They’re About To Get A Chip Card On Their Shoulder

, , , , | Right | June 18, 2018

(The store I work at is one of the first in the area to get chip card readers. If the card has a chip, the card scanner won’t allow the customer to swipe. At this point, our store has had the chip card reader for about six months, and we’re still one of the only places to use it. The customer swipes his card and I hear the reader beep.)

Me: “Oh, you have a chip card! Just insert it in the bottom there and leave it until it tells you to take it out.”

Customer: *inserts his card* “You know, I really don’t like this new system. It’s much easier to just swipe.” *he takes his card back out*

Me: “Oh, you didn’t leave it in long enough. Try that again, and it’ll tell you when you can take it out.”

Customer: “Okay, fine.”

(He inserts his card again, and takes it out when the reader asks if he wants cash back.)

Customer: “This process takes too long.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you took your card out too early again. Try again, and it’ll tell you on the screen when you can take your card out, and it’ll beep obnoxiously.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *puts card in and takes it out too early again*

Me: “That was still too early.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for this. Here.” *hands me a $100 bill*

Me: “All right, out of a hundred.” *I open my till to make change and notice another potential problem* “I’m out of tens and fives, so you’ll be getting a lot of ones. Is that okay?”

Customer: “Whatever! I just want to get out of here.”

(I had to bite my tongue about how if he had just listened to instructions, he’d be gone already.)

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Remembering When Is A Cakewalk

, , , , | Related | June 15, 2018

(My brother occasionally buys personal-size cakes for himself. Tonight, he’s talking about celebrating his birthday by eating an entire regular-size cheesecake. I remind him that he recently lost a lot of weight on a good diet, but he counters with:)

Brother: “You know how long it’s been since I’ve had cheesecake?”

(Sounds like a decent rationale; I’m about to shrug it off when I recall something:)

Me: “You had one just like three days ago!”

Brother: *delighted* “You do! You remember the small things. I was just testing you.”

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Sir Neutered The Fifth, Destroyer Of Rugs, Defiler Of Christmas Trees

, , , , , , | Related | June 13, 2018

(After our mother suffers from some unpleasant drama, my brothers and I decide to lift her spirits by getting her a cat, something she’s been talking about doing for a while. We eventually find a precious little, orange fluff ball that fits our basic requirements, and bring him home, humorously enough, the day before Mother’s Day. Mom takes to him immediately and locks the two of them in a room for some bonding time. While we wait for her to come back out, [Brother #1] starts to read the paperwork the shelter sent home with us to our father.)

Brother #1: “He was only brought in recently, so he’s a little underweight, but his health is otherwise good. He has all his shots up to date; you’ll have to renew some of them next year. He was tested for kitty HIV and he came back clean, so he can go outside eventually, and he is neutered the fifth…”

Brother #2: *laughing* “He is neutered the fifth?”

Father: *also laughing* “That sounds like some really fancy aristocratic name you’d find in Europe.”

Brother #2: “‘What ho, peasants? I am thy lord, Sir Neutered the Fifth.'”

Brother #1: *dramatically* “‘What is my legacy?'”

Me: “To not have a legacy, apparently.”

Father: “Okay, we have to convince your mother to name him that.”

(She named him Thomas. But it’s fine, he’s her favorite present of all time and that’s all that really matters.)

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That Problem Is Licked… Literally

, , , , , | Right | June 12, 2018

(I am a cashier working the night shift. The store I work at installed chip readers last year, but people are still having trouble using them. A customer approaches my checkout stand at about 11 pm with his girlfriend, and I ring them up.)

Me: “Your total today comes to [total].”

Customer: “Okay. Slide or chip?”

Me: “Chip.”

(The customer proceeds to insert his card into the chip reader. It gives him an error message and tells him to remove the card. He tries again, only to get the same error. Visibly frustrated, he actually LICKS his card and sticks it back in!)

Me: “Did… Did you just lick your card?”

Customer: “Yeah. It upsets the machine and lets me swipe my card.”

(He swipes his card and it works.)

Girlfriend: “I feel uncomfortable.”

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Reboot The Brand While You’re At It

, , , , | Right | June 10, 2018

(I’m a tech support representative for an online retailer that also has their own brand of Wi-Fi-enabled technology. One night, I get a call from a customer who is having trouble connecting his device to his home Wi-Fi network. I start walking him through the troubleshooting steps. Eventually, we reach the part where he is supposed to reboot his network.)

Me: “Go ahead and unplug your modem and router, wait fifteen seconds, and plug them back in.”

(The line disconnects. After a few seconds, I realize he must have had a VoIP [Voice over Internet Protocol] line. I wait a minute or two to give his system a chance to reboot, then call him back.)

Me: “I’m so sorry about that; I didn’t realize you were using a VoIP line. Let’s move on with troubleshooting.”

Customer: *very angry* “I don’t understand why you didn’t know that! You should have known! Your system should tell you that!”

Me: *confused, as I definitely have no way of knowing what type of phone they’re calling me on* “Sir, I am very sorry; I have no way of knowing what type of line you’re using.”

Customer: “I don’t understand! You are [Major Internet Company], are you not?”

Me: “Um… No?”

(Needless to say, I double-check what type of line the customer is using before we reboot their network now.)

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