(I have several exotic pets. I buy feeder mice and fish for my snakes and turtles once per week. Two other customers come in with their little poodles.)

Customer #1: “We need to get new collars and leashes for our girls. These are getting dirty.”

Customer #2: “They must have rhinestones on them and be pink or purple.”

Employee #1: *points* “They are right there, ladies. Let me know if you need help reaching the ones on the top.”

Customer #1: “I’m not going over there! You have nasty lizards over there! No, you just bring all the little pink ones over here and we’ll look at them.”

Employee #2: “You want her to carry over probably forty leashes and collars when you could just go look at them yourself?”

Customer #2: “Are you deaf?! We aren’t going anywhere near there with our babies! Those nasty lizards might eat them.”

(The “lizard” they are talking about is in fact a fourteen-foot Burmese python, which is about twenty feet away from that wall in a large glass tank.)

Employee #1: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I need to stay at the register and the other employee is putting up our new order of fish. You’ll have to pick out the one you want.”

(In a huff, [Customer #1] leaves her dog with her friend and goes over and pulls off ten to fifteen leashes, knocking probably thirty more onto the floor. She throws them all on the counter before rifling through them. They then spend the next thirty minutes trying every single one on BOTH dogs before deciding on the ones they like. They leave the extras lying on the counter. Then they get in line behind another woman with a small plastic animal box with mice in it.)

Customer #2: “Ew, who would want a mouse for a pet?! That’s so nasty!”

Employee: “While we do sell mice for pets, these are feeder mice, miss.”

Customer #1: “What the h*** does that mean? Feeder? What is she feeding them?”

Customer #3: “No, I’m not feeding them anything. I’m feeding them to my snake when I get home.”

Customer #2: “You’re so cruel! How can you do that?! Why would you keep a nasty snake for a pet and then feed it mice?! Why don’t you let the thing go, or feed it pellets or something? They have all kinds of pellets over there!”

Employee #2: “Snakes don’t usually eat pellet food. Some eat sausage made from ground-up meat, but those pellets are mostly plant matter.”

Customer #1: “So feed them that. Why can’t they eat vegetables?”

Customer #2: “Yeah. They should be vegetarians like our puppies here. They only eat [Brand] kibble.”

Me: “Er… you know [Brand] dog food has meat in it, right? I mean, it’s probably got more meat in it than a lot of other dog foods.”

Customer #1: “NO. It does NOT have meat in it! We only buy the kind that has venison in it!”

Employee #2: “Venison is meat, ma’am. It’s made from deer.”

Customer #2: “You’re so stupid. It’s not deer; it’s venison. All-vegetable dog food!”

Employee #1: “Okay. Well, I’ll just ring up those collars for you.”

Customer #2: “So, you need to get a vegetarian diet for those snakes or just let them go. Killing mice for them is just wrong.”

Me: “Snakes are not herbivores. They eat meat. They have to. Meat, bugs, eggs; you know, protein. You can’t just throw a carrot in there and expect them to eat it.”

Customer #1: “I never said they were dinosaurs! I know that they’ve only been around like 300 years or something. Like, when President Lincoln was around they discovered them. But it doesn’t matter. They shouldn’t eat meat. You need to fix that. And this store should not allow people to buy them for food. I’m going to start a petition!”

Me: “Who in the h*** are you going to petition to make snakes vegetarians? God?!”

([Customer #2] gasps and clings her dog to her, covering HER DOG’S ears.)

Customer #2: “Oh, you are going straight to Hell for talking like that. I can’t even be in here.”

([Customer #2] gestures to her poodle.)

Customer #2: “Come on, Porsche!”

Customer #1: “We’re going straight to the health department for this and making sure everyone knows you’re satanic devil worshipers!”

(They both storm out, leaving the leashes.)

Me: “Well, that was a wonderful way to start out a Monday. Let me know if the health department shuts you down for being satanic devil worshipers who feed mice to vegetarian snakes.”

Employee #2: “Yep! I’ll give you a call about it!”

This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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(I am out with my two young sons when I run into a friend. We get on the topic of him taking a girl out on a first date in New York City.)

Friend: “I was thinking of taking her on a buggy ride in Central Park, followed by a romantic dinner, and then a Broadway musical.”

Me: “Ooh, nice.”

(My six-year-old son decides to interject.)

Son: “Excuse me. Can I say something?”

Me: “No. Go play with your brother.”

Friend: “That’s okay. Let’s hear it.”

Me: “You will regret this.”

Friend: “Let the kid talk.”

Son: “Uhm, buggy ride? Are you crazy? It’s stinky and it’s bumpy. That girl will not like to eat dinner after a buggy ride.”

Friend: “Have you been on a buggy ride?”

Son: “Plenty of times. My brother loves it. But it’s the most disgusting thing in New York City. You see the horse’s butt the entire time. Stinky. And the ride is so bumpy you get a bellyache, and you wanna throw up.”

Friend: “So, I’ll skip the buggy ride, then?”

Son: “I’m not finished. Why don’t you have dinner first? Then, if your girl is being nice, take her to Broadway. If she’s not nice, then you take her to the buggy ride.”

Friend: “And the reason for the buggy ride is…?”

Son: “So she throws up! Weren’t you listening to my story? You need to learn how to listen.”

Friend: *to me* “What the h*** kind of things have you been teaching your kids?!”

Me: “I really don’t know…”

This story is part of our New York City roundup!

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(I’m standing in line at a Black Friday sale, waiting to check out my purchases. We’ve been standing about 45 minutes as the lines are very, VERY long. There is a man all by himself, with no cart and no purchases, standing two customers in front of me. All of a sudden his wife pulls two carts over, with their daughter pushing another one. All three carts are filled completely. They push through the line and get in with him. One of the customers in the line speaks up.)

Customer #1: “Hey! You can’t just cut in line like that. We’ve been waiting an hour. Get to the back!”

Cutting Customer: “F*** you! It’s not my fault you don’t know how to shop. Mind your own f****** business!”

Me: “Excuse me. Would you mind watching your language? I don’t want my son to hear that.”

Cutting Customer: “You can kiss my a**, b****! That little p**** is going to learn it one way or the other. He’s an ugly little SOB with that hair cut, anyway!”

My Son: “I’m growing my hair to donate to kids with cancer, like my best friend!”

(The cutting customer’s daughter decides to speak up.)

Cutting Customer’s Daughter: “Your little f** friend should just die. Why do they give them treatments for that s*** anyway? I hope he dies, you little a**-wipe.”

(My four-year-old son starts crying, asking me if his friend is going to die. I try to calm him down. Meanwhile, my friend gets the manager of the store.)

Manager: “Ma’am, this woman just told me what you said to her son and that you cut in line. I’m going to ask you once to please move to the back of the line; otherwise, you’ll need to leave the store.”

Cutting Customer: “Now, you look here! You can’t make us move. We’re buying more than $1000 worth of stuff here! And that b**** and her snot nosed kid got what they deserved.”

(The manager got on his walkie-talkie and had security escort them out. Upon the manager’s and several customers’ suggestions, we file verbal harassment charges on the customers who cut in. The manager made a donation for $500 to the charity that my son’s friend had out in my son’s name. We cut his hair three months later, donating 18 inches, which they made into a wig. His friend made a full recovery, by the way. They both donate their hair about every five years.)

Related:
In Line And Out Of Line

This story is part of our Black Friday roundup!

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(I work for a computer retailer. A customer brings in a system he bought about an hour ago.)

Customer: “Yeah. I want to return this computer. The CD-drive isn’t working.”

Me: “Not working? How so, sir?”

Customer: “Discs don’t fit inside it.”

(I hook up the machine to a monitor setup we have and open the disc tray, and it reads the CD I put in just fine.)

Customer: “Wait, the computer looks different now!”

Me: “Different? Sir, this is an Apple. They look pretty much the same all the time.”

Customer: “No. The symbol on the side there! It’s upside down.”

Me: “It’s an Apple: a leaf, and an apple with a bite out of it.”

Customer: *embarrassed* “I… put it on the floor upside down, didn’t I?”

This story is part of our Macintosh roundup!

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(Some friends and I volunteer for a local charity event at the zoo. We are in superhero costumes since the zoo is filled with daycare-age children that want to see their favorite superheroes. I am costumed as Spider-Man.)

Mother: “Excuse me, Spider-Man? My son is a huge fan of yours!”

(The mother points to a child covered in Spider-Man merchandise, from his hat to his shoes.)

Me: “Well, hey. Always great to meet a fan! Does he want a picture?”

Mother: “Well, actually, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.”

Me: “Well, sure. What do you need?”

Mother: “Well, my son really wants to go into the insect and arachnid enclosure, but I’m terrified of spiders. Would you be able to take him in there? He would trust you.”

Me: “Ma’am, did you just ask me, a guy you don’t know, to take your child into a dark, enclosed room? You don’t even know what I look like under this mask.”

(The mother gave me a deer-in-the-headlights look and then walked away. Surprisingly, she came back 10 minutes later and had her son get a picture with me!)