A customer comes up to my teller counter with a withdrawal slip. He is with his teenage son.

Me: “So, you’re withdrawing $500, sir?”

Customer: “Yes. Sadly, my account is suffering from withdrawal symptoms today!”

The teenage son groans.

Teenager: “Daaaad! Stop being embarrassing!”

Customer: “Hey! If I’m using this to buy you a PS5, I reserve the right to have my pun!”

The teenager looks at me as if I can help him.

Me: “Dude, you’re getting a PS5. I’d let him dance in front of my class to get one of those!”

Customer: “Oooh, now there’s an idea!”

Teenager: *Trying not to smile* “Nooooo!”

A customer brings in his Apple MacBook for repair, and I can’t even open it.

Me: “Sir, your MacBook seems to be stuck.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s been caramelized.”

Me: “It’s been… what?“

Customer: “I was making caramel, and I got it all over my fingers. I needed to reply to a message on my MacBook, and I got it all over the keyboard. Then, I tried wiping it on the side of the MacBook thinking I’d clean it up later, but I forgot. Then, I closed it, and it got left in the sun, so I think it’s the caramel that’s keeping it closed. Can you fix it?”

Me: “Let me… see what we can do.”

I leave it with my manager, who specializes in hardware fixes (I just do software). He magically gets it fixed and cleaned up! The customer comes back a week later with his ticket, which he gives to my manager.

Manager: “Oh! You’re the guy that made the candy Apple!”

He was waiting ALL WEEK to say that…

My manager has an app on his phone that lets him speak over the PA system.

One day, feeling sick, he headed to the restroom. Somehow, while he was in there, his phone app got activated.

The entire store got to listen in to him vomiting noisily and painfully.

A few interminable minutes later — which felt like forever — the assistant manager caught on and pulled the plug on the PA.

When the manager did finally emerge, looking pale and shaken, he was very surprised when we told him that we already knew he was planning to leave early today and put the assistant manager in charge for the remainder of his shift.

Customer’s Son: “Moooom! Can I have a candy bar?”

Customer: “No, you’ve had too much junk today already!”

The kid looks disappointed but accepts his mother’s command. The mother looks at me.

Customer: “I just don’t want them putting so many chemicals and stuff into their bodies, you know?”

Me: “I completely understand. That’ll be $20.34.”

Customer: “Oh, wait, I needed my smokes and my Red Bull!” 

Related:
Where There’s Smoke…, Part 2
Where There’s Smoke…

I work in a call center for a food manufacturer.

Caller: “I have one of your cans of tomatoes, and I was wondering if it was still good to eat.”

Me: “What’s the expiry date?”

Caller: “August 3rd.”

Me: “Well, today is August 2nd, so you—”

Caller: “—2006.”

Me: “…I wouldn’t advise eating it, ma’am.”

Caller: “Are you sure? It’s still in its packaging.”

Me: “I would strongly advise against eating it, ma’am.”

Caller: “Seems a shame for it to go to waste.”

Me: “I would seriously strongly advise against eating it, ma’am.”

Caller: “I also have this other one from 2013. Do you think—”

Me: “Ma’am, where are you getting these from?!”

Caller: “Oh, I’m cleaning out my cupboards.”

Me: “I would advise throwing away every product that’s past its expiry date, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh, I’m not doing that; it would be a waste! I’ll just throw it in some pasta and feed it to my husband. He’ll eat anything.”

Me: “Ma’am, I—”

Caller: “Thanks for your help!” *Click*

I hope the husband was okay!