(At the pharmacy where I work, we sell cigarettes, among other things. This exchange happens more often than I’d like to admit.)

Customer: “Can I get [Brand] cigarettes?”

(The customer does not specify which strength or flavor of the cigarettes, as we have many.)

Me: “Which kind?”

Customer: “[Brand].”

Me: “Which type of [Brand]?”

Customer: “Oh! [Strength].”

Me: “Okay, would you like the box, soft pack, or 100s?”

Customer: “[Strength].”

Me: “Box it is.”

Customer: “I want 100s!”

Me: *screaming internally*

(I’m a front-end supervisor at a high-volume store. I notice one day that my manager has scheduled me to close the front end and open the next day.)

Me: “Hey, I saw the schedule and I noticed that I only have eight hours between shifts. I know that it’s legal, but I live 45 minutes away and there is no way I can fall asleep right when I get home. Can this be changed?”

Boss: “Okay, so, here’s a secret that I learned. What you do is take a capsule of Zzzquil, then open a bottle of wine. Do not stop drinking the wine, and you will fall asleep.”

(I didn’t take that advice.)

(My mom and I are at home when someone knocks on our door rhythmically, as though they are a friend or relative. My mom has several health issues that tend to make her sleep in a lot, so she’s still in her night clothes. Since the person knocking tapped a little tune on our door, she figures it’s someone we know, so she answers the door in her nightshirt. It’s a guy in a business uniform for a cable service. He looks my mom up and down with a sneer, his arms crossed.)

Cable Guy: “Is there a problem here?”

Mom: “Uh, excuse me? No, there is not. Can I help you?”

(He puts on a massive sales-pitch grin, readying his pitch:)

Cable Guy: “Well, ma’am, we at [Cable Company #1] are going around to customers of [Cable Company #2] to let them know about [some malarkey about a sale or something].”

Mom: *holds up her hand* “I’m going to stop you right there.” *she gestures to the obvious “NO SOLICITING” sign on our door* “Did you not see that?”

Cable Guy: “Well, ma’am, I’m not soliciting; I’m just trying to do you a favour—”

Mom: “Yeah, that’s soliciting.” *closes the door in his face*

(There is a twenty-something woman who is a regular at the neighborhood restaurant where I work. She works at another local restaurant, but we’re open later, so she’ll come after work for beer and a burger. Sometimes she does come for lunch with her boyfriend and/or her female best friend. The problem comes when her boyfriend and best friend come in together for dinner and act romantically towards each other. My coworkers and I all agreed that we should stay out of things, but a bar regular — who has been hitting on her unsuccessfully for months — decides to say something the next time the woman is in.)

Bar Regular: “You need to dump that a**hole boyfriend of yours.”

Woman: “One, he’s not an a**hole. Two, why would I dump him?”

Bar Regular: “He’s cheating on you with [Friend].”

Woman: “No, he’s not.”

Bar Regular: “You didn’t see them in here last night. They were all over each other.”

Woman: “Thanks for telling me, but it’s not what you think.”

Bar Regular: “I think you’re in denial. Just dump him and I’ll take you out somewhere nice.”

Woman: “Not going to happen. I mean, what would my girlfriend say?”

Bar Regular: “What?”

Woman: “[Friend], my girlfriend. Not that it’s any of your business, but I think she might say something if I dump our boyfriend for going out with her. So, no thanks.”

(The bar regular hasn’t spoken to her again since.)

(I attend a small, private college and because there are some courses they don’t offer, they have a deal with the local state university that allows us to opt into courses required for our majors, etc. that [Small College] doesn’t have. One day, I have just finished my last class of the day, which happens to be at [State University]. [State University] has huge agricultural and veterinary programs, and there are often exhibits or even animals in the quad area for presentations to get undergrads interested. As I walk through the quad, I see a group of people gathered in front of a few older students wearing agricultural program t-shirts, and a fully grown cow inside of a small, portable pen. I walk over as one of the students is giving their presentation.)

Presenter: “Cows like Bonny, here, allow both the agricultural and veterinary students to have a better understanding of how bovine digestion works, and also how to better breed and treat cattle in general.”

Guy In The Crowd: “What’s so special about her?”

Presenter: “I’m glad you asked! If everyone will please step around to Bonny’s other side?”

(We all move around the pen, and immediately my jaw drops.)

Me: “Is that a window?“

(Yes, Bonny the cow has a porthole-like window surgically installed in her side. You can actually see her digestive organs working.)

Guy In The Crowd: “Whoa! That’s so cool!”

Girl Next To Him: “Oh, my God! That’s awful! How could you do that to her?”

Presenter: “I promise, Bonny has had her window for a few years now and doesn’t even notice it. It functions much like a prosthetic limb would. We keep a close eye on it and replace any parts as needed for her. As our observation cow, she pretty much is living in the lap of luxury.”

(The girl is still angry and stomps away, yelling something about reporting them to the University.)

Me: “Doesn’t she realize the University would have had to authorize and pay for this procedure in the first place?”

Presenter: *shrugs and pats the cow’s head* “I guess not. Now, who wants to pet Bonny?”

(I’ll admit, the whole porthole-in-a-cow thing freaked me out when I first saw it, but Bonny did seem pretty content. She let us all pat her and munched away on some snacks the agriculture students had brought for her. Even after I graduated, she continued to be the [State University] “observation cow” until she hit retirement age. Whatever age that is for a cow.)