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The Highs and Lows Of Parenting

, , , , , , | Legal Right | September 1, 2009

Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Police.”

Me: “What’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be smoking marijuana?”

Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son, please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”


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A Sudden Change Of Heart

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you had a staff exit I could use.”

Me: “The main exit is just there.” *points at front doors.*

Customer: “No, I can’t go through your security gates.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “I have a pacemaker. Walking through those gates will kill me!”

Me: “But you came in through the gates.”

Customer: “Well, yes, but I didn’t know they were there when I came in!”


This story is part of our roundup about people lying about their health!

Read the next story in this roundup here!

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Less Twilight, More Daylight

, , , | Healthy Right | September 1, 2009

Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

Me: “Not really.”

Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

Caller: “Well who cares about that crap!”

Me: “People who need surgery?”

Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

Me: “Okay… but you still have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

Me: “No, they just need–”

Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

Me: “Well, no–”

Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*


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And They Wonder Why Their Pizza Is Cold

, , , , | Right | August 31, 2009

Customer: “One of your pizza delivery drivers in a blue Mini needs to be turned into the police for passing me so irresponsibly! If I ever see that car with your sign on it again, I will sue you for endangering lives by hiring his kind!”

Manager: “What road were you on?”

Customer: “I was on state route 303. He must have been going at least 20 mph faster than me!”

Manager: “I see. And how fast were you going?”

Customer: “I was going 35 mph because my car cannot go fast up that hill. I want him fired now!”

Manager: “Well, ma’am, I will certainly talk to him, but that section of road is clearly marked 55 mph. I’m failing to see the problem.”

Customer: “The problem is that he passed me! Any business that has drivers knows that the rudest thing to do on the road is pass any other vehicles!”


Did you find this story on our Delivery Driver roundup?

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As Easy As (Bench) Pressing A Button

, , , | Right | August 31, 2009

(We sell mobile terminals for warehouses and delivery firms.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Caller: “My terminal has gone into a freeze.”

Me: “You can try restarting it.”

Caller: “How do I do that?”

Me: “You press and hold 1, 9, and the power button, and then you release.”

Caller: *sound of terminal hitting the floor*