Customer: “Hello, I’ll take a medium decaf ‘cup of chino.’”
Me: “Medium decaf cappuccino?”
Customer: “Yes, ‘cup of chino.’” *I turn around to make her drink* “Where are you from?”
Me: “I’m from Cape Cod. How about you?”
Customer: “Oh, I thought you were foreign. It’s pronounced ‘cup of chino,’ honey, not ‘cappuccino.’”
(I am standing in our kitchen when my husband walks through to the refrigerator. I keep hearing a slight hissing noise.)
Me: “What is that noise?”
Husband: “You can hear that?”
Me: “Yes.”
(I try to listen to figure out where the sound is coming from. It turns out the hissing was coming from a hole in the bottom of my husbands own shoe. Every time he took a step the air would rush out of the sole of the shoe. My husband thought the noise was in his head for a week before I noticed it.)
(I work in a retail portrait studio. Due to circumstances that actually have nothing to do with my company, our location is permanently closing. Until then, it’s business as usual. My associate, who by the way is the sweetest girl on the planet and receives more customer compliments than the rest of us combined, is working alone. The phone rings while she is busy.)
Associate: “Thank you for calling [Studio]. Can you please hold?”
(She places the line on hold for no more than one minute as she finishes helping a customer. When she returns, the caller has hung up. She then receives two calls in a row and has to let one go to voicemail.)
Customer: *on voicemail* “I understand why you’re closing if you treat all your customers the way you just treated me. I called a minute ago and a snippy little girl said ‘can you hold please?’ and hung up— er, put me on hold! That is not a way to treat customers. It is a way to turn them off! I wanted to give you my business but now I’m glad you’re closing. I hope you all lose your jobs!”
(We dodged a bullet, having to deal with that level of entitlement. But the joke is on her. We’re all being transferred to another location — and getting raises.)
(I used to work for a relatively popular video rental chain prior to it going out of business. I am pulling up my own account to see if I am about to have an overdue rental of my own. A customer in her late-40s or early-50s has been browsing the rentals.)
Customer: *approaches my coworker with a sealed new movie* “Hi, I’d like to buy this.”
Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, no problem. Just to let you know, we do have extremely high-quality used versions of this exact movie, and for what you’re paying for it new, you could get three used movies.”
Customer: “Oh, no, I don’t buy used movies.”
Coworker: “That’s understandable. Sometimes the quality of the DVD isn’t what you’d hoped, scratches, yadda ya.”
Customer: “Oh, no, not that. I just don’t want my DVD player to get a virus.”
(At this point, I stop what I’m doing, because I cannot possibly have heard that. I turn my head just a bit to look at her. Customer has the most serious expression I’ve ever seen, and my coworker is currently trying to see if she’s being legitimate.)
Coworker: “DVD… viruses?”
Customer: “Yes, like computer viruses. You don’t know what sort of nastiness people let get into their DVD player, and I don’t want mine getting corrupted by anything!”
(At this point, I have to turn away from the register I’m on, because I’m about to start chuckling, and I would prefer not to be rude. I busy myself with the rental drop box while my coworker continues the struggle.)
Coworker: “…absolutely, ma’am. Those DVD viruses can be an absolute hassle, and you’re doing well to keep yourself protected.”
(He finishes ringing her up as I finally get myself in check.)
Coworker: “You have a wonderful day, ma’am.”
Customer: “You too, young man!”
(She leaves. We just look at each other.)
Me: “If I hadn’t been here, I’d never believe this.”
Customer: “I am looking for a [Type] wine I tried the other day.”
Associate: “Was it red or white?”
Customer: “It was purple, dumb-a**.”
