(I pull up to a fast food restaurant’s drive-thru to order food for three different people.)

Employee: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. Can I take your order?”

Me: “Sure, I will have a combo #7, large size, with a diet [drink].”

Employee: “Okay, anything else?”

Me: “Yes, several more items. I’ll also have a cheeseburger, no pickles.”

Employee: “Anything else?”

Me: “Yes, still, several more items. I will also have a ten-piece chicken.”

Employee: “Anything else?”

Me: “This will go faster if you stop interrupting me asking me anything else.”

Employee: “Sorry.”

Me: “I would like honey mustard sauce with those chicken pieces.”

Employee: “Anything else?”

(All in all it probably took twice as long as if he would have just listened to my order. In addition, I had to correct several things that he punched into the computer wrong. I wish drive-thru people would just listen to their customers instead of talking over them.)

(I borrowed my friend’s camera for a project and now I’m returning it. He and his fiancée have a child together.)

Friend: “Oh, hey, [My Name]. What brings you here?”

Me: “Your camera?”

Friend: “Oh. Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

Me: “You look a little tired.”

Friend: “Whoever came up with the saying, ‘I slept like a baby,’ was an idiot.”

Me: “Trouble in paradise?”

Friend: “She’s my little soul-sucker, and since [Fiancée] is getting her cast removed, I’m alone. Why the hell is he crying now?”

Me: “Did you feed him?”

Friend: “Yes.”

Me: “Burp him?”

Friend: “Yes, and he puked on my back.”

Me: “Did you change his diaper?”

Friend: “No.”

Me: “Want me to help?”

Friend: “Please!”

(I end up changing the baby while he has his morning coffee. It is afternoon.)

Me: “Done.”

Friend: “You’re an angel.”

Me: “An angel with four younger siblings.”

(Like most pizzerias, we take orders over the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizzeria]; pickup or delivery?”

Customer: “Hi, is it possible that I can order something to be ready when I get there?”

Me: “So… a pickup?”

(I work at the largest university in Alaska, and we frequently have earthquake drills and, of course, the required fire drills. I am designated as one of our building safety personnel in charge of evacuating the building and getting people to the designated “safe” area away from the building, a large portion of which is floor-to-ceiling plate glass windows. The meeting area is located safely behind the cement parking garage, a good distance from our building. However, people get weirdly stubborn about moving to the correct area, even as I wave and point and usher them. I start becoming very creative in handling these recalcitrant evacuees.)

Me: *in official vest and over bullhorn* “Please step this way behind the parking garage, towards the designated meeting area!”

(A few people move.)

Me: “Folks, please be sure to thank those people over there—” *indicates the people still stubbornly standing right next to the giant glass building* “—who have bravely volunteered to be a human shield for you in the event of a fire or other disaster in which our building, made entirely of glass, could potentially explode outward.” *pause for effect* “Their sacrifice in protecting you from the explosive shrapnel will be much appreciated!”

(The human shields eschew the honor and glory, and move to relative safety behind the parking garage, glaring at me all the while.)

Me: *mentally shrugging; it’s part of my job and I can’t get fired over this* “Thank you for playing the ‘How to stay alive during a natural disaster’ game! Herb, tell them what they’ve won!”

(Most people were laughing pretty hard at this point. The few holdouts glowered at me the entire time.)

(I need a trip to the doctor, and the one I am seeing is brand new to me, so I don’t know much about the office. When my husband and I walk in, we are approached by a woman in a wheelchair.)

Patient #1: “If you’re here to see the doctor, there’s a four-hour wait.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Patient #1: “Yeah. It’s really bad. They’ve started using a new system today and they’re having all sorts of trouble with it.”

(A younger woman comes out to take the patient away.)

Husband: “Excuse me, but is it true that if you have an appointment, they’re running four hours behind?”

Young Woman: “Oh, no. That’s just the walk-in clinic. Appointments are running as close to on time as they can get.”

Me: “Thanks.”

(My husband and I go inside and approach the counter.)

Nurse #1: “Hello there. Are you here for the clinic?”

Me: “No, I’ve got an appointment with [Doctor] at three.”

Nurse #1: “All right, then. Let me get some information from you and we’ll get you going.”

(I give her all the pertinent information. She puts it all in, and then her computer beeps and she gives a deep sigh.)

Nurse #1: “I’m sorry. I need to restart the computer, and I’ll have to get your info again. It’s this new system we got. Today is our first day using it and it’s been nothing but trouble.”

Me: “No problem. I understand computers acting up.”

Nurse #1: “Thanks for your understanding.”

(Next to me is another patient trying to get in to see a doctor via the walk-in clinic.)

Patient #2: “What do you mean there’s a four-hour wait? I’m sick. I could die. Why can’t you get me in sooner?”

Nurse #2: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we’re running behind because of the trouble with our new system. If you don’t want to wait, I can get you an appointment tomorrow morning with your doctor.”

Patient #2: “I don’t have time for that. I’m here now and you will see me now.”

Nurse #2: “I’m sorry, ma’am. You’re going to have to wait.”

Nurse #1: “Okay, [My Name]. Let’s go over that information one more time.” *gives info* “Okay, it took it this time. Here you go. You should be called back shortly.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Patient #2: “Why is she getting in before me? She’s fat. Fat people are always sick. They should have to wait.”

Nurse #2: “She has an appointment with one of our doctors.”

Patient #2: “Then give me her appointment.”

Nurse #2: “We’re not going to do that. Either sit down or take the appointment I’m offering you.”

([Patient #2] continued screaming that “fat people are too sick to see a doctor,” and “I’m more important than everyone here.” She was removed from the office and banned from the clinic.)