Bad News About Your Doppelganger

, , | Right | January 19, 2009

Customer: *to his wife* “My God. This girl looks just like that one in the paper today, on the front page. Don’t you think?”

Customer’s Wife: “I don’t know, maybe a little bit.”

Customer: “Yes. She’s dead though.”

Me: “…”

Customer: *to me* “Has anyone ever told you that? I bet you get it all the time. You look just like that girl who died parachuting.”

Me: “Well, sir, she’s only in the papers today because she died yesterday. I don’t think anybody knew who she was before.”

Customer: “Well, you look so much like her. Careful you don’t run into any of her relatives, now!”

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As Long As You’re Happy

, , , , | Right | January 16, 2009

Customer: “If I buy a popcorn, can I get a drink for $2?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry; everything is full price.”

Customer: “My man that I’m dating is such a cheapskate! He only gave me $5! He’s such an a**hole! *pause* “You need to find a rich one.”

Me: “Ha ha, yeah.”

Customer: *leans across the counter and lowers her voice* “A rich one… who’s good in bed.”

Me: “…”

Customer: *as an afterthought* “I guess he should have a good heart, too.”

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My Hand Is Bigger Than Texas

, , , , , | Right | January 16, 2009

(The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)

Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”

Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”

Me: “Er… ma’am, if you can find an ocean view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”

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A New Form Of Payment

, , , | Right | January 16, 2009

Customer: “I’ll make you a deal.”

Me: “Okay…?”

Customer: “You give me these glasses, and I’ll let you take a picture of me wearing them, and hang it up in your store.”

Me: “Um… what?”

Customer: “Yeah, like all these pictures you have of people hanging up.”

Me: “Those are professional models.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a model.”

Me: “…”

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What A Tangled Web We Weave

, , , , | Right | January 15, 2009

(A customer has already ordered, picked up, and drunk most of his drink. He then walks up to the counter, very angry.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “What the f*** is this?!” *points to his cup*

Me: “It looks like the drink I made you, and you seem to have already enjoyed it.”

Customer: “No smart-a**, this!” *pours the drink onto the counter and a key bounces out* “What the f*** is going on here?!”

Me: *alarmed* “I am so sorry, sir! When I made the drink, I know there wasn’t a key in it. Let me make you a new one.”

Customer: “Yeah! You f****** better make me a new f****** drink. This is complete bull-s***! You’re lucky I don’t sue you and this coffee company!”

(I take the key and make him a new drink, and he goes and sits outside with his friends. The key isn’t mine, so I start asking coworkers and customers. No one is claiming it. The customer walks up about five minutes later, bright red and embarrassed.)

Customer: “Yeah, uh… I’m going to need my car key back so I can go home.”

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