Preying On The Stupid

, , , | Right | September 4, 2017

(I work in a large chain pet store and approach three well-dressed college-age men to help them.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you guys find anything?”

Customer: “I’m interested in falconry. Do you guys sell birds of prey?”

Me: *startled* “No.”

Customer: “Do you know where we could buy any?”

Me: “No, sir. In fact, I’m thinking that hawks and falcons are going to be really hard to get a hold of. And there’s probably special licensing involved…”

Customer: *obviously not listening* “What size cage would you need for a bird of prey?”

Me: “You’d need a very, very large cage…”

Customer: *points to a small hummingbird feeder* “Could you keep a bird of prey in this?”

Me: “…no.”

Customer: *pointing at a slightly larger hummingbird feeder* “What about this?”

Me: “No, sir, that’s a bird feeder.”

(To this day, I’m still not sure if it was a prank or not!)

The Only Law Is It Should Be Always Served Piping Hot

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2017

(I work at a law office in Austin, and a woman that is clearly from New York comes in.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, can you please explain the custard laws from this place to me?”

(Thinking she meant ‘custody’ laws, I gladly print out a packet explaining the various custody laws in Austin. She reads part of it before saying:)

Customer: “Wait! It’s not ‘custard’?”

Me: “…No, it’s ‘custody’, ma’am.

Customer: *in a state of realization* “Oh! I thought it was ‘custard laws’!”

(I then explained how I thought she meant “custody” and not “custard”. We both had a good laugh about it, and we’ve been friends ever since!)

Soy Not Sorry

, , , | Right | August 30, 2017

(A 20ish female customer comes up to my counter.)

Customer: “Can I just get a large cup of hot water? With a lid?”

(I prepare it and add a sleeve because it’s hot. She drops in a teabag from her purse.)

Customer: “Thanks. Do you have any honey?”

(I point to the condiment bar. As she’s adding honey, she looks at the cream pitcher.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have soy milk?”

Me: “We do, but that’s not free.”

Customer: “Really?! I guess I should’ve gone to a DIFFERENT coffee shop!”

Me: “I guess you should have.”

Racists Lose Every Argument

, , , , , | Friendly | August 17, 2017

(My friend and I are at a popular pet store chain picking up food for my snake. While waiting in line, he is trying to teach me a few words in his tribe’s language (Native Creek). He is very clearly not white, dark eyes, long, straight dark hair, copper skin tone, etc. Another customer behind us scoffs and we both look at him but my friend keeps speaking Creek.)

Customer: “You know, he should really learn to speak American if he’s going to be here.”

Friend: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “So you do speak English! Why are you speaking that gibberish, then?”

Me: “He is teaching me some words; he can speak whatever he wants. This is America, right?”

Customer: “Yes, it is! And as an American, he should just speak English!”

(My friend is looking very uncomfortable, as he is pretty shy and sensitive about racism.)

Me: “Sir, he is more American than you could ever wish to be.”

Customer: “How dare you! Look at him! I am the most blue-blooded American you can find! Born and bred!”

Me: *laughs* “His ancestors were here thousands of years before yours or mine even knew America existed.”

(He sputtered and huffed but shut up until we checked out.)