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Do You Know Where You Are Right Now?

, , , , , , | Right | August 5, 2022

I am waiting in line at a brewpub that does not serve liquor but has an extensive selection of draft beer. The menu over the bar lists individual beer names and the wall is covered with hundreds of taps. There are no other drinking accouterments to be seen.

The person in front of me steps up to order.

Customer: “Yeah, what kind of tequila do you have? We want to do shots.”

Bartender: “We don’t sell tequila here.”

There is an earth-grinding pause.

Customer: “Why?”

I wish the written word did justice to the utterly baffled vocal fry in which this question was delivered.

Bartender: “We only serve beer.”

Customer: “Beer? Ew!”

I tipped the bartender an extra dollar when my turn finally came around.

But What If America Has A Peanut Allergy?!

, , , , , , | Working | June 8, 2022

I’m going through a TSA checkpoint at my local airport. 

TSA Agent #1: “Please remove any food, electronics, and liquids from your bag and place them directly into the bin.”

In an attempt to save money, I’d packed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to eat at the airport.

Me: “Will my sandwich cause a problem?”

TSA Agent #1: “As long as it is outside of your backpack as it goes through the scanner, it will be fine.”

I follow the instructions and observe that other lines are moving much faster than mine. [TSA Agent #2], who is reviewing the screen, is pulling almost every bag for further review. By the time I get to her, she informs me that my peanut butter sandwich is causing the alarm (despite being removed from my luggage) and that my entire carry-on will need to be checked.

I offer to throw the sandwich away but she insists that now that I’ve entered the checkpoint it needs to be checked — for explosives, I presume?

[TSA Agent #3] is reviewing bags that have been pulled. Almost everyone that was in front of me in line one is now in front of him as he empties their bags and swabs their items to find the offending item (which, for many people, is nonexistent). I can tell he’s starting to get exasperated.

After several minutes, I finally get to him.

Me: “My bag got pulled because of this sandwich. I can just throw it away.”

My sandwich, which was made much earlier in the day, is admittedly looking kind of smooshed and sad. At this point, I’d rather throw it away and buy the overpriced airport food.

He looks at me, looks at my pitiful sandwich, and looks at [TSA Agent #2] who is still sending almost everyone in her line to him for further review. Other agents in nearby lines are not pulling nearly the same number of items for review. He hands me my items back without another glance.

TSA Agent #3: “I’m pretty sure your peanut butter and jelly sandwich is not a threat to national security.”

Their Brain’s Out Of Gas

, , , , , | Working | March 21, 2022

I’m learning Spanish, and as such, I’m one of the designated Spanish translators at my store. I’m with a customer at the print department and need to let him know that we can’t laminate government licenses.

Me: “Lo siento, no podemos imprimir de plástico las tarjetas de…” *I’m sorry, we can’t laminate cards of…*

My mind completely blanks on the word for “car”. After stammering for a while, my brain finally settles on:

Me: “Tarjetas de… VROOM-VROOM!”

We all had a good laugh over that, though I was beating myself up for a bit for not remembering “el carro”.

New Year, Same Old Customers

, , , , , | Right | December 31, 2021

It’s New Year’s Eve, and our store has just closed for the day. It’s two hours earlier than usual, as listed on our sign of holiday hours in front of the store. I’m tidying up and have just returned to the front of the store after cleaning the bathrooms in the back when I see a man standing in the front.

Me: “Sir? The store is closed.”

Customer: “No, it’s not; you close at [usual time].”

Me: “It’s New Year’s Eve. We’re closing early tonight.”

Customer: “Well, you should have a sign!”

Me: “We do!”

I escort the man outside, through the disabled automatic doors that he had forced open in order to get in, and show him the clearly visible sign of holiday hours, specifically the part that says, “December 31st — New Year’s Eve — [Holiday Hours]”.

Customer: “Well, it should’ve been bigger!”

I’ll never understand how the doors being off isn’t enough of a hint.

Soda-rn Annoying

, , , , , , | Right | November 15, 2021

I’m checking out a customer at the register when a man comes in and makes a beeline for the soda fridge we have in the next-in-line area. He then walks off into the store.

Me: “Sir, you need to pay for that.”

Customer: “It’s okay. I’ll pay when I leave.”

Me: “No, you need to pay for it first.”

Customer: “Don’t worry; I promise I won’t drink it.”

His girlfriend comes in.

Customer’s Girlfriend: “What’s going on?”

Customer: “She says I have to pay for the soda before I can start looking around.”

Customer’s Girlfriend: “Seriously?! They don’t even do this at [Local Grocery Store Chain]!”

I let them go, since I’m still with a customer at the register and I figure that I can just have somebody keep an eye on them. As they go further in the store, I hear the girlfriend say that they should “report it to her manager”. The woman I’m checking out tells me that I was right and that she’ll back me up if they do get my manager.

I do seek out my manager on the floor and ask him if we’re allowed to let them do that — take a soda and let them pay for it later — and he says that it’s not ideal, but it’s better to avoid a fuss. I see them on the floor, too, but make a point of giving them a wide berth.

At a later point, the man comes to the register to check out, and he has clearly drunk out of the soda. He puts down his items and the first words out of his mouth are:

Customer: “So, are you single?”

He keeps hitting on me through the whole transaction. Thankfully, nobody, customer or otherwise, is nearby, so I can get away with not even trying to be friendly. I’m not rude, mind you; I just say everything through gritted teeth. At the end of it, my manager comes by just as I’m saying, “Have a nice day.”

Me: “Yeah, this guy just started hitting on me.”

Manager: “What?!”

Customer: “Sorry, sorry, she was just being so mean. I had to try and loosen her up a little! She’s such a b****, am I right?”

My manager then takes him into the vestibule near the register and says something to him — I can only make out the words “very special girl.” Afterward, he comes in, apologizes, and then leaves. My manager then comes to me.

Manager: “Are you all right?”

Me: “Yeah, just mad. He’s that guy I was telling you about.”

Manager: “With the soda?”

Me: “Yeah. It had clearly been drunk out of when he brought it up. And he came in here with his girlfriend, too!”

Manager: “Yeah, I think the girlfriend might have been responsible for these.”

He shows me a bunch of packaging for power banks, earbuds, etc.

Me: “And he drank the soda before he paid for it, too!”

We contacted the other stores to let them know about him and his girlfriend. Thankfully, he had easily identifiable and hard to conceal facial tattoos. But really, the nerve of some people!