Childhood Gone In A Puff Of Smoke

, , , , , , , , | Related | October 15, 2017

(My sister and her family are currently living with us, which results in some hilarious moments when her toddlers, ages two and four, get into things. This happens with the two-year-old. She always brings us our things when she finds them, from phones to shoes.)

Sister: “Yeah, [Sister’s Husband] was just saying– does [Two-Year-Old] have your vape?!”

Mom: “What?!”

(They both run to the living room as I’m bent over, talking to my other niece.)

Me: “[Four-Year-Old], do you want to play Barbies?”

Four-Year-Old: “[Two-Year-Old] got Nana’s vape!”

Mom: “She just hit the button; don’t worry.”

Sister: “No, Mom, she blew smoke out of her d*** mouth! [Two-Year-Old]!”

Mom: *laughing* “What the f***?! She normally brings it to us!”

(By this time, I’m in the living room, doubled over laughing. The two-year-old, who long ago decided I’m her favorite person, waddles up to me.)

Two-Year-Old: “[My Name], more!”

Me: “You want more of Nana’s vape?”

Two-Year-Old: “Yeah!” *claps and hops*

Sister: “H***, no! [Sister’s Husband]! [Two-Year-Old] just sucked Mom’s f****** vape!”

(None of us have any idea how my niece managed to successfully work the vape, but she was unharmed, and this will definitely be a story to tell for years!)

Has Beef With Your Coleslaw

, , , , , | Right | October 6, 2017

Customer: *to one of our favorite servers* “Please take this coleslaw away.”

Server: “Is something wrong with it?”

Customer: “Yes! This coleslaw has a strong cabbage flavor!”

Server: “Sort of how the brisket had a strong beef flavor?”

Preying On The Stupid

, , , | Right | September 4, 2017

(I work in a large chain pet store and approach three well-dressed college-age men to help them.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you guys find anything?”

Customer: “I’m interested in falconry. Do you guys sell birds of prey?”

Me: *startled* “No.”

Customer: “Do you know where we could buy any?”

Me: “No, sir. In fact, I’m thinking that hawks and falcons are going to be really hard to get a hold of. And there’s probably special licensing involved…”

Customer: *obviously not listening* “What size cage would you need for a bird of prey?”

Me: “You’d need a very, very large cage…”

Customer: *points to a small hummingbird feeder* “Could you keep a bird of prey in this?”

Me: “…no.”

Customer: *pointing at a slightly larger hummingbird feeder* “What about this?”

Me: “No, sir, that’s a bird feeder.”

(To this day, I’m still not sure if it was a prank or not!)

The Only Law Is It Should Be Always Served Piping Hot

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2017

(I work at a law office in Austin, and a woman that is clearly from New York comes in.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, can you please explain the custard laws from this place to me?”

(Thinking she meant ‘custody’ laws, I gladly print out a packet explaining the various custody laws in Austin. She reads part of it before saying:)

Customer: “Wait! It’s not ‘custard’?”

Me: “…No, it’s ‘custody’, ma’am.

Customer: *in a state of realization* “Oh! I thought it was ‘custard laws’!”

(I then explained how I thought she meant “custody” and not “custard”. We both had a good laugh about it, and we’ve been friends ever since!)

Soy Not Sorry

, , , | Right | August 30, 2017

(A 20ish female customer comes up to my counter.)

Customer: “Can I just get a large cup of hot water? With a lid?”

(I prepare it and add a sleeve because it’s hot. She drops in a teabag from her purse.)

Customer: “Thanks. Do you have any honey?”

(I point to the condiment bar. As she’s adding honey, she looks at the cream pitcher.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have soy milk?”

Me: “We do, but that’s not free.”

Customer: “Really?! I guess I should’ve gone to a DIFFERENT coffee shop!”

Me: “I guess you should have.”

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