Occam’s Razor Phone

, , , | Right | January 13, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Mobile Customer Service], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, there’s something wrong with my phone. It won’t take pictures.”

Me: “Is it a camera phone?”

Customer: “No.”

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High Altitude Expectations

, , , | Right | January 13, 2009

(I overhear my coworker have this exchange while helping a patron.)

Coworker: “What can I help you find?”

Patron: “I need pictures from when they used to tie small cameras to birds to take aerial photos.”

Coworker: “Well, I don’t think that we would have any books for that – let me look online.”

Patron: “I kinda need this right away; my class starts in ten minutes.”

Coworker: “I’m looking as fast as I can.”

Patron: “Well, f***ing look faster! I am going to fail this class now, and it’s all because of you!”

Coworker: “I found your photos. I’ll send them to the printer right now; it will be 50 cents for the print.”

Patron: “What the f***? You expect me to PAY for the prints?”

Coworker: “Yes, yes I do.”

(The patron hands over the money while swearing under his breath.)

Coworker: “Enjoy.”

(She hands him the papers and he runs out, but not thirty seconds later he runs back in.)

Patron: “I need pictures of the f***ing birds, not the pictures that they took!”

Coworker: *as she turns off her computer* “Well, it looks like our system is down. You’ll have to come back at a later time.”

Patron: *storms out*

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You Look Nothing Like Your Ad

, , , | Right | January 13, 2009

(A family group was checking in – one lady in the group started telling me about her husband’s recent death from cancer.)

Customer: “…and he was all eaten up with colon cancer, and he just died.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that is really not any of my business. It seems like a very private matter….”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “I’m not comfortable hearing–”

Customer: “Are you a Christian?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “I knew it! You are evil and will burn in Hell. I’ll speak to your manager in the morning!”

Me: “Okay. That’s fine.”

Customer: “I hope you liked your former job.”

Me: “…”

(The group went to their rooms. A few minutes later, one of the adult daughters came to the desk.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer’s Daughter: “I just came down because I wanted to see what pure evil looks like.”

Me: “…”

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And On This Farm He Had My Dinner

, , , | Right | January 12, 2009

Customer: What’s the difference between this-” *holds up a steak of lamb* “and this?” *holds up a steak of calf*

Me: “Well, this one is from a lamb, and this one from a calf. It says so right here on the label.”

Customer: “But what part of the animal is that?”

Me: *points at the lamb* “Baaaa.” *pointing at the calf* “Moooo.”

Customer: *happily* “Oh, thank you so much!”

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Now Showing In Utero Vision

, , , | Right | January 12, 2009

(A very pregnant customer and her small child walk up to the theater box office.)

Customer: *points at marquee* “Are these all the movies you got playing?”

Me: “Yep, I’d say so….”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll have three for [Movie].”

Me: “Are there any children in the group?”

Customer: *points to boy and pregnant belly* “Yes, two.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t charge for children age two and under… or unborn fetuses…”

Customer: “Okay… just one, then!”

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