(I am an assistant manager for a comfort footwear company.)

Customer: *over the phone* “Yes, I would like to exchange my [Brand]s for a different pair. I can’t remember what they’re called, and I don’t quite remember when I bought them. I know you have records of this, though; look it up for me!”

(I go to look up her records, but our system has been down all day. Our physical records only go back two months, and I cannot find her name or order.)

Me: “Unfortunately, I cannot find your records in my store, as they only go back so far, and I would be happy to look them up in my system, but it’s been acting up all day and I cannot access it. Can you please tell me anything you remember about your boots so I can see if they are still available to order or if I have them in my store?”

Customer: “Why is your system down?”

Me: “I don’t know. We have been having terrible weather; perhaps—”

Customer: “You guys need to fix it! My boots were brown.”

Me: “Okay… Anything else? Many of our boots are brown.”

(We hardly have any boots in this brand left, anyhow, and I am almost positive we don’t have her style left. She keeps giving me one-word answers, all the time pointedly sighing about how affected she is.)

Customer: “I don’t know why this has to be difficult… I’ve got the shoe box right next to me with the name of the shoe.”

Me: *face palms* “That’s very helpful! What is the name of the shoe?”

(Her shoe has been sold out in our store for at least a month and is no longer available to order in her size in any color. I tell her this, being apologetic and recognizing her frustration.)

Customer: “When are you going to get more? I need new ones! What am I going to do?”

Me: “Since they are all sold out, you may be able to find a replacement on the brand’s general website, or check our other stores in the hopes that one has come back. Do you mind if I ask why you’d like the exchange? Is the shoe damaged?”

Customer: “The suede is two different colors on the boots! I can see it! The right one is lighter than the left one! Everyone says they can’t see it but they’re just so different!”

(I am doing a product demo for a popular energy shot that’s supposed to keep people alert and awake. An elderly couple with a chihuahua comes by my booth.)

Me: “Hello. I have [Brand] for sample today. It’s an energy drink—”

Male Customer: “Oh, we should try this.”

(He picks up the cup, sips it, then offers it to the dog, who investigates the drink.)

Me: “Sir! It’s a half-dose, but that’s still a large amount of caffeine and taurine; I don’t think that’s a good idea—”

Female Customer: “Oh, nonsense. We never get anything that our buddy doesn’t like.”

Me: “It’s still probably not safe for him to drink.”

(The couple walked off, their dog lapping up the drink. I really hope my concerns were unwarranted!)

(I am with my mom when she gets a voicemail from an obvious scammer. She decides to call the number the voicemail was sent from. She puts it on speaker phone so I can hear, as well.)

Scammer #1: “Hello?”

Mom: “Yes, I just received a voicemail from your company about a warrant I need to pay off?”

Scammer #1: “Yes, yes, we can help you pay off your warrant; we just need you to answer a few questions for security. What is your birthday?”

Mom: “[Date that is not her birthday].”

Scammer #1: “Okay, thank you.” *hangs up*

(Bewildered by the sudden hang up, my mom calls the number again and gets a different person.)

Scammer #2: “Yes, hello?”

Mom: “Hi. I was just talking to a coworker of yours about paying a warrant, but I answered one of his questions and he hung up on me.”

Scammer #2: *pause* “Look, ma’am, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but this is a scam, all right? Don’t give these people your information or money, please.”

Mom: *holding in laughter* “Okay, thanks for telling me.” *ends call*

(We spent the next few minutes laughing and congratulating the honest scammer.)

(A customer keeps asking me for an “imitation egg thing.”)

Me: “Did you mean an egg replacer?

Customer: “No. I need an ‘imitation egg thing.’” *finally she points at egg-white salad* “This!”

Me: “Well, that’s real egg. It’s not imitation.”

Customer: “But it says ‘egg whites.'”

Me: “Yes. It is made of eggs. They just took out the yolk.”

(She couldn’t get past the idea of egg whites being made of real eggs. As I walked away, I heard her tell her man, “It’s amazing! It literally tastes like real eggs!”)

(I am working part time at a temporary holiday store. This is only my second week there; it’s a Saturday near closing time. We have several small light-up figures around the cash wrap, basically impulse buys. We also have a specific method of marking down clearance or damaged items. I’m running the register, and we aren’t very busy, when this woman comes to check out with her son. As I’m ringing up her other purchases, she starts fiddling with the figures in front of my register where I can’t see.)

Customer: “And I want this, too.”

(She waves the figure at me, and I take it and scan it.)

Customer: “How much is that?”

Me: “$3.99, ma’am.”

Customer: “But it’s marked a dollar.”

(I turn over the tag and in RED ink, the original price is scratched out and “$1.00” is written above it. We have a manual tag printer for markdowns, and even when that device isn’t working, we never use red ink; furthermore, we have color-coded stickers that differentiate between clearance or damage pricing.)

Me: “I’m not sure, ma’am. I can check with my manager. Maybe it’s damaged.” *flicks the switch a couple times and it doesn’t turn on* “See? The light isn’t working.”

(She ignores me and proceeds to dig through the other display of figures.)

Customer: “Is this one a dollar, too? How about this one? What about these over here?”

Me: “I’m not sure, ma’am. They should be priced as marked.”

(She lays a pile of figures at my register just as my manager walks up.)

Customer: *points at me* “She said these are all a dollar! I want them all for a dollar!”

(My manager knows I wouldn’t say anything like that, and starts to explain that she cannot sell them for a dollar a piece. At this point, some other customers are looking on and shaking their heads at this woman. This woman’s son, aged about eleven, is trying to ignore everything, looking off in the distance.)

Customer: “Well, then, your employee lied to me. You should fire her and sell these to me for a dollar!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I need you to calm down. The only one I can sell you for a dollar is the one that is marked for a dollar. And I am making an exception for you, since it’s not even properly marked down. It is against policy to scratch out prices, and none of my employees would handle markdowns this way. You can either take this one figure for a dollar, or you can leave.”

Customer: *grumbles* “Fine. But she’s still a liar.”

(My manager does the price override, I finish the transaction, and the customer leaves.)

Next Customer: “The nerve of some people…”

Manager: “That’s what it’s like to work in retail.”