(I work as a manager at a clothing store where corporate has a bag check policy. Before clocking out, all employees must check out with a manager. The manager has to check inside their bags or purses if they have them and pat down any jackets they are wearing. If the employee is trying to hide merchandise, we can’t discipline them either, just confiscate it and send them on their way. It is annoying, insulting, and a complete waste of time. After about a year of this, corporate suddenly announces they are ending the bag check. I’ve just gotten off a conference call with the other stores in our district. They’ve been wailing doom and gloom that this new policy will magically turn all their employees into kleptomaniacs. I’m a little discouraged because, while I hated the policy, we are a highly-targeted area for shoplifters and I don’t want our shrinkage to go up any more than it already is. After I hang up, the resident practical joker comes into the office. He’s wearing a coat that’s three sizes too big. The pockets are stuffed full and I can see price tags and shirt sleeves dangling out. He’s also carrying a backpack that’s clearly full of jeans.)

Coworker: *with the most over-the-top shifty-eyed expression* “Hey, so, I straightened the denim wall like you asked and… um… cleaned out… um… I mean, cleaned off the T-shirt table.”

Me: *struggling not to laugh* “Oh, did you now?”

Coworker: “Yep. I’m going to clock out now and because we don’t have bag check anymore you can’t look in here. Bye!”

(Once he left, I laughed for about a minute straight. It put me in a good mood all day. It’s been a year since bag check was rescinded and our shrinkage numbers are still the same. Our customers may still be thieves, but our employees are on the up-and-up… even the practical joker.)

(The store I work in eliminated baggers about eight years ago. Since then, the cashiers put the customer’s items into the bags, and then customers put them into their cart on their own. We’ll help only if the customer is older or unable to load the bags on their own.  Our store is also in the middle of a major remodel. This is a healthy customer in her mid-forties.)

Me: “Do you have any coupons or bottle slips?”

Customer: “No. So, what are they actually doing with all this construction?”

Me: “Well, they just finished expanding the pharmacy and moving the drive-thru around to the front of the store. And now, they’re redoing the floors and moving things around to their new locations.”

(By this time she’s paid and is just standing by her cart.)

Customer: “I was told last time I was in that they had finished the pharmacy, and now you’re telling me that they’re just now finishing it? Get your story straight. And I guess that now we have to load our own bags?”

(She grabs her two bags, leaving a fifteen-pound bag of dog food to be loaded. I ignore her comment, since it has literally been years since we’ve had baggers, and I know that it will make her angry if I point that out.)

Customer: “Hello? Did you hear me? Are you making me put my own things in the cart now?”

(She just stood there, expecting me to help her with what she’d already gotten in and out of her cart once. I loaded the dog food simply to keep the peace. Luckily, my coworkers thought she was crazy, too, when I told them the story later!)

(My mother used to go out to dinner once a month with a bunch of my sister’s classmates’ mothers. At the time, the kids were in middle school, so the mom group was affectionately called Middle School Moms, or MSM for short. They still met up in high school, but less and less. The group somewhat fell apart after high school. My mom and I are discussing how the group is going to be reunited soon.)

Mom: “So, Middle School Moms are back in action!”

Me: “Yeah? That’s cool! Now that you’re not middle school moms anymore, what are you calling yourselves?”

Mom: “I didn’t think about that.”

Me: “Well, everyone is in college or university now, so… College and University Moms?”

Mom: “Yeah! I like it! College and University Moms! C, U… Oh, no, no, no!”

Me: “Oh, no! I didn’t think about that! Okay, so no to that name!”

Mom: “Maybe we’ll just stick with Middle School Moms.”

(We have a special right now where, depending on what sandwich you order, for either $4, $5, or $6, you get a small sandwich and a drink. Secondly, you can add bacon or avocado to a sandwich for an extra charge; however, if you do that, the sandwich no longer applies to the $4, $5, or $6 deal. Some people don’t understand that. A customer comes in and orders a small turkey sandwich, which applies to the special, but adds bacon and avocado.)

Coworker: “Okay, that’s [total].”

Customer: “Why is it so expensive?!”

Coworker: “Well, you got a turkey bacon avocado; both the bacon and the avocado are $.75 extra.”

Customer: “But it should be $5 for the sub and the drink!”

Coworker: “Yes, if you got the plain turkey, but you added on the bacon and avocado.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

(I finally come over since it seems like my coworker is just going in circles with the customer.)

Me: “All right, so, it comes to [even higher total] because the sandwich is [total] by itself, plus the bacon and avocado which makes it [higher total], plus the drink which makes it [even higher total].”

Customer: “But I got a turkey last night with a drink and it was only $5!”

Me: “Right, but it didn’t have bacon or avocado. Those are both $.75 extra plus the drink.”

Customer: *shakes her head* “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Okay. The turkey with veggies and cheese without bacon and without avocado is [total]. If you add both of those, it becomes [higher total]. Then, if you add the drink it becomes [even higher total]. I apologize; we should have told you the additional charges for the bacon and avocado, so for tonight only, I will ring it through as a plain turkey so it will only come to $5 with the drink.”

Customer: “Okay… Wait, why is it only $5 now?”

Me: “Because this one time I’m not charging you for the bacon and avocado.”

Customer: “So… it comes to what now with the drink?”

Me: “$5.”

Customer: “Oh, okay… Thanks… I’m still confused, but thanks.”

(I ring her through and leave to take care of the growing line. My coworker goes back to the register to ring someone else through only to find the previous customer still standing there.)

Coworker: “Erm… can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah… I know it came to $5 now… but how much would it be if I added soup and chips?”

(The customer proceeded to hold up the line for another five minutes trying to decide if it was worth it to buy chips and a soup.)

(We have just had a particularly hard test.)

Me: “That test killed my soul… which is quite impressive as I thought my soul was already dead.”