I work for an up-and-coming camera company as a Level 1 tech support agent. I got a customer on the line the other day who began the conversation by letting me know he was an electrical engineer and that he didn’t need to troubleshoot because there was clearly something wrong with his product.

I calmly let him know that I was still required to troubleshoot, as we cannot replace his device without going through the motions. He agreed, though he was clearly irritated. This was his first product and he loudly let me know that he was not impressed at how useless the setup procedure was.

I asked him what the camera was doing, and he said that it was doing absolutely nothing. I had him press the “setup” button, and as he said, nothing happened. I had an inkling of what could be wrong but was baffled by the thought that it could be so simple.

Going through my normal troubleshooting, I had him plug the battery-powered camera into the charger, and wouldn’t you guess, but the camera’s lights all turned on.

I then proceeded to educate this electrical engineer that battery-powered cameras need to be charged in order to set them up.

This, unfortunately, happens at least once a day with someone beginning the conversation with how much technical experience they have, and that is the reason why we have to troubleshoot before replacing.

(It’s early in the day and fairly slow. I’m manning the till while my coworker is preparing trays of pizza dough just a few feet away. A man dressed in business attire walks into the shop and approaches my till, endlessly jabbering on his phone. He thrusts a coupon for a free one-topping slice at me, but says nothing apart from continuing his phone conversation.)

Me: *quietly, turning to my coworker* “It’s a policy of mine to ignore customers if they’re on their phone.”

Coworker: “Yeah, me, too.”

(I remain at the till but say nothing to the man, waiting for him to, at the very least, swivel his phone from his face for the half a second it would take to say whatever topping he wants on his slice. But alas, he continues his phone conversation like we’re not even there. I continue to stand in silence, just waiting, for a good three minutes at least, still holding the coupon, and I haven’t touched the order screen at all.)

Me: *turning to my coworker* “Dude, this is getting awkward.”

Coworker: *nods*

(Finally, the man takes a moment away from his super important phone call.)

Customer: “Are we about ready to go here, or what?”

Coworker: “Yeah, we’re just waiting on you.”

Me: “Whenever you’re ready.”

Customer: “Oh, uh, I’ll have pepperoni.” *returns to phone call*

(We made him his pepperoni slice, but we took our time and made sure to put it in the oven that cooks slower.)

(I am on book-shelving duty in between very tall shelves. My book cart is a few feet away. Right when I have a large armful of heavy books, a customer comes up behind me and startles me into nearly dropping everything. The customer, a man around thirty, doesn’t seem to notice me fumbling desperately and just barely managing to keep the stack of books in my arms, but immediately starts rambling in my direction without waiting for me to acknowledge him.)

Customer: “Hello! I’m looking for children’s books! The children’s books I’d like are—” *blah, blah, blah*

(He goes on rambling extensively and at very high speed, while I try to keep my books from falling.)

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for children’s books because–” *much rambling* “—and the children’s books I’m looking for are meant for my [Relative]… And the children’s books I’m looking for should preferably be about musical instruments! Because—” *long and convoluted explanation of why*

(I really want to put my books down, as they are getting heavier by the second, but it seems unacceptably rude to turn my back on a customer or step several feet away to the cart. But I think, “Surely he’ll stop speaking soon! A person can’t really ramble non-stop this way for much longer!”)

Customer: “And the children’s books I’m looking for, which should preferably be about musical instruments, should preferably be about guitars! Or pianos! And the children’s books I’m looking for, which should preferably be about musical instruments, and preferably be about guitars! Or pianos! These books should preferably be of [length]! Or [other length]! And they should preferably be [size]! Or [other size]! And I need these books for [Relative]! And I need these books about musical instruments, preferably about guitars! Or pianos, because—” *several minutes more of rambling about the details of the irrelevant reasons why he decided on these types of books as a gift*

(I am quietly boggling at him in shock while my arms have turned to lead, about to fall off from the strain. I try to open my mouth to interrupt him several times, but it’s clear he’s paying me no actual attention and it would be impossible to get a single word in without raising my voice – which I’m not willing to do with a customer.)

Customer: “And I need these books about musical instruments; preferably about guitars! Or pianos, to be preferably with [type of font], or maybe [other type of font], and I’d prefer them to have [amount] of illustration!”

(As I continue to stand staring at him in bafflement and despair, my arms now hurt so much I feel I’m just shy of having sweat falling down my face.)

Customer: “…and so I need these kinds of books! Children’s books! About musical instruments! Preferably guitars! Or pianos!”

(He’s finally wound down and has now deigned to look me properly in the face. Through great effort, I don’t make any overt expressions or say anything nasty to him. Silently, I step a foot away and find a space on a shelf to finally set down my armful of books, then unobtrusively take a deep breath to calm down and turn back to him.)

Me: *with a stony expression and voice* “Sir, you can go right over there, to the front counter, and ask one of the employees at the registers for help. They can assist you with finding the books you’re looking for.” 

(I point at the registers about twenty feet away, around the corner from the bookshelves. The very large, square register counter is in the front of the store, next to the entrance doors, with multiple other employees behind and around it. The customer has to have passed right by it when coming in, chosen not to ask anyone there for help, and instead hunted me down deep among the bookshelves, where I was very clearly performing shelving duty, and proceeded to rant at me for nearly ten minutes. And no, I’m not even really retaliating or just getting rid of him; I know nothing about books in the kids’ section and one of my coworkers up front is an expert.)

Me: *staring at him while standing very still and blank-faced* 

Customer: “Oh. Right.” *looks at me for a beat, then goes off to the front*

(I saw him a few minutes later going toward the children’s section with my coworker and rambling the same endless spiel at her.)

(As the lead customer service associate, I am responsible for training new customer service associates as they are hired. One woman — not some airhead teen, but a woman in her 40s — seems to have the IQ of a bag of bricks. Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. I ask my manager to speak with her, but shortly after every conversation, things go downhill again. About six months into her employment, I am sorting returns into their appropriate department bins when I come across an empty container of baby food with a competitor’s sticker on the lid.)

Me: “Hey, [Associate], what’s this?”

Associate: “Baby food.”

Me: “Okay. Um… We don’t take back open baby food.”

Associate: “Since when?”

Me: “Since… ever.”

Associate: “Why?”

Me: “There was a video about cutting drugs with baby food and other weird things addicts do with it. Do you remember that?”

Associate: “Oh, yeah! But it was empty. There couldn’t be drugs in it.” *laughs*

Me: “No, it wasn’t about leaving drugs in baby food. It was… okay. Regardless of why the customer purchased the baby food, they used all of it and you gave them their money back.”

Associate: “Oh.” *shrugs and walks away*

Me: “It also has a [Competitor] sticker on the lid.”

Associate: “Oh, yeah! I saw that.”

Me: *deep breath* “And you returned it because…?”

Associate: “Well, she said she took it to [Competitor] but they needed the receipt to give her her money back, but she already threw it away. I told her we didn’t need one!” *proud smile*

Me: “Any food product needs a receipt. We don’t take back open baby food. We don’t take back items with stickers from competitors, and we definitely don’t take back things customers admit they bought from other stores.”

Associate: “Oh. I didn’t know that.”

Me: *trying not to yell at her* “Okay. That was all part of your initial training. Please be more careful with your returns.”

(I went to management and begged them to do something about her, but they basically told me that any person at the desk is better than no person at all. I quit the day we both applied for a loss prevention position and she got it.)

(I am a personal shopper at a grocery store. Whenever we finish picking an order, we call the customer and tell them if we had to substitute anything because we were out of what they ordered. If they do not answer, we leave a message. The only things that are out on this particular order are four of the seven 24-packs of water and three of the six things of cat litter. However, this woman requested that nothing be substituted. A little while later, she calls the store back.)

Customer: “I missed a call from you guys earlier. I couldn’t understand the message because you didn’t use normal words.”

Me: “Um, okay, what was your name?”

Customer: “[Customer]. I didn’t understand your message because you didn’t use normal words when you were talking about my substitutions.”

Me: “Um, okay, it looks like the only things that were out were four of the [Water Brand] waters, and three of the [Litter Brand] cat litter.”

Customer: “You don’t have any more of the [Water Brand]?”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

Customer: “When will you get more in?”

Me: “I’m not sure. It’s a vendor item, so it will be whenever the vendor gets here, which might be tomorrow. Would you like another brand?”

Customer: “No! I can’t believe you’re out of [Water Brand]! You can substitute the cat litter for another one of [Litter Brand]. It has to be [Litter Brand]. I have a coupon that y’all gave me for buy one, get one, and it expires soon. I don’t want to waste the coupon on only three. My cats don’t care about the smell.”

Me: *realizes that she’s talking about a raincheck, not a coupon* “Okay, I will get you three more cat litters.”

Customer: “Are you sure you don’t have any more [Water Brand] in the back?”

Me: “I checked everywhere in the store where there might be some.”

Customer: “Because I have an adult son who carries in all the heavy stuff into the house for me, and I have to work around his schedule. Now, go ahead and substitute the cat litter. But you need to check for the [Water Brand]. My son is only available to help me today, and I need it and the cat litter.”

Me: “I will get you more cat litter. Don’t worry.”

Customer: “Transfer me to the manager.”

Me: *after I put her on hold* “What are normal words?”

(My manager was not happy about having to talk to her. This woman has a reputation for complaining to him whenever we are out of something on her order because we can’t make stuff magically appear in the store. Twenty minutes later, the vendor happened to show up, and my manager grabbed four cases of the water for me. I told my manager what the customer said about me not using “normal words” and they gave me grief for a week.)