Leonard Is Rolling Over In His Grave

, , | Right | June 27, 2008

(An older lady calls in to see if we will waive the late fee on her credit card. I see several previous refunds and decide not to refund unless it’s a bank error.)

Old Lady: “I’m afraid I forgot to send the payment. I just lost my husband, and it’s been such a stressful month for me.”

(I start to feel sorry for her and think maybe I can cut her a break. Then, I read the notes on the account more closely.)

Me: “Ma’am, what was your husband’s name?”

Old Lady: *sadly* “It was Leonard.”

Me: “Ma’am, I see that you faxed us Leonard’s death certificate two years ago, so you could remove his name from the account.”

Old Lady: *now indignant* “Well, it doesn’t get any easier!”

 

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While We’re At It, Here’s A Check For A Gazillion Bucks

, , , | Right | June 21, 2008

(My pizza place recently stopped accepting checks, due to a large number of returned checks. We have a large sign in the lobby, and a smaller sign at the register.)

Customer: “What?! I can’t write a check?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we no longer accept checks. We simply get too many returned for insufficient funds.”

Customer: “But I was going to write a check…”

Me: “We accept credit cards, or you can use your debit card for that checking account.”

Customer: “I can’t use my debit card! I don’t have enough money in my account!”

(And THAT is why we no longer take checks!)

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Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2008

Woman: *on phone* “You guys need to take that at-fault accident off my record.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. You’ll have to dispute that with the DMV.”

Woman: “What’s that?”

Me: “The Department of Motor Vehicles.”

Woman: “Why can’t you take it off? You were the one put it on there.”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t put anything on your record. The DMV did. What happened in that accident?”

Woman: “I bumped into someone.”

Me: “So you rear-ended someone? What were you doing?”

Woman: “Drinking a beer.”

Me: “Drinking a beer? While driving? Ma’am, if you rear-ended someone and had an open container of alcohol in your car it would be two violations, possibly three.”

Woman: “See? There you go again, puttin’ stuff on my record.”

Me: “Right.”

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A Nasty Case Of Selective Hearingitis

, , , | Right | June 10, 2008

(I work for the billing department for a big cable company. I speak English clearly, but it’s my second language.)

Lady: “I just got my bill and it says I owe you $400 in adult films, but I haven’t watched them.”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, but we got that information from your receiver. Do you think maybe somebody in your house might have ordered them?”

Lady: “No, there’s only me and my nephew.”

Me: “How old is your nephew?”

Lady: “He’s 14 years old, but he would never do that! I need you to credit my account for the whole amount.”

Me: “Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but I won’t be able to do this at this time. I see we have credited your account twice in the last six months.”

Lady: “I need the credit NOW, you hear me!”

Me: “I understand your frustration, but as I told you before it’s impossible for me to do that at this moment.”

Lady: “What? What did you say? I can’t understand you… You have a really thick accent!”

Me: “I apologize; I said I won’t be able to credit your account at this time.”

Lady: “What? You need to learn English before you get on the phones. I can’t understand a word you said!”

Me: “Okay… So, would you like me to credit your account for 600 dollars?”

Lady: “Yes, that’s what I’m asking for! THANK YOU.”

Me: “Oh, so now you understand my English. Sorry, we cannot credit your account at this time.”

Lady: “Let me speak to a supervisor!”

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Hopefully, She Got The House

, , , | Romantic | June 5, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Guest: “Hi, yes, I’m calling because your hotel charged our credit card twice?”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. If I can have your name, I’ll look you up in the computer and we can get this straightened out.”

Guest: *morphs into an uber-witch in three seconds flat* “Straightened out? D*** right you’re going to get this straightened out! You charged enough for that crappy little room! I’ll be d***ed if we’re paying for it twice! My husband works too hard for his money to be charged double for something like this! There wasn’t even a bar there!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but if I can just have your name and the date you stayed–”

Guest: “That’s just it! I was charged on two separate DATES. My name is [Guest] and my husband and I stayed there on June 9th. There’s another charge on there for the 17th. I want this fixed!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I understand. I’m looking now, ma’am… Okay, I see the problem. You did stay here on the 9th of June. I’m showing that someone by the name of [Husband] stayed on the 17th.”

(There’s dead silence for a moment, and then whispering.)

Guest: “What?”

(At this point my stomach falls into my shoes, because I can hear her mind ticking away, and I know something she doesn’t: another name is listed on the screen with her husband’s for the June 17th stay, and it’s NOT HERS.)

Me: “Um… ma’am?”

Guest: “I see. You’ve been very helpful.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Can I help you with anything else today?”

(At this moment the woman drops the phone but does not hang up, and I hear her begin to scream at someone, swearing in combos I never would have thought up. I hang up quickly and try to go about my business, making a note of it to tell my boss. Later I get another phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How–”

Guest’s Husband: “I want to talk to your manager, you stupid little b****! You probably just cost me my marriage and I am going to sue your s***-hole hotel for every penny it’s worth! Do you hear me? Do you?!”

Me: *click*

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