No So Street(sign) Smart

, , , , , , , | Legal | June 28, 2018

(My husband works for a volunteer organization that builds homes for people in need. They have a lot of problems with a neighbor who doesn’t want any of their trucks parked — legally — on the public street in front of his house. Despite the fact that he has a long driveway and a garage, he has somehow found a way to put up “No Parking” signs on his side of the street AND the opposite side of the street.)

Volunteer: “Wow, that was a long walk! I had to park all the way down the block and walk here.”

Husband: “Yeah… The neighbor across the street put up these ‘No Parking’ signs, so we are trying to work around it, even though we have to lug all of this construction equipment down the street.”

Volunteer: “Seriously?” *she inspects a sign, and makes a quick phone call* “These are not regulation signs.”

Husband: “What?”

Volunteer: “I work for the county office. The city has to put those up, and there is no record a ‘No Parking’ sign on this street.”

(She then proceeds to call the non-emergency police phone number, and by lunch an officer comes by to write him a ticket and to take the signs down.)

Neighbor: “I don’t want to look at those f****** trucks all day! You can’t make me take my signs down!”

Officer: “Sir, you can either take the signs down, or I can take them down and take you to the station.”

(Eventually, the neighbor took the signs down, glaring at the volunteers the whole time. I feel sorry for the family that will eventually have to put up with this guy!)

Katrina Ain’t Got Nothing On Me

, , , , | Hopeless | June 27, 2018

(I’m volunteering in a shelter after Hurricane Katrina. One of the residents is a frail, elderly woman; she is all alone and possibly suffering from dementia. She is barely able to tell the medical staff her name, and any paperwork and records were lost when she was evacuated a second time — before Hurricane Rita hit, many shelters housing Katrina evacuees were moved because they were in the path of the second hurricane. I just happen to be getting a cup of coffee in the staff room when the medical officer is lamenting to the shelter manager that they are getting nowhere trying to find her family.)

Me: “Are you talking about Mrs. [Common Last Name]?”

Doctor: “Yes. Nobody seems to know anything about her except that another resident thinks she may be from [Mid-Sized Town on the coast].”

(Like me, the doctor is from a major city, but I now live in a fairly rural area. I have an idea and Google [Mid-Sized Town]’s City Hall. The receptionist at City Hall doesn’t know our lost lady, but she gives me the number to the local senior services office. The woman who answers the phone there almost screams when I tell her my errand.)

Woman: “You have Mrs. [Common Last Name]? My Lord, her son is frantic! She’s been missing for almost two weeks!”

Doctor: *somewhat later* “What an incredible piece of luck, that woman knowing Mrs. [Common Last Name]. What if she hadn’t?”

Me: “Then I would have started calling every single church in [Mid-Sized Town] until I found someone who did.”

(I’m not exactly Sherlock Holmes; you just have to know where to look.)

Unlocked Their Humor

, , , , , , | Working | June 26, 2018

I volunteer at a nearby hospital. My position is mainly front-desk, which means when visitors come in to see a patient, they have to get a visitor badge from me or the other volunteer. The badges have to show the visitors’ names, destination, time they checked in with the front desk, picture, etc.

The pictures come out a lot darker than expected, almost as silhouettes. Every time someone makes a comment like, “Why is my picture so dark?” or, “How come it looks like this?” I tell them, “I don’t know why it makes everyone look like a locked video game character.”

After that, the visitors leave the front desk and go to see their patient while laughing and carrying a smile on their face.

Sentenced To Death

, , , , , | Working | June 25, 2018

(I’m doing some volunteer work alongside a coworker who has her baby in a sling on her back. After a while she asks me:)

Coworker: “How is he doing back there?”

Me: “Looks pretty dead…”

(She gives me a horrified look, so I hastily add:)

Me: “…to the world, I mean!”

Coworker: “Don’t say things like that to a new mother!”

She’s Just Jelly Because She Has Jelly

, , , , , , | Working | May 29, 2018

(I work at a small science museum, and in addition to part-time staff we have volunteers. Most of our volunteers are elders and come with their fair share of quirks. One volunteer is a nuisance to eat lunch with, because she always criticizes what other people are eating. I usually bring reasonably healthy frozen store-bought meals. I cook my own breakfast, and dinner is always freshly prepared. Lunch is my only frozen meal. I always dread if I am scheduled to have a break at the same time as her, as conversations like the following will occur.)

Volunteer: “What are you eating?”

Me: “Chicken fajita rice bowl.”

Volunteer: “What’s in that?”

Me: “Chicken, beans, rice, and seasoning.”

Volunteer: “You could have made that at home, honey.”

Me: “I don’t have time.”

Volunteer: “Find time and freeze it. I freeze everything. What else do you have?”

Me: *hungry and wanting to eat and not talk* “No-junk protein bar.”

Volunteer: “Ugh. Sounds disgusting. What’s in it?”

Me: “Organic coconut, pea protein, almonds, tapioca powder…”

Volunteer: “And a million things you can’t pronounce?”

Me: “No, it’s all raw, organic ingredients.”

Volunteer: “Probably tastes awful.”

Me: “No, they’re really good.”

Volunteer: “Sure they are.”

Me: “…”

Volunteer: “You know, you kids really need to eat more healthily. I always worry about what you eat.”

(The volunteer then started eating her gelatin dessert, and I simultaneously pondered whether she was joking or if I should eat a lump of cold poison for lunch.)


Tired of being disrespected? Show the world how you feel by stopping by our Antisocial collection in the NAR Store!
Page 1/3123
Next »