The Klass Of 2015

, , , , | Learning | March 12, 2013

(I’m working clearing, which is when we take in calls about students who are in their last ditch effort to get into the university.)

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. I’m going to process your application now. Can I please take your first name?”

Student: “Yes. It’s…” *unintelligible speech*

Me: “Can you please spell that for me?”

Student: “Ugh, if I have to. It’s K…” *unintelligible*

Me: “Okay, can you repeat that for me? It starts with K?”

Student: “Yeah, you know. K as in Chicken.”

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Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | January 31, 2013

(I’m standing in a fairly short queue when a businessman walks in, pushes straight to the front, and starts dictating his order to the 20-something-year-old cashier.)

Cashier: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the back of the queue, sir.”

Business man: “I have an important meeting shortly. You must serve me now!”

Cashier: “Yeah, the longer you stand there, the later you’re going to be. Back of the queue.”

Business man: “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Cashier: “Nope. Now shut up and go to the back of the queue.”

Business man: “How dare you talk to me like that?! Get me your manager now!”

(The cashier sighs heavily, walks into the back, comes out with an older woman in tow and nods her towards the businessman, then disappears back into the back.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Business man: “That boy was incredibly rude to me! I demand you fire him immediately!”

Manager: “I’m afraid I don’t have the authority to do that, but if you want I can get the owner for you.”

Business man: “Bah! Fine, but I expect to be compensated for having to go through all of this trouble!”

Manager: “I’m sure you can discuss that with him, sir.”

(She then walks into the back, then comes out again with the now grinning cashier.)

Cashier: “Yo.”

Business man: “What’s the meaning of this? I said I wanted to talk to the owner!”

Cashier: “Like I said, yo.”

(The businessman silently gapes for a few seconds, then walks out, stammering threats about having his head and closing the shop down.)

Manager: “Why do you always have to involve me?”

Cashier: “I just love the look on their stupid little faces when they find out I own this joint.”

(The manager rolls her eyes and walks into back.)

Cashier: “I love this job. What can I get you?”

 

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Don’t Mess With A Browncoat

, , , , , , | Right | December 3, 2012

(I work in a movie/TV memorabilia store. Most of the stock is sci-fi related. A boy approaches my station.)

Boy: “Excuse me, you sell stuff like Klingon to English dictionaries, right?”

Me: “We surely do. There’s two in stock at the moment.”

Boy: “Okay, so then do you have a dictionary for Firefly to English? I’m like, obsessed with it… I’d like to know what the people are saying when they speak the space language, so I can say I know everything!”

Me: “Oh, it’s not actually a made-up language. They’re speaking Chinese.”

Customer: “Eh? They are not. It’s a space language. It’s set way in the future and everyone lives in space. Have you never seen it?”

Me: “I have indeed. I’m a big fan. I assure you they speak Chinese.”

(The boy looks surprised and then laughs loudly at me.)

Boy: “You’re a lassie. Isn’t Firefly more for guys? There’s loads of fighting and stuff. You can’t know that much about it. Why the h*** would space-folk speak Chinese, then?”

(I pull my keys from my pocket, from which dangles my Serenity spaceship key-ring.)

Me: “I also own the DVD box-set, the graphic novels, cast posters, 2 t-shirts and several other bits and pieces. I’ve even met Jewel Staite. The characters speak Chinese sometimes because after the war, America and China were the only remaining large power countries, who came together to form The Alliance. The culture-fusion resulted in a mixture of both English and Chinese being the commonly spoken tongues.”

Boy: “You just made that up. You don’t even know. I know far more than you. Who’s Jewel Staite supposed to be, then?”

Me: “She’s the actress who plays Kaylee!”

(A second customer in line who has been listening with interest suddenly pipes up.)

Customer #2: “I thought you knew everything about the show? Quit being such a tool and let me pay for my stuff already.”

Boy: “But I just want a Firefly dictionary! This stupid cow won’t help me!”

Customer #2: “You’ll find a Chinese to English dictionary in any big bookshop. Now if you’ll leave the poor lassie alone, you gorram a**, that’d be shiny!”

(I can’t help but laugh and the boy flips us both off, then storms out, kicking a display as he goes. I smile at the second customer.)

Me: “Thanks for that, mate. Always nice to get back-up from a fellow fan.”

Customer #2: “No problem. That boy was a total sha gua.”

(I gave the customer a free Firefly keyring like mine for that. Note: ‘sha gua’ is Chinese for ‘fool’.)

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The Stark Truth Shall Set You Free

, , , | Related | July 17, 2012

(Since watching ‘The Avengers’, my little brother has gotten interested in comics. I’m home from college and educating him on the subject. We’re looking at the Marvel Encyclopaedia online.)

Brother: “Why does it say Iron Man has feet of clay?”

Me: “It means he isn’t as good as he seems to be. That he has a weakness.”

Brother: “That doesn’t make sense. Why do they say that?”

Me: “Well, it comes from a bible quote, from the book of Daniel.”

(I show him the quote which describes idols made from gold, iron, brass with clay feet which then are destroyed.)

Brother: “What’s brass?”

Me: “It’s the type of metal the light switch is made of. So feet of clay means a weakness, or something not as good as it pretends to be, and with Iron Man it means he drinks too much.”

(The next day at dinner.)

Brother: “Iron Man’s in the bible!”

Mum: “What?”

Me: “No. No, he’s not.”

Brother: “Yes, he is. The king saw him and he had clay feet and arms made of light switches! You said!”

*awkward silence*

Mum: “What, exactly, have you been telling my son?”

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Quiet In A Flash

, , , , , | Related | December 21, 2011

(I overhear a conversation. A little girl is stomping around, singing and yelling noisily in the changing rooms at a large clothing store.)

Mother: *from inside cubicle* “Shhh, sweetheart, shhh. Be a good girl.”

(The little girl continues stomping around, singing and yelling noisily, completely ignoring her mother.)

Grandmother: *from inside her cubicle* “Don’t talk to her in that stupid way; shout! Make her shut up.”

Mother: “She’s all right; she’s a good girl. Shhh, sweetheart, shush now.”

(The little girl gets noiser.)

Grandmother: “You’re a bit silly sometimes, love. I’ll sort her out. [Little Girl], come here a minute. Come and see Nanny.”

Little Girl: “What, Nanny?”

(The grandmothers cubicle door opens. The little girl screams.)

Little Girl: “Mommy, Nanny flashed me!”

Mother: “Mom! That’s not the way we handle these things!”

Grandmother: “[Little Girl], be quiet or I’ll do it again, all right?”

(The little girl is freaked out and stays silent.)

Grandmother: *villainous laugh*

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