You’ve Been Monroed

, , , , , , , | Friendly | March 18, 2019

(I’m at the park with my young son and my best friend. As we are sitting down having lunch, a couple of attractive girls walk past. It’s summer, so they’re in skirts. Just as they are nearly out of earshot, my friend mutters to me.)

Friend: “Where’s a gust of wind when you want one?”

Son: *quite loudly* Daddy, why does Uncle Jay want the wind to blow those ladies dresses up?

(The ladies turned to look at us and then walked away with a look of both amusement and disgust whilst my friend and I laughed and I tried to hush my son.)

Yacht Would You Like For Breakfast?

, , , , | Friendly | March 8, 2019

(My friend has a boat that’s currently on dry land, as we are doing some essential winter repairs. I’ve just reconnected all the cabling for the ship-to-shore radio, which hasn’t functioned properly for months due to some old cables that needed to be replaced. We settle down with anticipation for the first test of the radio, a simple call to the nearby marina, asking for a radio check. The marina we call up has a slight reputation for being a bit stuffy and straight-laced.)

Me: “Calling [Marina], this is [Yacht], just asking for a radio check, please. Over.”

(There’s ten seconds of silence, during which my friend’s face falls, until:)

Marina: “Good morning, [Yacht]. We’re receiving you, but just to let you know, there’s a lot of static; it sounds like you’re frying eggs and bacon in the background. Over.”

(That’s probably due to a weak connection somewhere, but we’re just glad it worked the first time!)

Me: “Thank you, [Marina]. We’ll stop cooking breakfast as soon as possible. Over.

Marina: “Three orders of eggs and chips, please, [Yacht]. Over and out.”

(I finally managed to clear up the issues with the static, but these mad little moments are to be treasured!)

What’s Confusing Is Your Inability To Order

, , , , , | Right | February 26, 2019

(My wife and I are in a fast food restaurant getting something to eat before she goes to bingo. We have ordered and are just waiting for our food while the woman behind is being served.)

Woman: “That burger—“ *points to board* “—does it come with those things?

Server: “No, they’re a side extra. They normally come with fries.”

Woman: “Well, that’s a bit misleading. Because to me, that makes it look like they’re included. And I don’t want those things.”

Server: “As I said, they are an optional side order.”

Woman: “But if you look at it, it is confusing.”

(This goes on for another few minutes until I can hold my tongue no more.)

Me: “Oh, for God’s sake, just shut up and order! We get it; you find it confusing! But you’re not the only one waiting to be served, so s*** or get off the pot!”

(The woman goes red-faced and mumbles her order before moving to the side, and the server mouths, “Thank you.”)

Me: “That’s okay. I’m not a people person, so after four years of working in a coffee shop, being forced to be nice, it feels good to let the frustration out.”

(Our food arrives and the server hands me an ice cream.)

Server: “It’s warm outside, and you deserve it.”

The Cake Is A Cry (For Help)

, , , , , , | Right | February 25, 2019

(I work in a nationwide coffee chain and our store is right in the middle of a shopping centre, so we are quite exposed to anyone walking past. I’m clearing the tables as it’s quiet, and a friend of my parents walks past, so we stop and talk for a moment. He has a reputation to anyone who knows him to be extremely cheap, like turning up at someone’s house at dinner time, hoping to get a free meal, instead of cooking himself.)

Me: “Anyway, best get moving. Lots of work to do.”

(I raise the pile of dirty cups, trays, plates etc. in my hands.)

Friend: “Okay.” *spots piece of half-eaten cake on a plate* “Can’t let that go to waste.”

(He swipes the cake and walks off, eating it as he goes.)

Coworker: “Did he just do what I thought he did?”

Me: “I really wish I could say he didn’t. I knew he was tight, but d***!”

(We both shuddered at the thought. How could someone not only eat someone else’s half-eaten piece of cake, but also a complete strangers’ without knowing what they might have done to it, what germs had gotten on it, how fresh it was…)

Does Not Register The Actual Register

, , , , , , | Right | February 11, 2019

(Our store has one place to queue and a row of fifteen tills. The cashier on the till pushes a button to call for the next customer, informing them of the till number ready for them. If it is busy, sometimes the customer can’t see the actual person standing at the till waiting to serve them, and to the more dim customers, this means that maybe the till itself or a ghost has called them and they ignore the call. I have pressed the button three times, and finally, the two women ignoring me make their way to my till. I greet them and they just glare at me, as if it’s my fault they are idiots. One of them is holding two items of clothing, which she puts down on the counter. I pick up one and scan it, fold it, and reach for the second. I am about to scan it.)

Customer #1: “We’re paying separately.”

Customer #2: *just glares at me*

(I asked if [Customer #1] required a bag, and they grumpily complained about not paying 5p, so I took that as a no. I processed the sale and repeated the process with the second customer, thanked them, and said goodbye. I didn’t get much as a mumble of thanks during either transaction, let alone as they walked off. Apparently, my job also requires me to be psychic!)

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