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Declining To Comment On The Quality Of Your Card

, , , , | Right | May 8, 2021

In this buffet restaurant, you pay as you enter, and then you can go up to the buffet as many times as you’d like. I’m working on the till on a Saturday night and the evening rush is in full swing with a massive queue of people

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. That’ll be £16.99, please. Cash or card?”

Customer: “Card.”

He uses contactless payment, and I notice that his card is very beaten up and broken in places. The card is declined.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, your card was declined. Would you like to try again? Please try inserting your card this time as the contactless sometimes plays up on this machine.”

Customer: “It can’t be a problem with my card! There’s over two grand on this card!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. If you wouldn’t mind just trying again but inserting your card this time?”

He tries again and the card is declined again. This goes on for another couple of minutes without any luck. He gets increasingly angrier and starts swearing at me. 

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but your card isn’t working. Do you have any cash you can use to pay for your meal instead?”

Customer: “Am I going to have to go through all of this s*** every time I want to buy a drink tonight?! There is enough f****** money on my card to pay for this s***! It must be your f****** card machine!”

After yelling and swearing at me for a couple of minutes more, he pulled a £20 note out and used that instead. I processed the payment and sent him through, but before he left, he yelled at me some more about how it was my fault, all while holding up the queue.

Watch Your Fookie-ng Mouth

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 8, 2021

My partner and I are trying to clear our baking cupboard of ingredients. As such, we have found a basic cookie recipe to amend. We chuck in a bunch of random ingredients with the chocolate chips: chopped almonds, maple syrup, a whole glug of vanilla extract, a mix of two sugars, and the remnants of bread flour with plain.

The dough tastes oddly amazing but has the odd blended appearance of glossy cookie dough and dark fudge goodness.

Partner: “Well, the basic recipe did say the cookie dough would look a bit like fudge.”

Me: “Oh! It’s a ‘fookie’!”

Partner: “Oh, God, you can’t call it that.”

I think for a moment, whilst trying to form this franken-cookie goodness into a ball.

Me: “Then it’s… a ‘cudge.’”

Partner: “Somehow, that sounds so much worse.”

Me: “This is one of those funny conversations I can never tell your mother.”

Don’t Discount Their Ability To Bluff

, , , , | Right | May 8, 2021

I work as an assistant manager at a popular chain restaurant that’s located within an upscale department store. We had a regular customer comes in with his family and is an absolute pain in the backside. He complains about waiting times, service times, food quality, etc., every time he visits in order to score discounts on his bills which often exceed £100. He is pretty obnoxious and rude to the staff in general and we all know him by sight.

One night, we are full — no seats available — leading up to closing time and this guy is standing in the queue moaning to every member of staff that passes by about how long the wait is to be seated.

I recognise him and decide I am not going to give him the excuse to complain this time. I do absolutely everything I can to make sure he gets seated ASAP and that his meal and service are impeccable. Things go well, and he is being uncharacteristically civil.

The guy and his family finish up. He comes up to the till and hands me a voucher for a large discount on his meal. To clarify, we have these cards in all our locations that advertise vouchers for customers who submit their email addresses. However, these vouchers clearly state that these offers are not valid in all locations and that this particular voucher is not valid at our restaurant.

I weep a little internally as I know what is coming.

Me: “Sorry, sir, this voucher was not valid at our location and I can’t apply that discount.”

Customer: “The voucher must be valid because I signed up for the email offers whilst physically in this particular restaurant!”

Me: “Sir, the terms and conditions specifically state that this location is not included in the offer.”

It is ten minutes past close, so this is all happening whilst the department store is shutting its doors and their floor manager is getting impatient.

Floor Manager: “What’s wrong?”

I explain the situation.

Floor Manager: “Just give him the discount.”

Usually, I would just go along with this, but the guy has racked up a major bill and I have had enough of his nonsense.

Me: *To the customer* “This voucher was not valid and you will have to pay the full bill.”

Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know that I couldn’t use this voucher here?”

Me: “The terms and conditions on the voucher are very clear on this. I would suggest checking T&Cs on vouchers before trying to redeem them.”

This may sound a little abrupt, but I have already pointed this out several times by now.

Customer: “Call your boss.”

I do. My boss is home, asleep, and rather understandably irate.

Boss: “The voucher is not valid. The customer does not get a discount. Use your judgement.”

I put on my best “access denied” face and repeat what I stated previously.

Customer: “Right, you’ll just have to call the police, then.”

Me: “That really shouldn’t be necessary.”

Customer: “I’m not leaving until you give me my discount.”

His wife and kids are waiting in the department store doorway asking what the holdup is. Everybody in the store is getting annoyed now as they want to cash up and go home. I’m not having it this time. I have to make a decision.

Me: “Okay, here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you your discount, but you’re not welcome at this location again.”

Customer: “You what?”

Me: “You’re effectively refusing to pay for the full price of your meal, so you have a choice: pay the bill in full or take the discount and don’t come back.”

Customer: “Oh, you’ve done it now. You have no idea what’s coming. I’ll be taking you to court over this.”

I am totally past giving a f***.

Me: “That’s fine. What would you prefer to do?”

Customer: “I want what you just said to me in writing so I can show it to my lawyer and your head office.”

In for a penny…

Me: “Okay, then.”

I take a pen and paper and write the following:

Note: “To whom it may concern,

This is to certify that [Customer] is no longer welcome at [Location]. [Customer] is welcome to visit other locations in the [Restaurant] chain.

Signed: [My Signature] 

Assistant Manager.”

Me: “Here you go.”

The customer is gobsmacked.

Customer: “Oh, you’ve really done it now. Wait until my lawyer sees this!”

I give the guy his discount, process the bill, and give him his receipt.

Customer: “You’ve not heard the last of this, I guarantee it!”

That was the last I heard of it.

It Would Be Better Explained If You Lip-Synced It For Your Life

, , , , , , , , , , | Right | May 7, 2021

I am selling something online. I provide my Whatsapp number for messaging but I am surprised when I get a call from an American number claiming interest in my item.

Caller: “I figured since I will be in San Francisco this weekend I could just swing by and pick it up?”

Me: “That’s great, except I’m in London. Nothing in my ad says I’m in San Francisco.”

Caller: “So that’s like… what, East Bay?”

Me: “What? No… London. London, England.”

Caller: “So down near Mountain View?”

Me: “No! London. With the bridge. The Queen lives there.”

I hear someone else on the caller’s side speak up.

Person With Caller: “What’s going on?”

Caller: *Replying* “I don’t know. They’re saying they’re a queen in San Francisco.”

Person With Caller: “Drag queens, honey. They’re called drag queens in San Francisco.”

I wonder if there is a confused-looking woman now wandering the streets of San Francisco looking for a drag queen with a used toaster oven.


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Crime Doesn’t Pay, Especially When You Gloat

, , , , | Legal | May 7, 2021

I’m a senior staff member. On Saturday evening, the store where I work had about £70 worth of jewellery stolen. The individual was savvy and did it off camera so we only have a few details, and they describe most of our typical customers. As such, we are a bit stuck.

On Monday evening, one of the college-age workers comes in, phone in hand, and as though she’s on a mission.

Me: “You okay, [College Girl]?”

College Girl: “Are [Management People] in?”

Me: “No, I’m acting supervisor until 4:00 pm. Why?”

College Girl: “I got the thief admitting it on camera!”

It turned out it was her friend’s friend, who bragged about stealing the jewellery in front of the college girl, who happened to be filming at the time.