We are a multinational company, with coworkers from the UK, Germany, and France. Everyone seems to get on really well and most of us socialise outside of work, as well. Part of this is sarcasm and banter. Some of the German guys struggled to understand, but after a few months, they are joining in with everyone.

We’re discussing our kids and families. One of my German coworkers is talking about how great his kids are. It’s all normal parenting stuff.

Me: “Well, you know what they say about German children?”

German Coworker: “No. What?”

Me: “They’re all kind-er.”

German Coworker: “I don’t get it.”

Me: “Kind-er, you know, like kinder. That’s German for ‘children,’ right?”

German Coworker: “Oh, yes, very good. English joke. I get it now.”

We laugh more at how bad my humor is and finish our break. I am dragged into Human Resources that afternoon.

HR: “There’ve been reports that you have been using racially insensitive and bullying language.”

Me: “News to me. What did I say?”

HR: “Err…” *Checking paperwork* “Something about berating one of the German workers about his children.”

Me: “I said German kids were kind-er. Did you actually speak to [German Coworker]?”

HR: “I, err… no. He is next.”

Me: “I suggest you do that, and maybe to the person making these allegations.”

I caught up with my coworker later that week to make sure that he wasn’t actually offended . Surprise, he wasn’t, and he said he felt more part of the team when we treated him like the English workers. The anonymous complainer was spoken to about exaggerating complaints. Hopefully, they got the hint.

I trip up some stairs and do damage to my foot, resulting in some pain in my toes which is particularly bad when the middle toe is touched. My then-boyfriend decides to start tickling me starting on my good foot. He then moves on to my bad foot that I’ve complained about pretty much daily since doing it.

Me: *Sitting up* “Ah, be careful with that foot. Especially my toes! Please don’t touch them.”

Boyfriend: “I won’t!”

I relax somewhat — as much as you can when being tickled — as he focuses on gently tickling the sole of my bad foot. Then, out of the blue, he outright squeezes my middle toe — the one that’s the worse when touched. I shriek in pain and immediately pull myself into a sort of foetal position, trembling, with tears forming from the pain. He then bursts into tears, sitting on the floor next to the bed. I’m concerned that I might have kicked him accidentally when I moved.

Me: “Are you okay?”

Boyfriend: “I hurt you! Oh, God. I feel so baaaad.”

This continues. I’m confused and still in a lot of pain.

Me: “You’re crying? Why?”

Boyfriend: “I hurt you! I’m the worst! I’m evil! I’m disgusting!”

Me: “It’s okay, I’m okay. I just wasn’t… I’m okay.”

I spend some time reassuring him that everything is okay, and it ends with me leaning over the bed so I can hug him, despite being in pain. It suddenly hits me.

Me: “Why am I consoling you when I’m the one in pain?”

Boyfriend: “Because I feel so baaaad about it!”

Me: *Straightening* “You… purposely squeezed my bad foot. Why did you do that?”

Boyfriend: “I feel bad!”

Me: “But why did you squeeze?”

Boyfriend: *Huffing* “Stop making this about you! I feel awful and you don’t care! You’re just making me feel worse! Can’t you see how bad you’re making me feel? How could you be like this? I’m going for a drive to calm down!”

He slammed out of the room and I heard him leave the house. He texted me “dark thoughts” he’s having throughout his drive, which had me apologising and backing down. However, the nagging feeling about him never actually apologising for it and knowing he did it intentionally stuck with me. A few months and repeated instances later, we broke up.

I work for my local council. I have had a little old lady asking about pensioners’ discounts and exemptions for Council Tax. She keeps going on and on for a while and it seems like she just wants someone to talk to, so I let her tell me her life story.

At the end of the call:

Caller: “Thank you very much; you have been most helpful.”

Me: “Not a problem. If you need help with anything else, don’t hesitate to call us.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks, bye.”

Thinking she has put the phone down, I put my phone on speaker so I can quickly get some more scrap paper. Next moment, I hear a loud “Pffffft… Ahhh…” and realise the lady has just farted down the phone.

Caller: “Oops.” *Click*

I work for an energy supplier. A tenant sends us documents proving he moved out of a property we supply two months ago. He assumed his landlord had already contacted us, but he just received his quarterly statement and wanted to let us know he isn’t in the property anymore. He pays up to the day he moved out and provides the address of his landlord to send the bill for the last two months. The landlord calls us.

Landlord: “Why are you sending me a bill? I never gave you my address!”

Me: “Your address was provided to us by your tenant.”

Landlord: “They can’t do that, and you can’t bill me because I never consented to you supplying me once they moved out.”

Me: “Sir, we were only recently advised of the move-out. We’ve been supplying the property for two months since then and the energy needs to be paid for.”

Landlord: “It’s estimated, though; no one’s living there. How can it be so much?”

Me: “Our system is just estimating the usage based on previous usage. If you can give us more recent meter readings, we can get a more accurate bill for you.”

Landlord: “I don’t have that. I haven’t been there in weeks and I won’t be able to visit until next month.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but without those, we have to go by the estimation.”

Landlord: “Just send someone out to read it yourselves!”

Me: “Sir, we have no way of accessing the property to do that unless you let us in.”

Landlord: “Just use your key!”

Me: “Did you provide us with a key?”

Landlord: “Of course not!”

Me: “Then how would we have a key?”

Landlord: “All you suppliers have keys to the properties you supply.”

Me: “Sir, that’s just not true. You will need to pay the estimation if you cannot provide meter readings.”

Landlord: “I’m not paying it! You had no right to keep supplying the property, and this rate is ridiculous. How can you charge this?! It’s criminal!”

Me: “That would be our standard tariff rate. If a customer doesn’t sign up for one of our other tariffs, then we put them on this.”

Landlord: “That’s illegal! You should always put them on the cheapest tariff!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but our cheapest tariff means agreeing to have a smart meter install—”

Landlord: “I don’t want a smart meter!”

Me: “We understand that some people don’t want smart meters which is why we don’t put you on this tariff without speaking with you first.”

Landlord: “That’s criminal. There are a lot of elderly people who don’t like smart meters. You’re discriminating against them and forcing them to pay higher rates!”

Me: “Sir. Criminal would be forcing you to have a smart meter. If customers are unhappy with our prices, they always have the option of switching suppliers.”

Landlord: “Well, I definitely will be switching. This is disgusting and I will not pay it! You should have called me to ask if I wanted to stay with you.”

Me: “We do not hold a phone number for you, so we would have had no way to do this. We also do not call up people asking if they want to continue with us.”

Landlord: “I don’t care what you don’t do. That’s what you should have done!”

Me: “Sir, even if that was something we did, we were not aware that your tenant moved out until recently. We had no reason to believe someone else was responsible for the bills.”

Landlord: “You. Cannot. Bill. Me. Because. I. Never. Consented. To. Have. You. As. My. Supplier!”

Me: “As the owner, it is your responsibility to advise the utility companies supplying your property of any changes to tenancy. Regardless of whether or not you chose us, you are responsible for this bill.”

Landlord: “I never consented to f****** being with you! You cannot charge me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you should have arranged for another supplier to take over if you didn’t want to be with us.”

Landlord: “No, you should have just stopped the supply!”

Me: “Again, we did not know of the move out until recently, and since you did not contact us, we had no way to know you did not wish to continue with us.”

Landlord: “Which is why you should have f****** called me!”

Me: “Sir, please do not swear. We had no phone number and no way to call you.”

Landlord: “I’ll swear if I f****** want to! You’re a grown woman; just deal with it!”

Me: “You’re right, I am a grown woman, and as such, I have every right to ask you not to swear. I also have every right to disconnect this call, so please do not swear at me when I am just doing my job.”

Landlord: “I’m not paying this and I will be contacting my lawyer. You are all a bunch of scammers!” *Click*

It was another two months before he got round to switching the supplier, and yes, he had to pay for the energy used during this time.

I’m searching around for new broadband deals when I spot a deal too good to be true. I call them up to check.

Me: “Hi. I’ve noticed you had a TV and Internet deal for [price], but without the TV it’s more expensive?”

Salesperson: “That’s right. We give you a box on which you can watch on-demand shows, films, and free-to-air channels.”

Me: “And this is cheaper than taking an Internet-only deal?”

Salesperson: “it is!”

Me: “Sign me up.”

I switch over to the company and I throw the TV box in a corner; I have no need for it. A few months later, I get a phone call from the same company.

Salesperson: “Our records show that you haven’t connected your TV box up to the Internet. Are you having problems with it?”

Me: “No, I just don’t want to use it.”

Salesperson: “But you’re paying for it.”

Me: “Actually, it was cheaper to do it that way.”

Salesperson: “Oh, okay, then. Would you like to return the TV box? We can send prepaid return packaging.”

Me: “Do I have to stop my TV package and pay more?”

Salesperson: “Let me check… Yes, you revert to the other package and your new monthly bill would be [amount] more.”

Me: “Then no. I think I will keep it.”

Salesperson: “Oh? Okay. Well, if you’re sure.”

I got a few more calls exactly like that one. The company stopped offering the package after a while. I guess no one wanted to pay more for less.