(I’m in the middle of sharing interesting facts about Seattle to a group of 20. Unfortunately, one tourist has been talking on the phone the entire time, making it hard for others to hear me.)

Me: “Now, back when the Space Needle was built, it was the tallest building west of the Mississippi River and it—”

Tourist: “Wait, which of these rivers is the Mississippi?”

Me: “Well, that’s the Puget sound to your right. The two other large bodies of water you can see are Lake Union and Lake Washington—”

Tourist: “So, where’s the river?”

Me: “You mean the Mississippi River?”

Customer: “Well, duh.”

Me: “I guess about 1600 miles east of here.”

Customer: “So, you can’t see it, then?”

Me: “Not from here, no.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(I am providing a tour through Ireland and explaining its history.)

Me: “…and then the Danish Vikings and the Norse Vikings got together and created the most fantastic thing in the world. Does anyone know what that is?”

Young Passenger: “Chicken nuggets!”

Me: “I was going to say red hair, but that answer just blows mine out of the water!”

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Customer: “I need to change my currency before I get on the train to Paris.”

Me: “Okay, sir. There is a Bureau De Change just over there where you can purchase your Euros.”

Customer: “What? I already have Euros. I need to get some Francs.”

Me: “Sir, they only accept Euros in France now. You will not need Francs.”

Customer: “Okay, whatever. Next question: how do I get to France from Paris?”

(I give tours for prospective students and their families at my school. In the school chapel, there is a plaque commemorating when Martin Luther King, Jr., gave a speech there in the 1950s.)

Me: “The chapel has been host to a number of famous speakers, including Martin Luther King, Jr., as you can see here.”

Parent: “Oh, was that before or after he was assassinated?”

Me: “Uh…”

Daughter: “Mom!”

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(I had a job on a boat, taking tourists out to sea so they could take really nice pictures of the midnight sun. One day, one of the tourists came up to me.)

Me: “What do you think of the midnight sun?”

Tourist: “Yeah, it’s really nice, but tell me one thing. On the map of our solar system, where is the midnight sun located?”

Me: “Er… the sun?”

Tourist: “No! I know where the sun is, but where is the midnight sun?”

Me: “The midnight sun and the sun are exactly the same, but when you are as far north as you are now, and since it’s summer, the sun never sets.”

Tourist: “WHAT THE F***?! I’m gonna sue your sorry a** for false advertisement! I didn’t come all the way from the US to watch the sun I have back home! *storms away*