Customer: “I need to change my currency before I get on the train to Paris.”
Me: “Okay, sir. There is a Bureau De Change just over there where you can purchase your Euros.”
Customer: “What? I already have Euros. I need to get some Francs.”
Me: “Sir, they only accept Euros in France now. You will not need Francs.”
Customer: “Okay, whatever. Next question: how do I get to France from Paris?”
(I give tours for prospective students and their families at my school. In the school chapel, there is a plaque commemorating when Martin Luther King, Jr., gave a speech there in the 1950s.)
Me: “The chapel has been host to a number of famous speakers, including Martin Luther King, Jr., as you can see here.”
Parent: “Oh, was that before or after he was assassinated?”
Me: “Uh…”
Daughter: “Mom!”
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(I had a job on a boat, taking tourists out to sea so they could take really nice pictures of the midnight sun. One day, one of the tourists came up to me.)
Me: “What do you think of the midnight sun?”
Tourist: “Yeah, it’s really nice, but tell me one thing. On the map of our solar system, where is the midnight sun located?”
Me: “Er… the sun?”
Tourist: “No! I know where the sun is, but where is the midnight sun?”
Me: “The midnight sun and the sun are exactly the same, but when you are as far north as you are now, and since it’s summer, the sun never sets.”
Tourist: “WHAT THE F***?! I’m gonna sue your sorry a** for false advertisement! I didn’t come all the way from the US to watch the sun I have back home! *storms away*
Me: “How can I help you today?”
Customer: “What time does the island close?”
Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”
Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”
Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”
Customer’s Wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”
Customer: “But really, when do you close?”
Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”
Customer’s Wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children. Just tell us when.”
Me: *sigh* “Five o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”
(I had just finished giving a 45-minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)
Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”
Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”
Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”
Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”
Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”
Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*
