Mom Wants You To Fly High, But Not That High

, , , , , | Related | January 3, 2020

(My family is on vacation, visiting Washington DC. We go to the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum and they have flight simulators that you can pay to ride in. It’s basically like a big video game, where you climb into the machine, buckle in, and then use the joystick to pilot the plane. It can spin and flip. Being kids, naturally, my sister wants me to go nuts and I oblige, flipping and spinning the ride almost nonstop. It’s a blast. After we get out, my mom takes me by the shoulders and looks me square in the eyes.)

Mom: “Please never get a pilot’s license.”

1 Thumbs
363

Unfiltered Story #181145

, , | Unfiltered | December 27, 2019

Best advice EVER from a seasoned and long gone compatriot.

Had a cheating couple at one of my tables, the place was slammed, but food was coming out of the kitchen at a good pace.

They were seated for a whole 20 minutes before I said to her “I swear, you food is coming out soon.” We had runners and everyone on the wait staff helped too.

Those fuckers sat (took up) the table for two hours, then she complained about her fries being cold…. over an hour after they were delivered.

My manager called me over (in their presence) when she complained that I’d “sworn” at her… “I swear that your burger is coming soon.” He invited them to never come back, with prejudice.

But the point of my post is the advice of a co-worker, after the fact… give them what they ask for, analyze the complaint. You need to think different (I don’t think different) to diffuse the insane demands of those looking for free stuff. If I’d only had the kitchen re-heat those last fries and that sliver of a burger, she’d have had nothing (but shitty food).

Giving History The Finger

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 19, 2019

(My parents are visiting the nation’s capitol and I live nearby, so I meet up with them to tour the Smithsonian Museum of American History. At one of the exhibits is a statue of a colonial period woman holding her arm bent upwards with her palm facing towards her and her index finger pointing upwards. My dad and I are near this exhibit, as are a couple of girls who look to be around 14 or 15.)

Me: *jokingly to my dad* “Oh look, back then they used to flip each other off with this finger.”

Teenage Girl: *seriously* “Wow, really?”

Me: “No, that’s a joke.”

Teenage Girl: “Oh.”

Dad & Me: *silently cracking up as we walk away*

1 Thumbs
181

It Takes A Surgeon To Get You Through Border Control These Days 

, , , , , , | Working | December 2, 2019

(I am going to a concert with my parents, and my mother is recovering from surgery on a broken hand during which she had numerous pins placed to stabilize the bones. Her hand is also encased in a cast. We go through the metal detectors, and naturally, my mother’s hand sets off the detector. The security guard pulls out the wand to spot-check my mom, and asks her if she has any metal that she hasn’t removed.)

Mother: “Yes, I have six pins in my hand to set the break.”

Security Guard: “You need to remove them.”

Mother: “They’re implanted into my hand and covered with a solid cast. I can’t remove them.”

Security Guard: “You can’t go in with metal. You need to remove the metal and go through the scanner again.”

Mother: “Are you a surgeon?”

Security Guard: “No.”

Mother: “These are surgical pins that have been placed into my bones by a surgeon. They’re not coming out.”

Security Guard: “You still need to remove the metal.”

Mother: *ready to wallop the guard with the cast* “Unless you are willing to pay any medical bills from pulling these pins, they are not coming out.”

(Finally, a manager came over, realized the extent of my mom’s injury, told the guard he was an idiot, and let us through.)

1 Thumbs
701

Burn Back

, , , , , | Related | November 11, 2019

(I am staying at my friends’ house for the night. They are sisters, and we are currently doing each other’s hair.)

Friend #1: *messes up [Friend #2]’s hair* “Hey, at least now when people see you they will be like, ‘Eww, her hair!’ instead of, ‘Eww, her face!'”

Friend #2: “Hey!”

Me: *pause* “You guys are identical twins.”

1 Thumbs
337