Someone Has To Be The Voice Of Reason

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2018

(I work as tech support in a government office filled with people who have PhDs but no understanding of technology. We get requests for help for all kinds of things and often have to provide one-on-one support. The IT department starts getting phone calls from one user saying voices are coming out of her computer. Our computers do not have built-in speakers, and we confirm she does not have external speakers; plus, whenever we go down there we hear nothing. One day I pick up and it is this user.)

Customer: “I keep hearing those d*** voices!”

Me: “I am really sorry. Are the voices happening now?”

Customer: “No, but that is the problem: I call and tell you guys to come fix this, but by the time you come down, it is gone. It keeps happening, though! Has someone hijacked my computer? Can they see me?!”

Me: “This is what I am going to do. I am going to come down and sit with you until the voices come back.”

(I tell my manager where I will be and go to her office. I sit there for three hours playing on my phone while the customer goes about her business. I am about to give up when I hear a muffled voice.)

Customer: “See?! You hear it, too! I am not crazy; something is in my computer. I want you to make the voices stop!”

(I begin to play a game of hot-or-cold, slowly walking around the room trying to figure out where the voice is the loudest. Doing this, I find myself by the wall behind her desk. I walk out of the room, take two steps to the door to the next room, and see that the person is on speaker-phone. They hang up and go back to typing. I go back to my customer.)

Me: “Did the voices just stop?”

Customer: “Yes! What is it?!”

Me: “Well, it appears the walls are really thin, and you are hearing the person next to you every time she picks up the phone. Her desk is right up against the wall, too.”

Customer: “That makes no sense! Why would I hear her? It has to be coming from something else!”

(The phone in the other office rings and the voice comes back.)

Me: “By any chance, does the voice start after you hear a phone ring?”

Customer: “That is not the voice I am hearing!”

Me: “I am really sorry; I don’t think we can make your voices go away.”

You Have Many Grave Concerns, But This Won’t Be One Of Them

, , , , , , , , , | Romantic | February 13, 2018

(My friend is the maître d’ at a high-end restaurant. Reservations are always needed for dinner, but on holidays they can book weeks in advance. It is Valentine’s Day, and he has been fully booked for over a month. As you can imagine, people try to break rules to get a seat. This is the case when a man and woman arrive.)

Man: “You should have a reservation for two under ‘Graves.'”

Maître D’: “I don’t have any open reservations. What was the first name?”

Man: *sigh* “Abigail Graves.”

Maître D’: “Excuse me for a moment while I check.”

(My friend is confused at this point, because there is, in fact, a reservation under the name; however, he has already seated them ten minutes before, and the seated woman has given him the correct code from the reservation app. He decides to check with the seated Abigail. She is a visibly pregnant woman who is sitting with an older woman.)

Maître D’: “Excuse me for bothering you, but a couple has arrived claiming to be under your reservation.”

(At this point, the pregnant woman starts to cry and the older woman looks furious.)

Older Woman: “The nerve of him! He probably has her with him.”

Abigail: “Grandma! Please! Look. Two weeks ago, I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another woman. He’s been making my life miserable because I left him. He won’t let me come get my dog, and he has been following me. I can’t believe he is here. He fought with me when I made the reservation. If you seat him, I can’t look at him. I’ll have to leave… I…”

Maître D’: “Miss, please don’t worry. I will handle the situation. You and your grandmother just have a lovely Valentine’s dinner.”

(The owner sees the woman crying, and asks what the situation is. My friend quickly fills him in, and the owner says he wants to handle this personally. As they are walking back towards the door, the owner pauses.)

Owner: “What name was the reservation under?”

Maître D’: “Graves.”

Owner: *grinning ear to ear* “That’s what I thought.”

(They get to the rather peeved-looking man and woman a moment later.)

Owner: “I’d like you to know that I looked at the reservations. This restaurant doesn’t have any spare ‘Graves’ to seat you in. However, cheating on a pregnant woman means you deserve to be lying in one. Show yourself out.”

Man: “You have some nerve.”

Owner: “No? Okay, [Security Staff], escort them out.” *to Maître D’* “Please comp her meal. It’s not every day I can threaten someone using puns.”

Book Him To Colombia To Spite Him

, , , , , | Right | February 4, 2018

(I am at Washington Dulles airport, and I have just missed a connection. I head to the customer service desk for my airline. I am the only one currently there, and there are five or six women behind the counter. I approach the one who actually makes eye contact with me, and begin the process of rebooking onto the next flight. While [Representative #1] is helping me with this, a man comes rushing up to her and starts shouting.)

Passenger: “I need to get on that plane!”

(One of the other ladies behind the counter tries to get his attention.)

Representative #2: “Which plane?”

Passenger: *still to [Representative #1]* “The one out there going to Columbia!”

Representative #2: “The cabin door has already closed on that plane. We cannot have it reopened. I can reb—”

Passenger: *finally to her, rather than the lady who is still rebooking me* “No! I need to be on that plane!

Representative #2: “You can go to the gate and ask for a manager, but I doubt—”

(He walks away before she can finish, and [Representative #1] has to switch to another computer, because hers freezes up, so it takesa little more time. As she’s finally printing my tickets, the man comes back, all red-faced and angry. He actually starts going behind the counter where the ladies are all working.)

Representative #1: *losing her cool for the first time* “Sir! You are not to come back here behind the customer service desk!”

Passenger: “They won’t open the doors! I need—”

Representative #1: “You need to go back around this desk, or I will call the police to move you there.”

Passenger: “You and I need to have a little talk about customer service.”

Representative #1: “That’s just fine, as long as it takes place with you on the other side of this desk!”

(She hands me my tickets.)

Representative #1: “GO!”

(I hightailed it out of there, passing security as I did so. Whoever that man was, I’m pretty sure he didn’t make it to Columbia.)

Call 1-800-GOD!

, , , , | Right | February 2, 2018

(A few minutes before my shift ends, my phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Agency]. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you this evening?”

(The customer is LIVID from the get-go.)

Customer: “Yeah, you people screwed up my mother-in-law’s address on her application. She needs to get this corrected, now.”

(I’m bracing for this to be a very long, painful call, especially because before opening the file, we have to do a few sets of verifications, and I don’t think this lady will go for it.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. If I could please have the file number, I’ll see if I can pull up the case.”

Customer: “It’s 12—”

(The phone line begins to cut in and out.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m so sorry. Could you repeat that? I could only–“

(The phone cuts again, and the call drops. I breathe a huge sigh of relief, and I poke my head over my cubicle wall to say to my friend:)

Me: “[Coworker], I think I was just blessed by God.”

Copied And Pasted Answer Over And Over

, , , , | Right | January 25, 2018

(I go into the copy room at a research library to find out how much copies cost, so I know how much cash to get over my lunch break. I’m not holding anything at all, and, obviously, I am not about to use the copy machine.)

Patron: *from a table ten feet away* “I’m using that.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’m just seeing how much copies are.”

Patron: “You can’t use it! I’m using it.”

Me: “Oh, no. I don’t want it now; I just want to find out how much they cost.”

Patron: “I’m making a lot of copies right now, and you can’t use it!”

Me: *having verified the cost and starting to move away* “I don’t have anything to copy right now; I just want to know how much money I need to get.”

Patron: “You can’t use it! I’m using it!”

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