Well, You’ve Been A Real Ham…

, , , , | Right | February 10, 2020

(The place where I work has a canteen including a deli where you can get sandwiches made. I am queueing at the sandwich counter behind a guy who is relatively high-up in the organisation. He is in the middle of ordering a sandwich.)

High-Up Guy: “A slice of ham…”

(The chef opens a new packet of ham. There are about twenty slices and they are all identical looking.)

High-Up Guy: “Give me a lean one if you have one.”

(I start giggling at the sheer madness of this request. They all look exactly the same. The chef catches my eye and I can tell he is now trying not to laugh. My giggling becomes uncontrollable and I step out of line to recover. The chef is now openly smiling and the high-up guy looks really embarrassed as he finishes ordering. The high-up guy takes his sandwich and leaves, still looking really embarrassed. I step up to the counter.)

Me: “Oh, my God, did he expect you to look through them all?”

Chef: “Yes. Yes, he did.”

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To Be Fair, He’s Too Stupid To Steal Anything

, , , , | Right | January 30, 2020

(This is something I deal with on a regular basis.)

Customer: “I cannot remember my account name or password.”

Me: “Okay, I will see what we can do for you. Can I have the phone number on the account?”

Customer: “I don’t have it.”

Me: “Okay, can I have your address?”

Customer: “I’m not sure.”

Me: *every time!* “I’m sorry, but you have not provided enough information for me to find an account.”

Customer: “This is a f****** joke, mate. I’m paying for a service that I can’t get access to; this is illegal.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t help you if you have forgotten your details.”

Customer: “I want my account back now!

Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot find an account because you don’t have any details.”

Customer: “Fine! Well then, I will create a new account, but I want everything for my old account transferred to my new account.”

Me: “I’m sorry but this is not possible, as I need to find an account, and then I need you to pass security.”

Customer: “If you don’t give me either my account back or all my stuff on a new account, I’m bringing you to court for theft. It’s theft, not giving me my stuff back!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but before contacting a solicitor or legal aid, I advise you to read the terms of use you agreed to; it states clearly to keep your details up to date at all times.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you. You’re f****** disgraceful! All I want is my account back.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center].” *then I say in the friendliest, most upbeat and cheerful voice I can* “Have a wonderful day!”

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The Woman From Auntie

, , , , , | Related | December 29, 2019

(I am holding my new nephew and talking to my sister — not the baby’s mother.)

Me: *cuddling baby* “Isn’t it nice to finally be an auntie?”

Sister: “I’ve been an auntie for five years.”

Me: “Who?”

Sister: “Your kids!”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I forgot you were their auntie.”

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Unfiltered Story #181169

, , | Unfiltered | December 29, 2019

So I work in a call centre for a large provider of TV, phones, internet and mobile phones. I have a customer call in who has an issue with all calls being made to his mobile phone going straight to voicemail. I am about the sixth person he has spoken to so far. The customer is not pleased about this, because he is a plumber and relies on the phone for business.

I go through the standard troubleshooting: Turn it off and on, all that. Nothing seems to work, so I suggest he tries the sim out in another phone so we can determine whether it’s a physical hardware problem with the phone.

Me: If it turns out that it is a hardware issue, then you can bring it in to one of our stores and they should be able to take it in to get it repaired.

Customer: Repaired?! So you just expect me to be without a phone?! You give me a faulty phone, and you won’t even replace it?! You’d expect at least a loaner if they’re going to take the phone to be repaired!

Me: I’m sorry, sir. It’s policy, we can’t really give out a loaner, and we’re obligated to try and fix the problem first.

Customer: That is not acceptable! Are [Company] going to reimburse me for the loss of business that’ll cause?!

Me: Um.. no sir, I’m sorry, but that isn’t something we can do..

Customer: Is your manager there?! Surely they can do something for me!

(Note: Our policy states that supervisors should only really be asked to take calls if they have the ability to do something to help that you don’t. Customers love this policy, so so much.)

Me: I’m sorry, a supervisor wouldn’t be able to take this call, as there’s nothing they can do to help further. They’d just tell you the same thing.

This goes back and forth for a while before the customer realises he’s not getting to talk to a supervisor.

Customer: Alright, fine,YOU aren’t going to help me and I’m not getting to speak to a supervisor, fine. I’ll just leave it, then!

At this point the customer hangs up after sounding close to throwing a tantrum. I chuckle and continue on with the day.

About two hours later I stand up to go check something for another customer and a coworker stops me.

Coworker: Hey, you know [Customer]? You were talking to him earlier about all his calls going to voicemail?

Me: Yeah..?

Coworker: I’ve just been talking to him, there and I fixed his problem!

Me: Really? What was it?

Coworker: Okay, so I noticed he had [Popular model of mobile phone], which is the same one I have, so I had a hunch. I asked him to go to this settings menu here and I asked him what colour this setting was showing up as.

Me: Okay..

Coworker: So he says it’s showing up as white. I tell him to change the setting so the button shows up as grey instead. Then I called him to make sure, and it worked!

Me: Wow, nice one! What was wrong with it, then?

Coworker: He had his phone set to ‘Do Not Disturb’.

We had a good laugh about it. Turns out the customer even asked my coworker to apologise to me on his behalf for losing his temper on the earlier call!

That’s A Big No-Noel From Me  

, , , , | Right | December 8, 2019

(I work for a call centre in Dublin and, after a long call, the customer and I are finished speaking.)

Me: “Would you like a reference number just in case you need to call back?”

Customer: “Yes, please.”

Me: “[Reference Number].”

Customer: “Can I get your name, as well?”

Me: “My name is Noel.”

Customer: “What do you mean, I cannot have your name? This is a disgrace!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I said my name is Noel.”

Customer: “I do not understand why you cannot give me your name!”

Me: “Sir, my name is Noel, as in Christmas. Noooooeeeeeeel.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you.”

(So much gets lost in conversations over the telephone.)

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