It’s Always In The Last Place You Look… And Were

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2020

(I work at a restaurant. It’s close to closing time and the inside bar is closing. There are still some customers outside on the terrace finishing their drinks. I’m cleaning tables when a woman approaches me.)

Customer: “I think someone took my handbag; can you check if someone handed one into the bar?”

Me: “No problem. I’ll be right back.”

(The bartenders inside say nothing has been handed in so I go back and tell this to the woman. I continue cleaning when she approaches me again five minutes later.)

Customer: *irritated* “Ahem. I found my handbag.”

Me: “That’s great!”

Customer: *still irritated* “It was exactly where I had left it, where I had been sitting earlier.”

Me: “Erm, good.”

Customer: “You didn’t look very hard, did you?”

Me: “Erm, you asked me to ask at the bar for it; I presumed you would have checked the last place you were sitting.”

(The woman stares at me smugly for about ten seconds before swinging her bag over her shoulder dramatically.)

Customer: “You should have looked harder!”

Me: *speechless*

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Some EXTRA Branding Awareness

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2020

(I am working in a large grocery store packing shelves when a customer approaches me with two different brands of toilet paper in his hands.)

Customer: “Do you see these two packs of toilet roll?”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Well, [Brand #1] costs 20p more than [Brand #2].”

Me: “I’m not sure of the exact prices, but I’ll take your word for it.”

Customer: “Here’s the thing. I was just over at the fruit and veg weighing scales and [Brand #2] weighs more than [Brand #1]. You get more for value for money if you buy [Brand #2]!”

(The customer is now clearly excited that he has somehow got one over on the evil corporation.)

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: *whispering* “Keep that to yourself; if the boys up above find out they’ll raise the price of [Brand #2] before you know it!”

Me: “Will do…”

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Well, You’ve Been A Real Ham…

, , , , | Right | February 10, 2020

(The place where I work has a canteen including a deli where you can get sandwiches made. I am queueing at the sandwich counter behind a guy who is relatively high-up in the organisation. He is in the middle of ordering a sandwich.)

High-Up Guy: “A slice of ham…”

(The chef opens a new packet of ham. There are about twenty slices and they are all identical looking.)

High-Up Guy: “Give me a lean one if you have one.”

(I start giggling at the sheer madness of this request. They all look exactly the same. The chef catches my eye and I can tell he is now trying not to laugh. My giggling becomes uncontrollable and I step out of line to recover. The chef is now openly smiling and the high-up guy looks really embarrassed as he finishes ordering. The high-up guy takes his sandwich and leaves, still looking really embarrassed. I step up to the counter.)

Me: “Oh, my God, did he expect you to look through them all?”

Chef: “Yes. Yes, he did.”

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To Be Fair, He’s Too Stupid To Steal Anything

, , , , | Right | January 30, 2020

(This is something I deal with on a regular basis.)

Customer: “I cannot remember my account name or password.”

Me: “Okay, I will see what we can do for you. Can I have the phone number on the account?”

Customer: “I don’t have it.”

Me: “Okay, can I have your address?”

Customer: “I’m not sure.”

Me: *every time!* “I’m sorry, but you have not provided enough information for me to find an account.”

Customer: “This is a f****** joke, mate. I’m paying for a service that I can’t get access to; this is illegal.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t help you if you have forgotten your details.”

Customer: “I want my account back now!

Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot find an account because you don’t have any details.”

Customer: “Fine! Well then, I will create a new account, but I want everything for my old account transferred to my new account.”

Me: “I’m sorry but this is not possible, as I need to find an account, and then I need you to pass security.”

Customer: “If you don’t give me either my account back or all my stuff on a new account, I’m bringing you to court for theft. It’s theft, not giving me my stuff back!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but before contacting a solicitor or legal aid, I advise you to read the terms of use you agreed to; it states clearly to keep your details up to date at all times.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you. You’re f****** disgraceful! All I want is my account back.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center].” *then I say in the friendliest, most upbeat and cheerful voice I can* “Have a wonderful day!”

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The Woman From Auntie

, , , , , | Related | December 29, 2019

(I am holding my new nephew and talking to my sister — not the baby’s mother.)

Me: *cuddling baby* “Isn’t it nice to finally be an auntie?”

Sister: “I’ve been an auntie for five years.”

Me: “Who?”

Sister: “Your kids!”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I forgot you were their auntie.”

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