It Doesn’t Take A Leap To Figure Out What Happened Here

, , , | Right | February 29, 2020

It is February 29th, and I am working the register. An older customer is paying by check, and has dated it March 1st.

Me:
“Excuse me, sir, you’ve dated this check incorrectly. Today’s date is February 29th.”

Customer:
“What the h*** are you on about? It’s March 1st!”

Me:
*Laughing* “Oh, I know, sir! But this is a leap year, so we get the extra day in February. I almost forgot myself!”

Customer:
“A leap what?! What the h*** are you on about!?”

Me:
“This year is a leap year, which means we have an extra day.”

Customer:
“Son, I am old enough to be your grandfather, and I ain’t ever heard of no stupid leap year! Is this one of those d*** millennial things? You lazy f***ers need an extra day to get your s*** done?!”

Me:
*Momentarily shocked* “Uh… no, sir. It’s just that the Earth rotates around the sun a tiny bit slower than 365 days, so every four years we need to tack on an extra day to correct it. It’s not a ‘millennial’ thing; it’s been happening for a couple of hundred years, I believe.”

The customer’s wife comes up, asking what the holdup is.

Customer:
“This d*** lazy kid and their generation made up some extra day because they couldn’t get their s*** together! In my day, we had a calendar and we stuck to it!”

Customer’s Wife:
“Honey, in your day, you were high on acid and you didn’t even know what day it was, you stupid hippie. Now pay the d*** man and get your stupid a** into the car.”

The customer’s wife shoots me a sympathetic look and then wanders off. The customer makes a show and dance about rewriting the check with the correct date and dramatically hands it over to me, mumbling.

Customer:
“D*** millennials, slowing down the Earth…”

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Having A Wind-Scream

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2020

I work at a large multinational windscreen replacement company. My job is to get their details, place of repair preference, and whether or not it was a crack.

Me:
“Good afternoon. You’re through to [Company]; how can I help?”

Customer:
“I need my windscreen replaced; it got smashed overnight.”

Me:
“Okay, sir, that’ll obviously have to be replaced. Where would you prefer that done — at home or at a repair centre?”

Customer:
“At home, today if you can.”

Me:
“Well, sir, I can’t guarantee any dates or times right now. What will happen is I will take your details and a colleague of mine will call you back within two hours. If I can take your car registration?”

Customer:
“Sure, it’s [registration number], and do you know how much it will cost?”

Me:
“Sorry, sir, I don’t. I am only here to take your details and pass them on to the relevant team.”

Customer:
“What? You can’t tell me how much it will cost? What’s the point of this call?!”

Me:
“Sir, the point of the initial call is to get the details we need so when my colleague calls you back, they don’t have to ask you the same questions again.”

Customer:
“When will they f****** ring me back?!”

Me:
“Sir, it will be within two hours.”

Customer:
“Two hours? No quote? And you expect to make money from this call?!”

Me:
“Within two hours, sir. It’s usually sooner than that.”

Customer:
“Can’t you put me through now?”

I glance at the backlog and there’s no way he’s going to get spoken to in a timely manner.

Me:
“Sorry, sir, we have quite a backlog right now. As I said, I can assure you we will call you back within two hours, but unfortunately, I can’t promise when within those two hours.

Customer:
“Well, f*** you, then. I’ll get a quote somewhere else!”

Me:
“Have a good day, sir.”

The customer hung up.

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Somewhere It’s Beer O’Clock, But Not Here…

, , , , , , , | Right | February 24, 2020

Where I am, the law states that stores can only sell beer and wine up until 11:00 pm, and the registers will refuse all sales at 11:00 on the dot — they won’t even scan at that point until 8:00 am — and at 9:00 we lock the door so people can only be buzzed in or out. One night, at 10:50, two guys come in, of age, asking about what beer is on sale.

Me:
“We have [lists brands], but you have less than nine minutes to get it to the register; otherwise, I can’t sell it to you.”

Customer #1:
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

The customer is clearly not listening. I go about my business tidying things up and doing my job. I see it’s now 10:55. They’re still looking at different beers, picking up the cases, looking at the prices, discussing, just taking their time, so I go into the beer fridge.

Me:
“Hey, guys, if you want beer, you have to grab it now and come to the register. At 11:00 exactly, the registers don’t allow any sale of alcohol; it’s out of my control.”

Customer #1:
“Yeah, yeah.”

Customer #2:
“Hey, man, we’re deciding; just give us a minute.”

As they say this, other customers come in for random snacks, soda, cigarettes, etc., and I vaguely forget why the original two customers are in. They finally decide on a case after another five minutes, and when they come to the register, there are three people ahead of them. I see this, and when finishing with the first customer I let them know:

Me:
“Hey, guys, I can’t sell you that. Please either put it back or put it down, and you can buy anything else, but both legally and literally, I cannot sell that to you until 8:00 am tomorrow.”

They don’t respond and just roll their eyes. They finally make it to the cash, and I’m hoping (incorrectly) that it’ll be easy.

Customer #1:
“Hey! So, just this, and two packs of cigarettes!”

Me:
“Two packs of cigarettes coming right up!” 
As I say this, I grab the case of beer, put it on the floor behind the register, and turn to grab what they asked for.

Customer #2:
“Hey, man, that’s not funny. Give us our beer.”

Me:
“I told you multiple times and was nice enough to warn you when you had five minutes. You’re well past the cut-off point of buying beer.”

Customer #1:
“You didn’t say s***, you f****** a**hole! You’re gonna give us our beer for free now for this or I’m going to jump over that counter and f****** kill you.”

I’m used to angry people by now, so the second he got belligerent I hit the silent alarm, and the police station is literally across the street, so within seconds I can see three officers walk out the front steps and cross the street, headed straight for our door.

Me:
“Our cameras record sound, too. And kudos to you if you can reach me before they reach you.”

I pointed to the officers moving very quickly towards us. It very quickly turned into the most bizarre cat-and-mouse game inside the store I’ve ever seen, with one of the idiots trying to run full speed, arms outstretched, into a pull door laughing, thinking he was making it home free.

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No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 15

, , , , , , | Right | February 22, 2020

(I work for a company that has only one sale a year, both in our stores and on our website. The sale is treated by many as a very big deal. I’ve been on the phone with a customer for almost half an hour as she complained that the website was slow — because so many people were on it — some items sold out before she could get them, and not everything she wanted was covered by the sale. Annoying, but at least true, until…)

Customer: “And another thing! Why does the sale start for the people on the West Coast before it does for people in Ontario?! That’s not fair! It should start at the same time for everyone!”

Me: “It does, ma’am.”

Customer: “It does not! I’m looking at your website and it says 6:00 am Pacific time, 9:00 am Eastern time! People in Toronto should get a chance to buy stuff at 6:00 am, too!”

Me: “Ma’am, 6:00 am Pacific time is 9:00 am Eastern time.”

Customer: “You’re trying to claim six is the same as nine? What do you think I am, stupid?!”

Me: “We’re in different time zones. If you’re in Toronto, it’s now five o’clock, right?”

Customer: “Of course, it is!”

Me: “Right, well, I’m in Vancouver and it’s 2:00 pm here right now.”

Customer: “I know that; I’m not an idiot! I don’t see what that has to do with why people in BC get to start on the sale earlier than the rest of us!”

Me: “But that’s what I’m trying to tell you. The sale only started at one time. It’s just that that time was 6:00 am for us, and 9:00 am for you, just like right now it’s 2:00 pm for us and 5:00 pm for you.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re lying to me like this! This is f****** ridiculous! I want to talk to your manager, right now!”

(I dutifully got her my supervisor, who spent the next fifteen minutes trying futilely to explain to a grown woman how time zones work. The customer finally hung up, still calling us liars.)

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 14
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 13
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 12

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The Will Power Of Attorneys (Not To Slap Stupid Clients)

, , , | Right | February 14, 2020

(I am a lawyer; I do a lot of wills and power of attorney executions. One day, I have a client who comes in to do a will and POA. She wants to know how much it will cost. I tell her that my hourly rate is $185 and, however long it takes, that’s how much I will charge for. Between meeting with her, responding to a bunch of emails from her, and actually preparing the will and POAs, I spend a little over two and a half hours. I decide to be nice and round that down to an even $450. She comes in and signs the will and pays her bill happily. The next day, I get a call from her. She is furious.)

Client: “I checked my watch; I only spent a total of fifteen minutes with you. You massively overcharged me! I shouldn’t have paid more than fifty bucks for this.”

Me: “[Client], do you think that a will just materializes the second you leave the office? It takes time to prepare documents. You don’t just get charged for the time you spend in my office — which, by the way, was more like an hour. I’m sorry the bill was more than you expected, but I was very clear with my pricing up front.”

Client: “But I only spent an hour on this!”

Me: “I know that, but you pay for my time, not yours.”

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