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His Espionage Skills Are Not That Vape

, , , , , | Right | July 24, 2023

I’m working in a convenience store. A bunch of teens come into the store, stare at the wall of vape sticks and flavor packs, and then head outside without buying anything. A guy pulls in and gets some gas, and they approach him. They talk for a moment, and then the guy comes in to pay for his gas.

Customer: “Also let me get one of those — what was it — cherry vape stick things.”

Me: “I can’t sell that to you, sir.”

Customer: “I’m over twenty-one!”

Me: “Sir, I have reason to believe you’re buying for those teenagers out there.”

Customer: “Well, duh! Do I look like I smoke—” *reads the label* “—Cherry Pop Surprise vape sticks?!”

Me: “Have a good night, sir.”

Rated M For “Mendacious”

, , , , , , , | Right | July 21, 2023

I work in customer service for an online video game that is rated Mature for violence and language. A caller is having an issue with their account, and I think I’ve found the issue.

Me: “Okay, it looks like when you signed up for the expansion, you put in the wrong date of birth for the security question.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, I remember now. I lied about my age when I first signed up. That’s why my date of birth doesn’t match.”

Me: “You do realize that lying about your age goes against our terms and conditions?”

Customer: “Well, I’m legal now!”

Me: “I’ll update the date of birth on your account, but I’ll also need to inform my manager and put a note on your account.”

Customer: “Do what you need to do. It’s not like my mom can put me in timeout at this point.”

Me: “Yes, but your account could be closed by us.”

Customer: “Ugh… couldn’t you just ground me instead and tell me to ‘think about what I’ve done’?”

The caller did have a point; we really didn’t have any block for under-eighteens other than entering the date of birth, which we had no way of verifying. But admitting you did that before so brazenly — that was a new one for me.

Poor Kid Really Thinks He’s Slick

, , , , , , | Working | July 20, 2023

Once upon a time, I had to visit a retail chain for industrial lubricant to loosen some bolts. For story purposes, we’ll call the stuff EF-39. I looked everywhere I thought it would be and could not find it for the life of me, so I tracked down an employee. He looked to be about eighteen. 

Me: “Hi. I’m trying to find your EF-39 and can’t seem to find it, but you must carry it. Can you point me in the right direction?”

The Sweet Summer Child pulls out an electronic scanner device.

Sweet Summer Child: “Sorry, what were you looking for?”

Me: “EF-39.”

Sweet Summer Child: *Starting to type* “Uh… how do you spell that?”

Me: *Pauses* “E… F… 3… 9?”

Sweet Summer Child: “And what is it?”

Me: “An industrial lubricant?”

Sweet Summer Child:Oh! I know where that is! Right this way!”

Pleased as punch, he starts walking me back toward the front of the store to where the home improvement stuff is. Then, he walks past that and past the office supplies toward the health section.

Me: *Purely internally* “Oh, this wee little thing…”

We stop in an aisle and the employee turns to me, still pleased as punch, having helped a customer find what he was looking for.

Sweet Summer Child: “Here you go! Is there anything else I can help you with?”

I look up at the wall of personal lubricants and contraceptives.

Me: “Nope, you’ve been an awesome help. I really appreciate it!”

Off he trotted, happy as could be, and far be it from me to take away that sense of accomplishment. For the record, the EF-39 was in the automotive section.

When The “Find My Phone” App Becomes The Most Frequently Used

, , , , , , , | Right | July 14, 2023

I’m working at a candy store that gives out free samples. The location of this store means that there are gaggles of teenagers and kids lurking about, and a lot of them get the free sample, maybe buy one single item, hang out for a couple of minutes to chat with their friends, and then leave.

One particularly busy Friday night (I think there was a movie release), the store is SWAMPED. I mean, you can barely move, even behind the counter, because of all the people in the store.

There is finally a break. I’m breathing normally for a moment when I glance down at the counter in front of me to see if it needs to be wiped down. I just served a group of preteen boys, and one of them has left his mobile phone on the counter.

Mind you, it is a black phone, about five inches long, on an almost pristine white counter. How do you forget a GIANT BLACK PHONE on a WIDE WHITE COUNTER? I tell my manager, and put it on the counter behind me. I wipe down the counter, and wait for the next wave of customers.

The boys don’t come back. It’s been about half an hour, and I’m concerned. We get another break in customers, and I glance at the phone. It’s ringing, and the caller ID says “Mom.” I tell my manager I’m going to answer it, and I walk out of the store for a second to do so.

I answer it, and I am met with the voice of a woman who is fed up with her child.

Woman: “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I’VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU FOR AN HOUR! YOU NEED TO PICK UP YOUR PHONE—”

Me: “Ma’am, ma’am! I’m so sorry, my name is [My Name]. I work at [Store]. Your son left his phone in our store.”

There is a moment where I swear I can hear the gears in her head turning.

Woman:Well! He’s going to lose his privileges over this one!”

Me: “Ma’am, he was with a group of other boys. Do you know any of them? Do you know their phone numbers?”

Woman: “He’s with his friends. No, I don’t know who they are, nor do I know their phone numbers. Wait! My daughter is there with her friends, too. I’ll let her know, and she’ll pick up the phone. Would that work?”

Me: “That’s just fine, ma’am. We’ll have the phone here waiting for her. What does she look like?”

Woman: “She has red hair; she looks just like him.”

Me: “…that’s fine. I’ll have the phone here.”

Woman: “Oh, thank you, thank you!”

We hang up, and I put the phone back on the counter. I’m wondering because of her tone if this isn’t the first time this has happened. I shrug and go back to the waves of teenagers.

About twenty minutes later, a teenage girl with reddish hair walks in with her friends. She’s smirking, and her friends are giggling.

Girl: “Hi! I’m here to pick up my brother’s phone?”

Me: “Oh, yes, you’re the sister. Here you go. Does this happen often?”

Girl: “Thanks. Yep, that’s the fourth time he’s left his phone somewhere.”

Me: “Oh, jeez. Well, there go his privileges?”

Girl: *Rolling her eyes* “Yeah, my parents always say that. He’ll be grounded for a week, and that’s about it. Thanks!”

And with that, they flounced out of the store. I hope the boy didn’t get into too much trouble, and hopefully, he learned his lesson!

Grab Some Popcorn, Because This Customer Takedown Is Good!

, , , , , , | Right | July 7, 2023

A bunch of teens are buying concessions.

Teen #1: *Politely.* “Excuse me, miss. What’s in your popcorn?”

Before I can answer the other teens verbally pounce on him.

Teen #2: “Oh my god, how can you be so dumb!”

Teen #3: “It’s corn, you idiot!”

Me: “Well, yes, corn.”

Teen #2: “Ha! Told you!”

Me: “And sunflower oil…”

Teen #2: “Wait, what?”

Me: “…butter…”

Teen #2: “Wait, stop.”

Me: “…salt…”

Teen #2: “Stop! It’s just corn!”

Me: “…yellow artificial colors number five, which is called Tartrazine according to this list…”

The original teen, vindicated, turns back to me.

Teen #1: *Politely.* “Thank you, I’m not allergic to any of those. A large bucket, please!”

Me: “Of course! I’ll upgrade you to the refill bucket on the house for being so polite!”

Teen #2: “Can I get one too?”

I charged that little f***er full price.