Happy Spanksgiving

, , , , , | Right | December 10, 2012

(I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog — who stays with my parents while I’m at college — falls out.)

Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

(The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

(The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord, girl, what will your parents think?!”

TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”


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You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me, Part 2

, , , | Right | October 3, 2012

(A young woman comes in to our vet with her fairly large house cat. The cat is upset, so the young woman takes him out of the box and begins cradling him like an infant. The cat seems much happier and starts purring so loudly I can hear him several feet away. When the vet calls her, she switches the cat to her hip like a baby and moves to carry him into the office. Suddenly, another customer yells out.)

Other Customer: “OH, MY GOD! I thought you had a baby! You can’t carry a cat like that!”

Young Woman: *looks at her still purring cat* “He doesn’t seem to mind.”

Other Customer: “But that’s how you’re supposed to hold babies! You can’t hold a cat how you’re supposed to hold a baby!”

Vet: “Ma’am, it really isn’t bad to hold him like that as long as it doesn’t upset him. And the cat is purring. He seems quite comfortable, so I don’t see a problem with it.”

Other Customer: *to everyone else in the lobby* “Someone back me up here. She can’t hold her cat like that!”

Me: “Why, because you don’t like it?”

Cat: “Meow?”


This story is part of our Take Your Cat To The Vet roundup!

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Talk To The Click

, , , | Right | July 6, 2008

(Having moved, I got a new phone number which previously belonged to a retail store in Clermont-Ferrand. I had already had a few calls for that store, so I knew the drill.)

Woman: “Hello, is this [Store]? I would like to know until when you are open.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you dialed a wrong number. [Store] doesn’t have this number anymore. I’m pretty sure they closed.”

Woman: “That’s not my problem! You didn’t answer my question. When do they close?”

Me: “No, seriously, you’re calling me at home here. I’m sure that if you look in the yellow pa–”

Woman: “Now look here, young man! I don’t have all day. Do you live in Clermont-Ferrand?”

Me: “Well, actually I do, but–”

Woman: “THEN TELL ME WHEN [STORE] CLOSES! GO LOOK IT UP OR SOMETHING!”

Me: “Seriously?”

Woman: *calmly* “Yes.”

Me: “I’m hanging up now.”

Woman: “WHAT? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO–”

Me: *click*

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Urine Way Over Your Head

, , , | Right | April 8, 2008

(I was in the ladies’ room during a shift, wearing a skirt. This is key.)

Woman: *in stall next to mine* “You’re not wearing any pants!”

(I ignore her, thinking she’s on the phone.)

Woman: *starts banging on the wall between us* “You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “…I’m…sorry?”

Woman: “You! You’re not wearing any pants!” *bangs some more*

Me: “And you know this how?”

Woman: “I can see your legs! They’re bare! You’re not wearing any pants!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m wearing a skirt.”

(The woman stops banging on the wall, and is completely silent. I never got to know what she thought of a woman wearing a skirt.)

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Of All The Times To Dial A Wrong Number

, , , | Friendly | March 9, 2008

(I am answering the phone at home and this guy calls us instead of the number he means to.)

Me: “Hello?”

Guy: “Hey, baby.”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “I’ve got the stuff for tonight; are you ready for it?”

Me: “Um, WHAT?”

Guy: “You know what, babe…”

Me: “I think you have the wrong number…”

Guy: “Oh, good lord, I’m sorry! BYE!” *click*

(My mother and I laughed about that one for a good five minutes.)

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