Cat People (Putting Out Crazy Customers)

, , , , , | Right | February 14, 2020

(This occurs shortly after David Bowie’s passing. We are playing his music over the speakers. A woman comes in and heads straight for the checkout.)

Me: “Hello! How can I help you?” 

Customer: “Turn that music off.”

Me: “Oh, is it not to your liking?” 

Customer: “It upsets the cats.”

Me: *looking around* “Cats? We only allow guide dogs in the store. You’ll have to leave if you have cats with you.”

Customer: “They’re at home.”

Me: “They aren’t with you?” 

Customer: “No.” 

Me: “How can they hear the music if they aren’t here, then?”

Customer: *narrows her eyes* “If my cats are upset when I get home, I’m complaining!”

(With that, she left. An hour before closing we did get a call from her. The manager listened to her for half a minute before bursting out laughing saying he hadn’t heard that one before, and he hung up. We haven’t heard anything from her or her cats since.)

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Unfiltered Story #162448

, , , | Unfiltered | December 2, 2019

(I am selling a customer a podcast microphone, and I suggest it needs a pop shield.)

Customer: “What’s that for?”

Me: “It blocks out plosive sounds.”

Customer: “There won’t be any explosions, it’s an interview.”

Me: “No, ‘PIH’s and ‘BIH’s. PLOSIVE, is the word.”

Customer: “I think you mean ‘expletive.’”

(At this point I’d begun to wonder if I’d made up the word, plus it was a minute to closing, so I let it hang as we both looked bemused. Of course, now this guy’s off to do his interview, thinking I just tried to sell him some gizmo that stops him recording swear words and explosions. Also, I can’t pronounce ‘expletive’. DUHR…)

Unfiltered Story #177754

, , , | Unfiltered | November 21, 2019

(I’m the person who submitted Having a Whine About the Wine, and for some reason I keep ending up with the mad stories at work. After a customer took a prepacked bag of cod fillets, I began clearing up for the night. Around half an hour later, a co-worker came up to the counter.)
Co-worker: Am I okay to put this back?
Me: *feeling the bag to check the fish is still cold* Yeah, you’re good. Stick it in that counter.
Co-worker: *putting the bag in the mobile counter* The customer decided she didn’t want it at the checkout.
Me: Oh. Well, that’s okay.
Co-worker: *heading back to the tills* She remembered she didn’t like fish!
(I was gaping and mouthing “how the hell can you forget that you don’t like fish?!” for at least fifteen minutes – before I realised I had actually served her: she’d taken two pieces of salmon as well!)

Doesn’t Know What The Flux He’s Talking About

, , , , , , , , | Working | October 23, 2019

(I work in a well-known UK car retailer store. During my first week, the duty manager is on with me and two other new starts. We decide to play a prank on one of the guys. The manager hides in the back room and phones the store asking for information on a “flux capacitor” — a fake car part made famous by the “Back to the Future” movies. We expect our coworker to catch on, but he thinks it is a genuine car part. Instead of asking for help with something he knows nothing about, he proceeds to bulls*** the “customer” with a story of how we don’t have one, but another store does, and quotes them the price of £39.99. Well, this is interesting! We have literally caught the guy in a lie, and so our innocent prank grows arms and legs! Instead of coming clean, we decide to have a bit more fun with him. The duty manager has a conversation that goes something like this:)

Duty Manager: “Did you speak to someone about a Flux Capacitor?”

Coworker: “Yes, I told them [Other Store] had one.”

Duty Manager: “[Other Store] is on the phone saying they don’t have one but we do, so they’re having to send the customer back to us! Also, he’s saying something about being quoted £39.99?”

Coworker: “Yeah? That’s what I told him.”

Duty Manager: “They’re £400! What were you thinking? We’ve got to give him the lower price now and we could have got a bonus with that £400 sale!”

(He is horrified that he has made such a “mistake,” and what is even funnier is that he can’t admit he just made up the prices and stock levels or he’ll be in deep trouble. We let him stew for a while, as he is clearly upset and worried about this irate “customer” who might appear. We do plan to come clean that night, but during that same shift, we have a completely unrelated incident — it kind of turns into the shift from Hell, actually — which results in us having to call the police. After close, we are all giving statements and while my coworker is giving his, his mum turns up. I explain that we have had a minor incident tonight and her son is just finishing up with the police.)

Coworker’s Mum: “Oh, is that the problem with the flux capacitor?”

(I assured her it wasn’t while trying not to laugh in her face! We had no idea he had been so upset by his behaviour that he had called his mum! After telling the manager about it, we agreed that we were all in too deep to come clean about the prank now. Unsurprisingly, our little coworker did not last much longer in the job and he left none the wiser about the truth of the flux capacitor! Hopefully, he at least learned never to lie to customers again. The manager and I always had a good chuckle over the story for the six years I worked there.)

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A Very Last Shift In Behavior

, , , , , , , , | Right | October 18, 2019

(It’s not long before the end of my very last call centre shift and my tolerance for stupidity is at an all-time low.)

Me: “Hello, you’re through to [Bank], [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Caller: “Reset my online password. Your stupid system blocked it.”

Me: “Can I take your account number, please?”

Caller: “I don’t have it.”

Me: “Okay, is this for a credit or a debit account?”

Caller: “Credit.”

Me: “Perfect. And is it a personal or business account?”

Caller: *tutting* “Personal.”

Me: “Let me just bring up the credit card system. Can I take your name and the first line of your address so I can search for you?”

Caller: “It’s [Caller] and [address].”

Me: “Nothing is coming back with those details. Let me just search the business credit card system.”

Caller: “It’s not a business card. Jesus.” *to person in background* “How hard is it to listen to what I’m saying?”

Me: “All right. Well, there’s nothing with your details coming up on the credit card system. Is it definitely a credit card?”

Caller: “No! Jesus Christ. It’s a debit card. Why is this taking so long?” *to person in background* “She isn’t listening to anything I say.”

Me: “All right, I’ll search the debit card system. Again, nothing is coming up on that system. Are you definitely a [Bank] customer?”

Caller: “This is ridiculous. Yes, I am a customer.”

Me: “Okay. By any chance is it a business account?” *even though she already said it isn’t*

Caller: “Yes! Are you stupid? I told you already that it is!” *to person in the background* “This idiot is the stupidest person I’ve ever spoken to.”

Me: *starting to see red* “What’s the business name?”

Caller: “[Business].”

Me: “Nothing is coming up under that name, either. Please double-check and give me the right business name.”

Caller: “F***’s sake. It’s [Other Name].” 

Me: “Okay, I finally have your account. Can I take your security number to verify you?”

Caller: “It’s [number].”

Me: “Nope, that’s not right. Try again.”

Caller: “Try [number].”

Me: “That’s not correct, either, so now I need to ask you some security questions. Can I get [details]?

Caller: “Is this call ever going to f****** end? It’s [details].

(By now I am completely confused and I’ve forgotten that she wants to reset a password. It’s almost 11:00 pm and at this time of night, 99% of calls are for lost cards, so I automatically assume that’s what the call is for.)

Me: “Those details were actually correct, so I can cancel your lost card now.”

Caller: “WHY THE F*** ARE YOU CANCELLING MY CARD?! Jesus, are you completely stupid? I want to reset my password. Is that too difficult for your dumb brain to comprehend?”

Me: “I’m sorry. There has been so much back and forth while I try to find your account that I forgot the call reason.”

Caller: “That’s not good enough. You’re a stupid f****** idiot who hasn’t listened to anything I’ve said. You’re a moron.”

Me: *finally reaching my limit* “DO NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! I am not stupid and I have listened to everything you’ve said. You said it was a credit card when it was a debit card. You said it was a personal account when it was a business account. You said the business name was [Business] when it’s actually [Other Name]. You rang the bank without any account details or account information. And finally, you’re the one who doesn’t know their verification details. I’ve spent nearly fifteen minutes trying to find your account when this entire call should have only taken two or three minutes, all because you’re too stupid to know a single thing about your account.”

Caller: “Well, I, uh, just…”.

Me: “I’ve reset your online password now, and since you’re soooooo smart, I’m sure you’ll figure out how to create a new one yourself. Goodbye.”

(I then hung up on her. The password reset process is extremely difficult without help, but my shift was over so I never found out if she had to call back.)

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