(It’s a normal Sunday at [Fast Food Restaurant], which is always the busiest day of the week. It’s also Memorial Day Weekend, which makes our lobby packed. I’m working as the cashier while my manager packs for me. A very cross lady forces her way to the front.)

Customer: *almost shouting* “Where is my fork?! How can I eat without my fork?!”

Manager: “Ma’am, it’s in your bag with the other food.”

(The customer nods and leaves without another word. A few hours pass by and the rush has died down. I head to the lobby and start wiping tables, stocking, cleaning, etc., when the customer from earlier comes back. I have everything stocked and over half of the tables cleaned. I take her order and hand over her food. A few seconds pass by when she yells:)

Customer: “You’re out of forks!”

Me: *stopping and looking at her confused* “Ma’am, the forks are right under the salt packets.”

(She looks and takes one to put on her tray. She looks again and yells:)

Customer: “You’re out of lids.”

(While printing something for my manager on my register, I say without looking:)

Me: “Ma’am, please turn 90 degrees to your left.”

(She does and puts a lid on her drink cup. She walks around to the area I just cleaned and once again yells:)

Customer: “There are no clean tables!”

(I head-desk and my manager walks over.)

Manager: *holding back laughter* “You want a break?”

(I nod and clock out. I walk over just in time to be hit by a full drink.)

Customer: “You should have clean tables!”

(She yells this while being chased out by the manager-in-charge, who comes back a few minutes later:)

Manager-In-Charge: “What the h*** was that about?”

(A regular yells out jokingly:)

Regular: “You’re out of napkins!”

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(My stepfather’s family gets together for an early Christmas party. After lunch, there’s a gift exchange in which people choose a gift from under the tree at random, and then can trade or steal gifts. These are just a few of the items people unwrapped, with their reactions:)

Older Woman: “Okay, I got… Old Spice.”

Man Next To Her: “Ooh, it says ‘Swagger!’”

My Brother: “Looks like… a four-person tent!”

Me: “Awesome, but maybe you can get someone who’s not deathly allergic to bees to steal it?”

Mom: *to young man* “Hey, steal that Old Spice!”

Man: “Nah, I’ll unwrap this one… It’s a foot bath.” *he isn’t impressed*

Mom: “I told you to steal the Old Spice.”

Young Woman: “Okay, I got… ammo.”

(Most people at the table “ooh” and “ahh.”)

Young Woman: “Wait, I can’t take this home! [Husband] is on probation! Hey, [Next Person], can you steal this?”

Next Person: “Sorry, my husband’s not allowed to own a gun, either.”

(As my mom said, a gift exchange isn’t about getting something you want; you just show up for the funny stories.)

(I work as a tutor for local college students. I have one student whose mother is way too involved in his schoolwork. She claims she wants to learn the material herself so she can drill him on it at home, but she does a really bad job of hiding the fact that she’s actually doing a lot of it for him.)

Mother: “Today, I want to go over these practice problems that I couldn’t understand when I was trying to help him study, and then we have an assignment to work on.”

(We go over the practice problems. By “we,” I mean the mother and I — the son is eating lunch.)

Mother: “I think we’re ready to start working on the assignment. [Son], is there anything you want to go over with [My Name] first?”

Son: *silence*

Mother: “All right, let’s pull it up. [My Name], don’t help us at first; we want to try it on our own.”

(I work on other things while they do the assignment, but I still hear a lot of their conversation, and while the son knows several of the multiple-choice answers, the mother does all the math.)

Mother: “Okay, [My Name]. Do you want to take a look at this?”

Me: “Looks like most of these are right, but you should take another look at these two. Can you show me how you got those answers?”

(We go over the two questions, and with some prompting, the mother realizes where she went wrong and corrects her answers. After they’ve turned in the assignment…)

Mother: “Lord, forgive me for cheating. At least I tried to do it all myself.”

(So, doing her son’s work for him wouldn’t be cheating, if only they hadn’t asked me to look over it before turning it in?)

(I work in a small call center that provides information to tourists. It is a very quiet day when my coworker gets this call. I only hear her end of it.)

Coworker: “Yes, I would recommend [Restaurant]… The name is H-A-N-K… No, N-K. K as in– No, H-A-N-K-apostrophe-S.”

(Pause…)

Coworker: “I would also recommend Cotton. C-O-T-T-O-N. No, C-O-T-T-O-N. N as in Nancy. Yes, C-O-T– No, T as in Thomas. No, T-O-N as in Nancy. Yes. Yes, is there anything else I can do for you?”

(Pause…)

Coworker: “I would suggest that you take advantage of our free shuttle system. Yes, free. F-R-E-E. Yes. Yes, it is free. Yes.”

(This goes on for several more minutes, with the visitor repeatedly asking her to spell the names of places multiple times. Finally, the call ends.)

Coworker: “She sounded like she was high! H-I-G-H!”

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(I get about a $3,000 bill from a doctor I had seen several months prior. I am confused because I know my insurance had paid it. I call the billing dept. but get no answer and leave a message. I forget about it until the next month when the bill comes again. Once again, I call, leave a message, and forget about it. Then I get a letter threatening to send me to a collection agency. I call my insurance company to double check. They tell me that not only have they paid it, but had a duplicate charge under a different account number that was of course denied. I start calling every other day. The office phones aren’t open until 10 am and they shut them down at 3:30 pm. I either get a recording and leave a message or the receptionist tells me everyone is in a meeting. This goes on for over three weeks. Then I get another threatening letter. I even go to the office in person but am told everyone is in a meeting and no one can talk to me. At this point I have had it. I wait until 10 pm at night. I call and get the voicemail system. When it says press “1” for nurse, I do so and leave a detailed, angry message that NO ONE will return my calls, I am being threatened with being sent to a collection agency for a bill that was paid, and someone better call me back or I am filing fraud charges with the insurance company and talking to a lawyer. I hang up and call back and do it again after pressing a number for a different department. I go through the entire employee directory. I do this for almost two hours and leave dozens of messages on EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE’S voicemail. I then call the doctor’s emergency after-hours line and leave the same message there. The next morning, at 10:01, I call the office. The receptionist recognizes my voice.)

Receptionist: “Yes, ma’am, I have the office manager here for you” *transfers me*

Manager: “Good morning, Mrs. [My Name]. I was just about to call you.”

Me: “Yeah, I bet you were.”

Manager: *sheepishly* “Yeah, everyone is talking about the messages you left, especially the doctor.”

Me: “Well, it’s not like you left me much choice.”

(She apologizes and explains. The guy who was handling the bills was creating fake patient accounts and double billing the insurance companies. Most didn’t catch it, paid the doctor, and then the guy stole the money. They fired him but have such a paperwork mess to clean up and had to gather the evidence to convict him that they didn’t have time to call the patients.)

Me: “I understand, but that is no excuse. You are sending me letters threatening to send me to a collection agency.”

Manager: “What?! Crap, the computers are printing those out automatically. We didn’t know any had been mailed out.”

Me: “Yeah, well they are and you better start answering these calls because you have some very peeved off patients who, like me, are calling lawyers.”

(She apologized again and told me that my account had been cleared up. I wonder, though, about all the others who just kept calling and getting nowhere.)