For The Love Of Pod!

, , , , | Romantic | December 5, 2017

Me: “You folded and put away my laundry? Who are you and what have you done with my real girlfriend!?”

Girlfriend: *starts to cough because she has the flu on top of hay-fever*

Me: “No wonder you’re sick! You’re not my real girlfriend at all! YOU’RE A DECOMPOSING POD PERSON!”

Girlfriend: “So… Want to have sex with a decomposing pod person?”

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Either Way The Cat Is Pissed

, , , , , | Friendly | December 4, 2017

(I spend a weekend with a friend who is in grad school studying physics. He explains to me the idea of Schrodinger’s Cat and how it relates to what’s called the Double-Slit Experiment. While I find later that what he told me about the cat is actually a common misunderstanding of the illustration — in that he says the cat is literally dead or alive until it’s observed as either; not actually the case — my mind is nonetheless blown by what he explains to me. I make it home, and a couple weeks later I go on a camping trip with a bunch of guys. We sit around the fire that night, bringing up interesting things to discuss, and I remember Schrodinger’s Cat. Humorous ignorance ensues.)

Me: “So, if you were to put a cat in a box, and… Oh, gosh, how did it go? You put poison in the box and the cat maybe eats it or doesn’t? Anyway, there’s somehow a 50% chance the cat dies, but it’s in the box, and you can’t see if it happened or not. The cat is both alive and dead at the same time until you check the box.”

Friend #1: “What? That’s bull-s***.”

Me: “No, it’s physically proven! It has to do with this experiment with… electrons or something going through slits, and how they appear on a screen.”

Friend #1: “You can’t see electrons!”

Me: “No, I know, but it’s projecting onto the screen somehow.”

Friend #2: “So, if you kill a cat and put it in a box, then—”

Me: “—no, no, no. The cat’s alive when you put it in the box with the poison—”

Friend #3: “How are you supposed to keep the cat from eating the poison?”

Me: “You aren’t. There’s a 50% chance that it will.”

Friend #3: “I don’t see how that’s possible. You can’t control a cat like that.”

Me: “It’s something I’m sure I’m forgetting. I know the 50% chance of killing the cat is part of it. I think you have to assume that.”

Friend #4: “Okay, I’ve not been paying attention, but now I’m intrigued. Why does [My Name] want to poison cats?”

Me: “I’m not advocating poisoning cats!”

Friend #1: “No, it’s not about poisoning cats. I guess you shoot electrons through a poison cat and—”

Friend #2: “—see, I thought he said if you can make it a 50% chance to poison a cat but don’t watch, you get two cats, but one is dead.”

Me: “Are you guys actually being serious right now?”

(They were.)

Friend #1: “Don’t get mad at us. You’re the one talking about poisoning cats with electrons.”

(I gave up and then someone brought up football or action movies or cage fighting and we talked about that for hours, instead.)

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No One Knows What’s In Store

, , , , , | Working | December 4, 2017

(I’m the dumb employee in this story. I work at a craft supply store, but I used to work at a home improvement store. It was only a matter of time until something like this happened.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Thank you for calling [Home Improvement Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Wait, this is [Home Improvement Store]? I thought I was calling [Craft Store]!”

Me: “Oh, God. Yes. It is. You are. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “You used to work at [Home Improvement Store], didn’t you?”

Me: “What told you?”

(The customer asks whether we carry a specific item. I tell him we do, and that is that… until about half an hour later, when a man walks in with a big grin on his face and spots me at the front end.)

Customer: “IS THIS [HOME IMPROVEMENT STORE]?”

(It was the same guy! I’m pretty sure I turned bright red, but I also laughed.)

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You Get What You Want In The End

, , , , , | Related | December 3, 2017

(My brother comes out as a transwoman. Our dad starts laughing, to our horror, and we are at a loss for words. Then he smiles at me.)

Dad: “I guess you do get your little sister, after all.”

(It took a while for us to realize and remember that when I was little, I made a huge fuss because I wanted a sister, not a brother.)

 

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Roll Twenty On Irony

, , , , | Friendly | December 2, 2017

(We are playing a board game where your characters can be inflicted with mental and physical illnesses, which causes them to have penalties during gameplay.)

Friend #1: “[Friend #2], you can’t do that; you have penalties!”

Friend #2: “Oh! That’s right! I forgot I had amnesia!”

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