(I am a cashier at a small, gourmet grocery store. Two men approach my register, each with a drink they wish to purchase. They place both drinks on the register counter and move towards the card reader.)

Me: “Are you two together?”

Man #1: “Oh, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that.”

Man #2: “No, we’re just friends! Just friends!“

Me: “Sorry, I meant, ‘Will the drinks be paid for in one transaction?'”

Man #1: “Oh, yes.”

Front End Manager: *muttering two registers behind me* “Thou protesteth too much.”

(My husband is not one to care about buying clothes, so that usually falls to me. He also has a birthday coming up.)

Me: “I noticed [Online Store] is having a significant sale on the underwear I prefer, so I think I’m going to stock up. Do you want me to order anything for you?”

Husband: “No, I don’t want anything.”

Me: “Okay, but just to be sure: I know that if any package is delivered this close to your birthday you are going to get excited, so I didn’t want you to be disappointed if there is nothing in it for you.”

Husband: *pauses, then, sheepishly* “Um, maybe I need some socks.”

(He got more for his birthday than just socks, but he also got some socks.)

(In acting class, our teacher is talking about character and monologues. She gives an example of Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz.”)

Teacher: “There’s many things you need to know about a character when you perform him or her onstage, whether it’s their age, character traits, location, or backstory.”

(After three minutes of discussion, she comes up with this:)

Teacher: “There’s some things that you don’t really need to know about your character unless it’s explicitly stated, like religion for example. I don’t care if Dorothy likes or hates the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”

(We are at my aunt’s house and there has been a blackout. My aunt turns on a battery-powered light in the kitchen, and my sister and cousin start making shadow puppets with it.)

Sister: *holds up two fingers in front of the light* “Look, a bunny!”

Cousin: *holds up her whole hand in front of the light* “Look, a turkey!”

Aunt: *picks up her coffee pot and holds it in the light* “Look, a coffee pot!”

(I’m reading a list of patron saints on the Internet, and chatting about it over text with my mom. A little while before this, I’d mentioned the fact that out of four patron saints of pregnancy, three are male.)

Me: “THERE’S A PATRON SAINT OF LUMBERJACKS! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!”

Mom: “YAY!”

Me: “HE EVEN HAS A FLUFFY BEARD!”

Mom: “OF COURSE HE DOES; HOW COULD HE NOT?”

Mom: “Actually, after the pregnancy-saint talk, I want the patron saint of lumberjacks to be a super-dainty gay man.”

Me: “Actually, yes, please. That’s the only thing that would be better than this.”