(It’s December, and I’m hanging out with my grandma.)
Grammy: *unwraps Santa-shaped chocolate*
Me: “Nooo, don’t eat Santa!”
Grammy: “Say goodbye to Santa.” *waves*
Me: *waves* “Bye, Santa!”
Grammy: *to Santa* “I’ll eat your feet first to give you a few minutes of grace.”
Me: “No, don’t prolong his suffering!”
(I teach English in Japan. Near Halloween, we have special lessons teaching kids about the culture and words connected to Halloween. For this particular class, we have an assignment to draw a monster and write a paragraph to describe it, following a particular format. This student has a friendly rivalry with her brother.)
Sister: “This is my monster, Beroberobero [Brother] Zombie. He isn’t a candy. He is a zombie. He can everything lick. He can’t kill people.”
Brother: *in Japanese* “I can’t kill people? Being a zombie is no fun if you can’t kill people!”
Sister: “But you can lick things!”
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(My wife and I are chatting with a friend of ours in the living room. We’re all on the couch, talking about my wife’s recent phone upgrade.)
Wife: “When [My Name] calls, it’s this really cutesy ringtone I found about gumdrops and stuff.”
Friend: “Romantic. What about when you call her?”
Wife: *calls me*
My Phone: *long, loud Wookie yell*
([Friend] bursts out laughing. My wife lays her head on my shoulder.)
Wife: “Yup, so romantic. That’s us!”
Me: “Also, when you text my phone goes—” *plays burp tone*
Wife: “Just so romantic!”
(Our friend says we’re made for each other. We agree!)
(My cousin who’s working in China calls me.)
Cousin: “Hey, cuz, my debit card doesn’t work in China. Could you please buy me a ticket to fly back from Hong Kong to Singapore and I’ll pay you back later?”
Me: “Sure, just give me your passport number.”
(Since everybody calls him by his English name, I buy a ticket for Jon [Surname] without thinking about it. On the day of his flight, I get a frantic call from the Hong Kong airport.)
Cousin: “I’m having a problem checking in. My ticket says Jon [Surname].”
Me: “So?”
Cousin: “My passport says [Surname] [Chinese name].”
Me: “Dude, how was I supposed to know Jon isn’t your legal name? I didn’t even know your Chinese name!”
(Fortunately, he managed to convince the airline staff that he was the same person, and at least the passport number matched.)
(I am in labor at the hospital. My midwife comes in to check how it is going and to feel the baby’s position for delivery. After feeling my belly she says:)
Midwife: “I cannot find the baby.”
Me: “Well, I am pretty sure that he didn’t come out yet, so he must be somewhere inside.”
