Shortly after I move to Newcastle, a taxi driver and I have a chat about what he tells me is a historical problem with poor education in the town. He says that he personally knows a lot of guys from his school who left practically unable to read and write — he is probably in his mid-fifties. We agree that this is awful and talk about how there are lots of supports nowadays for adult learners.

That weekend, I am queuing to go into a pub when I see a sign saying the “Newcastle Reading Championship” is on in the pub that night. I think how it’s great that there is a celebration of adult learners, but I do think it’s kind of strange they are doing it in a pub.

When I get into the bar, I see a crowd of football supporters watching Newcastle playing Reading in a Championship game.

(It’s my dad’s birthday. He’s opening a present from me, and reads the card first.)

Dad: *reading from card* “’Congrats on being the same age as Will Smith.’” *pause* “Aren’t I always the same age as Will Smith?”

(An employee and I work at a truck rental location, and every so often customers come in asking for the wrong size truck. On this day the employee chooses to give the customer what they asked for.)

Customer: *walks up to counter where employee is standing* “I’d like to rent one of your 15-inch trucks.”

Employee: *with a puzzled look on his face* “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “What aren’t you understanding? I want to rent a 15-inch truck!”

Employee: *looks over at me before reaching for the toy truck on the sale rack behind us* “Okay, sir. That is one 15-inch truck. That’ll be $10.55. Would you like to pay cash or card?

Customer: *visibly frustrated while others in the lobby giggle a little* “You think you’re funny, boy? That not what I said!”

Employee: “Yes, sir, it was. You asked for a 15-inch truck. If you are looking to rent a 15-foot truck, I’d be more than happy to help you with that, as well.”

Customer: *looks confused, then finally puts it together*

(The next day the manager called stating the employee had a complaint against him. The manager laughed and asked if the customer got the truck. The employee stated he got them both.)

(My father is totally blind. This story takes place back when many women still wear real furs. My mother’s winter coat has worn out, and she and my father are in a department store shopping for a new one. As my mother is browsing, my father grows bored and starts feeling the various coats around around him. He comes upon a fur coat that is thick and plush, and believes it to be on a mannequin.)

Father: “Hey, [Mom]. Come look at the coat on this dummy!”

(My mother turns around and is horrified to see my father running his hands all over an extremely angry, elderly woman in an expensive fur.)

Other Customer: “EXCUSE ME?!”

Mother: “We’re so sorry, ma’am!” *drags my father away, who is doubled over laughing*

(I’m still don’t know if he legitimately thought it was a mannequin as he claims, or he just wanted an excuse to leave!)

(I’m ordering food from a popular fast food chain. I see an advertisement outside about their new chicken sandwich. Inside, there’s only one other customer, and the cashier.)

Me: *to the cashier* “Sorry, do you happen to have the nutritional info on the new [Sandwich]?”

Cashier: “I don’t know for certain, but it might be on the board over there.”

(She gestures to the board on the wall showing nutrition facts for most of their items. I check the board and it’s not there. This makes sense, as it’s a new item.)

Me: “Nah, it’s not there. I’m sorry; I’m just bad at making decisions.”

(A customer who has been standing to the side chimes in.)

Customer: “Ah, c’mon, man! You can be good to yourself tomorrow; just get the thing, already!”

Me: “I’ve been good to myself today. This is my only meal!”

Cashier: “Exactly! You can worry about nutrients later!”

Customer: “Yeah, dude, you deserve this! It’s the holiday season, after all!”

Me: “All right, fine. I’ll get the [Sandwich] with fries and a diet [Soda].”

Customer: “See, there you go! A diet soda cancels out all the calories!”

Me: “Yeah, but haven’t you heard? Aspartame cancer, apparently.”

Cashier: “Cancer can wait. Besides, we’ll have a cure by the time you’re old!”

(We all shared a laugh. This exchange guaranteed I’ll be going back!)