By The Seat Of One’s Rants!
I am getting food at a traditional local food court that some people call a hawker centre. You grab food from one of a bunch of affordable food stalls and grab a table after to quickly eat your meal and move on with your day.
I have collected my bowl of noodles and look for a spare seat where I can eat. I spot an empty corner seat next to two women and sit down.
Woman #1: *In an American accent* “Excuse me. We’re sitting here!”
Me: “Oh, sorry! Are you saving this seat for someone?”
Woman #2: *Also in an American accent* “Uh… no! But we’re sitting here!”
Me: “But you’re not sitting in this seat, because I am sitting in it. If you’re not saving it for someone else, I’ll eat here, thanks.”
Woman #1: “Don’t you understand English? We’re sitting here!”
Two American women shouting about my English comprehension in an Asian country rubs me the wrong way.
Me: “No, you’re sitting in the seats you’re currently occupying. I am sitting in the seat I am currently occupying. It sounds like it’s you who doesn’t understand English.”
Woman #2: “This is our table!”
Me: “Wrong again; tables are shared. There are six seats at this table. You can’t claim it all just for you two. Now, be quiet and let me eat my food in peace.”
The two women glare at me, and one of them suddenly pushes my noodles off the table! The plate is plastic so doesn’t break, but it makes a loud noise as it hits the floor.
Me: “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!”
The raised voices have attracted the attention of a security guard, as well as many onlookers. The security guard can’t speak English too well, so he barks at the women in Cantonese.
Security Guard: *In Cantonese* “I saw that! You stay right there!”
Woman #2: “What are you shouting at us for?! He’s the one that took our table!”
Another guard is standing at the far end of the seating area, and I see him speaking into his radio. I know they’re calling the police.
Me: “Ladies, these guards are calling the police. Apologise to me and pay for the replacement for my meal, and I will tell them this was a simple misunderstanding. If not, I will be instructing them to arrest you.”
Woman #1: “We’re not scared of you or the police! You’re just a man who tried to attack two women!”
Me: “That might work where you come from, but you have about half of Mong Kok here as witnesses who saw what you did and understand how hawker centre etiquette works. This won’t go the way you think it will.”
They just stared at me smugly until the police arrived. Those smug smiles didn’t last very long when they realised that they were being “escorted” to the nearest police station and their passports were being collected for identification purposes.
I was asked to provide a statement, and I left no detail out. The vendor didn’t charge me for my replacement noodles and even gave me extra beef for giving him a good show!