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Have Some Class; Use A Shot Glass

, , , , , | Related | February 21, 2022

Brother: “Hey, have you ever had maple syrup straight from the bottle?”

Me: “No. Why?”

Brother: “It’s liquid heaven. I sneak a gulp from the fridge every single night.”

Me: “Does that mean we’ll all be eating your spit the next time we have maple syrup for breakfast?”

Brother: “Erm, no.”

Me: “How come?”

Brother: “You see, it’s a year past the expiry date. I’m seeing how long it takes Mom to remember it exists and chuck it out.”

Your Number One Is Not Their Number One Priority

, , , | Working | June 25, 2019

(I’m in my office, taking a toilet break. I’m just sitting there, doing my business, when I hear the janitor come in. It’s a small washroom with only two stalls, so it’s not long before she reaches mine. She pushes on the door and sees it’s in use, so I assume that’s it. Less than twenty seconds later, she shakes the door, muttering something angrily.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m in here!”

Janitor: *shakes the door again*

Me: “Just a moment, I’m still going.”

(I hear more angry muttering. I get about five seconds of respite… and then she sticks her hand under the door with a rag, trying to clean the floor despite the stall still being in use.)

Me: *quickly pulling my legs back* “Yeesh, okay!”

(I was not done, but I quickly finished up anyway and left. The janitor pushed in the moment I was out. She kept glaring as me as I washed and dried my hands. I get that she was probably on a schedule to get the washrooms cleaned, but can’t you give someone a minute? Or at least ask nicely?)

A Proper Wraparound Statement

, , , | Learning | May 14, 2019

(We are in music class. We have a band program that is mandatory. I am in the clarinet section, and there are more girls than boys. Our teacher is commenting on our seating arrangements when he lets out this gem:)

Teacher: “All right, maybe next time you boys sit in front and you girls wrap around them.”

(We never let him live that down, but what he had meant to say was that the girls sat AROUND us.)

Welcome To 2019

, , , | Friendly | March 3, 2019

(We have a new girl join our dragon boat team. She’s very sweet and seems kind of sheltered. One day after practice, some of the girls from the team go for a Bloody Mary and she joins us, which is unusual. We are discussing what we did for Valentine’s Day.)

Me: “We stayed in, I made us a special dinner, we split a bottle of wine, and he washed up. Nothing too special.”

New Starter: “Aw, it’s nice that your husband washed up.”

Me: “Oh, well, actually, he always does. I always cook, so it’s only fair really.”

New Starter: *kind of wide-eyed* “Really?”

Me: “Well, of course! We both earn and we both split the chores.”

(There are murmurs of agreement from the rest of the group.)

New Starter: “Um, I thought it was like, a woman’s thing to do housework?”

(I think we all look a little bit shocked at her, which, in retrospect, I feel bad about because she seems to really believe what she’s saying. It’s also worth noting that she works full time.)

New Starter: “That’s what my mum said, and my husband, too. She showed me, like in the movies?”

Teammate: *known for being super blunt* “Were these movies from the fifties?”

(A couple of girls laugh and I shoot them a look. Clearly, this poor girl has been brainwashed or something. I lean over to her.)

Me: “[New Starter], it definitely used to be like that, but it really isn’t anymore. In a healthy relationship, it’s fair to share the workload.”

(She looked at me like I’d just told her where babies come from. Then, she turned bright pink, and jumped up and ran out of the cafe. I hope she’s enlightened her husband, or dumped him!)

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They’ve Scrambled A Few Too Many Eggs

, , , , | Working | February 26, 2019

On weekends my boyfriend and I usually go to the same cafe for breakfast. The food is good and the portions generous. I like it most of all because the seating is right next to the ocean. However, the service varies from “weird” to “downright awful.”

The first incident, I ordered a veggie cheeseburger and specified no tomato. When the sullen waiter brought my food he shrugged and said, “I guess the chef forgot to take the tomato off.” I was a little peeved; how hard is it to remove a slice of tomato? But I didn’t want to be “that customer,” so I just took it off myself and said nothing.

The next week, we got breakfast there again and we were both reading the paper. My boyfriend asked the waiter for a pen so he could do the crossword and the waiter went into a rant about how we couldn’t just sit there and take up space, that there were other customers who wanted to sit on the patio, too, and that this wasn’t a place where we could just lounge around doing crossword puzzles. We were the only customers there, and until that tirade, we’d had every intention of ordering another round of coffee. My boyfriend was really annoyed, but I’ve worked in a few coffee shops myself and I know how annoying it is to have lingering customers, so I persuaded him not to get too down on the place.

We returned again a couple of weeks later, and I ordered the salmon bagel which was beautifully presented and absolutely delicious. However, I was slightly put off because when the waiter brought it to the table I noticed the chef hovering in the doorway. He kept staring at me, looking furious and muttering to himself, so when I got up to use the bathroom I politely asked him if there was a problem. He didn’t speak English, so he went back into the kitchen. As we left the waiter told me that the chef was upset because I ate my bagel. When I enquired exactly what I was supposed to do with said bagel other than eating it, the waiter said that the chef worked very hard on making the bagel look nice and he thought I would take a photo of it first and put it on Instagram to promote the restaurant. I don’t actually use Instagram, but I guess because I’m a blonde white girl, the chef assumed I did.

We still went back the weekend after that — I guess because we’re idiots? — and this time my boyfriend decided to try the eggs royale. It looked absolutely delicious, but when I asked him how it was he remarked that the hollandaise was cold. He still ate it all and I finished up my food. As we left, my boyfriend mentioned to the waiter — again, very politely — that the hollandaise on his eggs was cold and maybe they could pass that along to the chef. The waiter threw down the tea towel on his shoulder and yelled, “RIGHT! GET OUT! DON’T COME BACK! YOU TWO ARE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE!”

And that is how we got banned from our favourite breakfast place for not complaining about the little things, wanting to spend more money there, eating the food we ordered, and trying to give a little constructive criticism. We now eat breakfast at a new place which is run by sane people.