Please Learn To Reader

, | IL, USA | Working | September 2, 2016

(I work as a front lobby security officer/receptionist in an office building that has a set of badged double doors leading off the lobby. Employees are supposed to use the reader unless their hands are full. Guests are buzzed through. These rules are also printed on the doors in large print. This still happens, every day.)

Employee: *walks up to the door, empty-handed, then looks at me* “Hey, let me through!”

Me: “Badge the reader, please.”

Employee: “Why? Just let me through.”

Me: “It’s policy. Please badge the reader.”

Employee: *looks at the doors, then the reader, then me* “Will you let me in?”

Me: “Badge the reader.”

(This would repeat until the employee either got tired of it or – sometimes – I gave in. Every. single. day.)

Has No Turnstile Style

| Santa Fe, NM, USA | Working | August 17, 2016

(I work as a security guard at a car factory and part of my job is monitoring the turnstiles out front. If people don’t have a company issued badge to get in, I’m supposed to make them sign a log sheet. Usually, there’s no problem; people take the two minutes to sign in and be on their way.)

Me: *watches guy shoving the turnstile* “Sir, don’t shove it like that. Please use your card.”

Man: *shoves even harder*

Me: “Sir, please, you’ll break it. Just come over here and sign in if you don’t have a card.”

Man: *shoves the turnstile even harder*

Me: “Sir, I’m not letting you in until you sign in.”

Man: “D*** it, let me in! I’m gonna be late!”

Me: “Sign in, and I’ll open the turnstile.”

(Another coworker starts to hand the guy his card, which is a pet peeve of mine because it’s not allowed and defeats the purpose of issuing personal cards. I lock the turnstiles so they won’t open from the front. The guy tries the card and starts to freak out when it obviously won’t work. Other people are finding theirs won’t work either.)

Me: “Sorry, but until this guy signs in, I can’t open them.”

Coworker: “Dude, just go sign in! You’re going to make us late!”

Man: *continues to bash turnstile* “I don’t have to sign no f***** sheet! I work at this f***** place!”

Coworker: “[Man], SERIOUSLY, go sign in! Now!”

Man: *finally leaves the turnstile and plows over to the window right up in my face* “OPEN THE DOOR OR I’LL BREAK YOUR TEETH!”

Me: “Seriously, it takes a minute to sign in and I’ll gladly let you through.”

Man: *raises his fist as if he’s about to hit me* “NOW, B****!”

Me: *smiles and points* “Smile, sir, you’re on camera.”

(The guy pales and looks where I’m pointing at the ceiling. Apparently, he’d forgotten I’m security and I’ve got cameras in the front entrance. I move away from the monitors and show him the screen showing him standing at the window with his fist still raised quite clearly. He slowly lowers it and I can see the muscles in his face start twitching slightly as he reaches for the log sheet and signs in quickly. He practically shoves it back at me and I unlock the turnstiles, allowing everyone through.)

Me: “Thank you very much, sir. Have a good day.”

Targeted With Military Imprecision

| USA | Working | June 15, 2016

(I’m training a new employee and this is the second week. They still have a piece of paperwork that needs to be finished with a member of the training department.)

Me: “So what time did [Training Manager] say they would be available for the paperwork?”

Trainee: “She said anytime after a thousand.”

Me: “A thousand? A thousand what? A thousand clicks? A thousand steps? A thousand minutes? A thousand what?”

Trainee: “I don’t know! That’s all her message said, “after a thousand.”

Me: “Okay, can I see the message? I need to figure this out so we can schedule time for you to be away from training.”

(They show me the message; I take a moment to collect myself so I don’t laugh.)

Me: “Okay, that’s ten-hundred. That’s 10:00 am.”

Wish You Could Be Night Swift

| Chicago, IL, USA | Working | March 15, 2016

(I work third shift as a night watch-lady. The company I work for is notoriously cheap and indifferent to their employees. Every year, the guards have to have their information renewed for some inexplicable reason and must go to headquarters downtown to do so, again, for some inexplicable reason. Being a third shifter, I sleep during the day. Unfortunately, my boss informs me that I have to go in at 9:30 in the morning to get my card renewed and to my dismay, the receptionist I’m dealing with is an infamously aggravating woman hired in through nepotism and whose life goal seems to be tormenting the employees. I get to the place after work. Since I’m very groggy and am a little early, I decide to call her on her posted work cell number since she isn’t there yet.)

Me: “Hello? Is this [Receptionist]? It’s [My Name]. I’m here to renew my card information for [Company].”

Receptionist: “What?”

Me: “Uh, I’m here to renew my information.”

Receptionist: “Yeah, I HEARD that. What are you doing there at 8:30 in the morning?”

Me: “Well, I just got off work; I thought maybe I could get here a little early and get home and go to sleep quicker.”

Receptionist: “Uh, no, I told you to be here at 9:30, no earlier! You can just go on home and then come back then.”

Me: “But I live in [rural area 10 miles away].”

Receptionist: “That’s too bad, but I’m NOT coming in any earlier than 9:30.”

Me: “But—”

Receptionist: “I am NOT spelling it out for you! You’re clearly a big girl; you can handle a half-hour without sleep! Nine. Thirty! Sharp!”

Me: “Fine! D***!”

(I hang up before she can call me out for swearing. I proceed to sit down in the lobby, practically falling asleep against the wall and getting more irritated and grumpy by the second. About twenty minutes later, one of the other managers comes in and notices me slumped in the chair.)

Manager: “Uh… have you been helped?”

Me: “No.”

Manager: “Are you…?”

Me: “I’m a night guard. I’m here to get my information renewed. I just got off my shift, so I’m exhausted. I just want to get it done, go home, and sleep.”

Manager: “Well, let’s get you on back here and fill this form out.”

(Somewhat bewildered, I follow him, fill out the form in less than a minute, get my picture taken, and then five minutes later I’m done.)

Manager: “Okay, we’re all set. Go on home and get some sleep.”

Me: “Thanks… Uh, I’m really sorry I was kinda rude back there…”

Manager: “Nah, it’s okay. You’re tired; I understand. Have a good day, okay?”

(I do so, now feeling bad about being snippy with him. I just about reach the stairs when I realize I’ve forgotten my purse. I hurry back up to grab it and as I open the door, I hear the manager talking on the phone in the other room.)

Manager: “No, I don’t want to hear it! Listen to me right now… No, I am NOT going to have her fired for being rude! She had every right to be… No, she also had every right to call you when you weren’t here… Okay, listen, [Receptionist], I’m telling you right now; you do NOT call our night workers to come in for five minute meetings in the god-d*** MORNINGS! Of COURSE she was pissed! She’d just gotten off work! Next time just leave the d*** paper on the counter! If I hear one more story about a night person coming in for a pointless meeting with you in the morning, then I’ll have you moved to the stockroom.”

(He slammed the phone down. I slunk in, grabbed my purse, and slunk out. And you know? I never got another call before four in the afternoon from her again.)

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Fired Over A Flight Of Fancy

| WI, USA | Working | February 21, 2016

(I am a night guard for a decent-sized factory, as well as the only guard on duty at night. One night, we have a water main break inside the factory and everyone had to be evacuated. My job is to head to the front gate a quarter mile away to direct traffic away from the front doors. I have to walk there, which takes about twenty minutes. Everything goes fine and forty minutes later I return to work. The following I overhear the next morning with my boss talking to the new secretary.)

Boss: “Uh, no, you are NOT firing her for that!”

Secretary: “Yes, we are. You can tell her she can pick up her last check this Friday.”

Boss: “She was the only one on duty last night!”

Secretary: “It doesn’t matter!”

(Panicked, I rush in.)

Me: “I’m fired?! Why?!”

Boss: “You’re not fired, okay?”

Secretary: *gives me a snotty look* “Yes, you are. Kindly leave the premises right now.”

Me: “But what am I being fired for!?”

Secretary: “Your performance during the incident last night was horrible! You let twelve cars into the parking lot and blocked the fire truck from getting through! There was almost an accident!”

Boss: “Is this true?”

Me: “The front gate is a quarter mile away, ma’am. It must have happened while I was heading down there.”

Secretary: “That’s no excuse! There was almost an accident!”

Boss: “[Secretary], it takes time! She can’t FLY there!”

Secretary: “Well, then, that’s her problem.”

(No joke, I was literally fired for not “flying” to the gate to keep cars out during the water main break. My ex-boss helped me find a better job with a different company. He told me that two weeks later, another water main broke and the secretary tried to have that guard fired for the same reason. Guess who got written up for being absurdly unrealistic?)

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