Unfiltered Story #190542

, , , , | Unfiltered | March 23, 2020

(I am a security guard out on patrol when I witness this.)

Car: *pulls up on he street and shouts to a man standing on the sidewalk* “Hey, is this a parking spot?”

(The man on the sidewalk turns slowly to the very prominent ‘NO PARKING” sign that we’ve put up because people were ignoring the already posted street sign.)

Sidewalk: *flatly* “No,”

Tell The Terrorists And Drug Smugglers To Take Weekends Off!

, , , , , | Working | March 10, 2020

(I am going through the carry-on security scanner at the airport and one of my bins is flagged. It contains only my laptop, my shoes, and my earbuds, and I have no idea what the scanner took issue with since they should all be fine.)

Me: *jokingly referring to the machine* “What did it get mad at?”

Security Dude: “I’m not mad at it. I’m just mad that I have to be here on a Saturday morning.”

(Fair, but should you really be telling me that?)

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Resident Evil

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2020

(I work security in a gated community. As roving patrol, I do write speeding tickets. I witness a woman driving 40 in a 15 mph zone, almost hitting a lady pushing a stroller, and ticket her. She comes to the clubhouse to speak to me.)

Resident: “Are you, uhh… [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Resident: “This ticket is bulls***, and you writing it is a b**** move. I wasn’t going 40; my speedo said 24!”

Me: “So, by admission, you were still speeding.”

Resident: “No, f*** you. You guys can’t even fix half the problems we have around here and you’re off pulling this BS. You can take this ticket and shove it.”

Me: *smiling and polite* “Okay, see you later! Also, this conversation will be noted.”

Resident: “Yeah, whatever. They won’t do anything anyway.”

(The ticket and the notes were passed on to the security chief and COO of the association. The lady was fined $316. Basically, her dues doubled that month for the homeowners’ association.)

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You Passed The Exam But Failed Security

, , , , | Learning | February 7, 2020

Security Guard: “Hi. A student called us to report a suspicious person, but we can’t find the student or the suspicious person. Do you know anything about this?”

Coworker: “No one reported anything to me and I didn’t see anyone suspicious, either. Do you know what that suspicious person looks like?”

Security Guard: “Well, the student just said that the guy looked nervous. Did you see anyone like that?”

Coworker: “Every single student is suspicious, then. It’s exam period; they’re all nervous.”

Security Guard: “Oh, right. I didn’t think about that… Well, never mind, then.”

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Unfiltered Story #186486

, , | Unfiltered | February 7, 2020

I work as a gate guard at a gated community. There are things for the public to do inside. It costs six bucks to get in. One day, I get a guy who is talking on his phone while paying…

Customer, on the phone: I like to burn things in my yard sometimes. Not like crosses or anything…

I’m looking at him with a hugely curious expression, I’m sure.

Customer: c’mon girl, you should see how the guard guy is looking at me!

Me: Hey, you have a nice day! (As he drives off, I’m laughing like mad.)