That Was A Close-Knit Call

, , , , , | Right | February 26, 2021

I’m the idiot in this story. My friend and I visit London shortly after some attacks. One of the museums we visit has set up security checks. There are two security officers, so my friend and I hand over our handbags.

Security #1: “Good morning. Anything sharp?”

Me: “No.”

Security #1: *To his colleague* “Careful, this one has knitting.”

It dawns on me that knitting needles are considered sharp objects and grin sheepishly.

Security #2: “This one, too, but she told me.”

Security #1: “Any scissors?”

Me: “Yes, in my fanny pack.”

I’m searching but I’m already nervous about the needles mixup and I cannot find them.

Me: “Yes, well, I seem to have trouble finding them, but they are air carrier safe with a less than 2.5-inch blade and dull points.”

The officer just sighed and let me go through. I later noticed that in my recently added manicure set, there was a pair of scissors with sharp points. I’m since then much more aware of what I carry in my purse! If only because blood is so difficult to clean out of wool.

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A Well-Bread Agent

, , , , , , | Working | February 23, 2021

I am flying out to visit my parents several states away. My husband can’t come with me but sends a gift: a loaf of his homemade holiday bread. Since I don’t want to pack the bread in my luggage in case of loss — or crumbs — I tuck it into my carry-on bag. The security line is super-busy, and I get waved aside.

TSA Agent: “Ma’am, we’ll need to look through your bag.”

Me: “I understand.”

The agent opens the bag and lifts out the loaf, which is wrapped in foil and still faintly warm. He looks profoundly confused.

Me: “Oh, that’s holiday bread. My husband baked it.”

TSA Agent: *Taking a slow sniff* “It’s… bread.”

Me: “Yep. It’s got raisins and dried cherries in it.”

TSA Agent: *Smiling* “I’m terribly afraid I have to confiscate this.”

Me: “Confiscate some warm melted butter to put on top of it, too!”

He waved me through with a smile, and the bread got safely to my parents, who enjoyed it.

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But Who Guards The Guards?

, , , , | Working | February 11, 2021

I am working a shift as a security dispatcher. I have this conversation with the same guy every time. This is the last time it happens, though, thankfully. It’s not the last time he doesn’t call for whatever reason, but it is the last time he uses this logic.

I call the dispatch in [City].

Me: “Hi. I have no call on duty or off duty from [site]. [Guard #1] was supposed to call on duty and [Guard #2] was supposed to call off duty.”

Dispatcher: “All right, I’ll see what’s up.”

I go back to my main job of keeping track of on- and off-duty calls and log alarms, that kind of thing. Finally, I get a call.

Guard #1: “Hello, I was told to call.”

Me: “Yes, I have not received an on-duty call from you, so I didn’t know if you were on site.”

Guard #1: “Did [Guard #2] call to say I wasn’t?”

Me: “He did not.”

Guard #1: “Then I was on site on time.”

Me: “Not necessarily. You could have called him to say you would be late and not called [City] dispatch at all and we would never know. You could have let [City] dispatch know and they didn’t inform me, leading to the same results. It’s more common than one would assume. I can’t count on him clocking off duty to be a sign that you are there, either, as sometimes guards clock off duty without being properly relieved. It’s really important that you clock on duty.”

[Guard #1] laughed like what I said was funny or didn’t matter and hung up.

I called [City] dispatch back and reported him because I’m not okay with being laughed at for doing my job, especially by someone who has worked for the company long enough to know how things work, like that just because I don’t hear from the guard being relieved that his relief is running late doesn’t mean he isn’t running late. The [City] dispatch thought that maybe his cultural baggage was causing him not to take me seriously because I’m a woman. But they talked to him, and now he uses the excuses “forgot to call” or “was busy with work” rather than his rather twisty logic.

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Death Of A Sale(sman), Part 2

, , , , , | Right | February 2, 2021

I manage security for an aeronautic electronics plant. My position is at the front visitor’s desk and main phone line.

Caller: “Put me through to the plant manager.”

Me: “I will put you through to the admin assistant.”

Caller:No. You will put me through to the manager, now!”

Me: *Click*

Caller: *Calls back* “Give me your supervisor, immediately!”

Me: “No.” *Click*

Caller: *Calls back* “Listen. Give me corporate’s number, now, and you will put me through to the plant manager!”

Me: “Fat chance.” *Click*

Caller: *Calls back, sounding very defeated* “Listen. I need to speak to the plant manager. It is very important. Why are you being so belligerent?”

Me: “Because, one, if it or you were important, you would already have his extension number and name, and two, even if you had misplaced them, you would have no problem taking an extra step and two minutes to go through the proper channels by going through the admin assistant. Now, would you like the admin assistant?”

Caller: *Completely broken* “Yes, please.”

Death Of A Sale(sman)

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Not If You Grab Them Before They Run!

, , , , | Legal | January 11, 2021

The discount store I manage is open very late at night. This sometimes invites transient activity and shoplifting, as fewer employees work at night than during the day. While we do have loss prevention or security around, this doesn’t deter some people.

Tonight it’s been rough. We’ve had four counts of shoplifting activity so far. Two of them have been grab-and-runs right out the door, while the other two were successfully recovered. My security and I are talking about the last one when we notice more customers acting suspicious and determine this will be the fifth time tonight.

Security: “If we have three grab-and-runs tonight, am I fired?”

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