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Returner Burner, Part 8

, , , , , | Right | April 17, 2018

Me: “Hello, sir. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return these pants.”

Me: “Sure, can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “Well, since these are [Jeans], which is a national brand, I can’t accept the return.”

Customer: “Can I speak with a manager?”

Me: *internal sigh* “Sure.”

(As I’m about to reach for the phone to page for a manager, I notice ANOTHER store’s tag on the pants.)

Me: “Sir, did you buy these at another store?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *pause* “Then you need to go to that store.”

Customer: “But they wouldn’t accept it and you guys carry the brand so I thought you would.”

Me: “No, we can’t accept the return nor give you store credit.”

Customer: “WELL, FINE!” *storms off*

Returner Burner, Part 7
Returner Burner, Part 6
Returner Burner, Part 5

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You And I Can Write A Grammatically Correct Romance

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 5, 2018

(My wife and I kiss farewell before we head off to our respective cars and our respective jobs.)

Wife: “I love you.”

Me: “I love you. You are the best wife who ever wifed.”

Wife: “You are the best husband who ever husbanded.”

Me: “Not as best as your wifing… That sentence was grammatical!”

Wife: *pause* “I’m out of here.”

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Getting (Pet)ty

, , , , , , | Right | March 6, 2018

(I’m working as the manager of a lounge available for free to holders of a travel rewards card. The front desk staff are well trained to spot all 30-something varieties of this card, and were chosen for being extremely diplomatic. San Francisco is notorious for people trying to pass off regular pets as service animals to bring them into buses, open-kitchen restaurants, etc. Apparently, we’re not even allowed to ask for the service license, but I didn’t know that until this incident. Tonight, I’m near the front as a woman wanders in with a small dog in tow and tries to walk past the staff without verifying her card.)

Me: “Is that a service animal?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss—” *pointing to the sign* “—but no pets are allowed inside. Does he have a license?”

Customer: “What’s your name? He’s not a pet! You can’t ask me that! This is discrimination! I demand to speak to the manager!”

Me: “I’m actually the manager on duty, ma’am.”


(She’s yelling so loudly most of the people in the lounge and employees are looking over to see what the commotion is.)

Me: “Okay… but are you a [Company] cardholder? Even if you have a service animal, only cardholders are allowed in the lounge.”

Customer: “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?!”

Me: “My name is [My Name]. Are you a cardholder?”

Customer: “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?!”

Me: “Ma’am, my name is [My Name]. Do you have a [Company] card?”

Customer: “Right, I’m going to get you fired!”

(She turned on the spot and walked away. The women at the front desk were in shock at her tone, but for the rest of that month, whenever things were slow, one of them would sneak up behind me and whisper-scream, “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?”)

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Being Sour Grapes

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 2, 2018

(My wife and I are contemplating what to name our first child.)

Wife: “I’m not opposed to ‘Grace’ for a middle name.”

Me: “Neither am I. Better that than ‘Grapes.’”

Wife: “What? When was that on the table?”

Me: “Grapes are frequently on tables!”

(My wife says I’m not taking this process seriously. I don’t know what she’s talking about.)

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Making A Grave Mistake

, , , , , | Working | February 7, 2018

(We sell knitting supplies, and therefore deal with a lot of elderly customers. It is a slow day. A colleague of mine decides to take a nap at the cashier, until the phone rings, waking him up.)

Coworker: “Hello, this is Silent Grove Cemetery. Which hole do you want?”

(He then hung up and went back to sleep as I stared incredulously.)

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