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Picture This…

, , , , , , | Right | March 23, 2020

Customer: “I need to withdraw $3000 from my account. I am planning to do some shopping today.”

Me: “I can help you with that. All I need is a picture ID from you.”

Customer: “ID? I don’t have one. All I have is a library card.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am. Because of the large dollar amount, there is no way for me to do the transaction without a valid picture ID.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! You are an idiot. I told you I don’t have an ID. It’s my money and I want it now.”

Me: “I agree that it is your money, ma’am, but it’s my job to safeguard that money, so I have to complete the necessary steps to make sure I am giving the money to the right person.”

Customer: “My ID is with my boyfriend. I have a picture of it on my phone. See?”

(She shows me a picture ID on her phone.)

Me: “I am really sorry, ma’am. I cannot give you such a large dollar amount without the actual ID. I could give you a small dollar amount of maybe 100 to 200 with security questions. However, for anything larger, I need the actual ID.”

Customer: “What kind of bank are you? I mean, this is technology. I have a picture of my ID on my phone and it should work. Is your bank so technologically backward? Nowadays, a picture of anything works. You don’t need anything in a physical form. That’s what America is about. I guess you wouldn’t know as you are just an immigrant. But in America, our technology is superior and a picture of anything works. Understand? So stop being an idiot and give me my money NOW!”

(By now I am a little irritated.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am really sorry. However, what I can do is give you a picture of your money and I am guessing that would work?”

Customer: *storms off*

(My manager was not extremely happy but had a good laugh.)

I Left My Pants In San Francisco

, , , , | Right | March 18, 2020

(I take photos at an aquarium, and during the downtime I reset some of the displays so guests won’t have to reset them themselves. One time, I see a middle-aged to elderly gentleman wearing only a shirt and a diaper. He comes up to me and asks a few questions.)

Guest: “Where is the rest of the aquarium?”

Me: *trying to keep my face calm and not shocked at what’s going on* “The rest of the aquarium is downstairs through the elevator.”

Guest: “Thank you.”

Me: *thinking; only in this area you get the most interesting situations* “Have a great day.”

(After he went down the elevator, I walked up to a few coworkers. Sadly, I don’t remember what words were said. We talked about how he was able to get into the aquarium and why, oh why was he only wearing a shirt and a diaper? Five minutes later, we heard on the radio that the guest was being escorted out with a refund, and we found out that he was doing a social experiment. The ticket booth had warned the front desk not to let him in, and the person running the front desk ignored the warning.)

He Created A Slippery Situation

, , , , , | Romantic | February 27, 2020

My husband is from France but speaks perfect English. He occasionally has issues but they are rare. He and I are talking about Chinese food and how he hates it and I love it.

“Well, it isn’t that you hate it; you just don’t like most takeout because it’s too greasy.”

“Yeah, and you don’t mind because you are a big fat person.”

I am in shock. I just stare at him with my mouth open. About two seconds after the words leave his mouth, he gets a look like he just set his hair on fire and starts stammering.

“That isn’t what I meant! I just mean you love fat, like butter and sauces and stuff!”

I laughed and forgave him. While I am heavier than he is, that is due to him being a skinny, skinny thing, while I have a tad more “peasant stock” as we like to say.

Remembering Where They Parked Is Now Your Problem  

, , , | Right | January 31, 2020

(It’s about 10:30 pm. My parents and I have just left the Giants game and have boarded a shuttle that takes us to our parking lot about two miles away. There are about fifteen other people on the bus. In the area around the ballpark, there’s a lot of construction, trying to revamp that area of the city and prepare for the America’s Cup coming up in a little over a month.)

Person: *getting on the bus* “Are you taking us back to where you picked us up before?”

Driver: “I’m sorry?”

Person: “Are you taking us back to where you picked us up before?”

Driver: “Where was that? I drop off at several places.”

Person: “You know, it’s a parking lot. You’re the one that picked us up!”

Driver: “Sir, I picked up hundreds of people before the game. I’m also dropping off at several parking lots. Which one was it?”

Person: “I don’t remember which one. It was the one next to construction, and between two buildings!”

(Just about everyone’s jaw drops, and my dad, who is sitting in the front row, puts his face in his hands.)

Driver: “Really? Did you really just say that?”

Cappuccino-No-No, Part 2

, , , , | Right | January 30, 2020

Me: “Hi! What can I get started for you today?”

Customer: “I would like an extra dry, no foam cappuccino.”

Me: “So, a cappuccino is a foamy espresso drink. A dry cappuccino is mostly foam. A wet cappuccino has less foam, would you like that instead?”

Customer: “No! I want it extra dry, but make sure it has no foam.”

Me: “Would you like a no foam latte, instead? A cappuccino, by definition, has foam in it.”

Customer: “Yes, okay, but make sure it’s extra dry.”