You Can Do Bet-ter

| VA, USA | Romantic | December 14, 2016

(During my senior year, I volunteer as a docent at the aquarium. I am one of the “funny guys” in the group of docents. A lot of my jokes are about my love life, or rather lack thereof. One day, as I walk into the break room, this happens.)

Volunteer: “Hey, [My Name], you wanna go on a date?”

Me: *completely serious* “What was the bet?”

(Everyone burst out laughing because, apparently, she actually did lose a bet. To be fair, I didn’t like her that much and would’ve most likely said no even if there wasn’t a bet.)

Deanerys Is Losing Her Touch

| VA, USA | Right | November 10, 2016

(Back when I volunteered at the aquarium, we had an exhibit with Komodo dragons that I would occasionally be assigned to. On my first time being assigned to that exhibit, this conversation happened.)

Kid: “Are those real dragons?”

Me: “Yes.”

Kid: “MAKE THEM BREATHE FIRE.”

Me: “I can’t do that.”

Kid: “Yeah, you can. They’re dragons; that means they can breathe fire.”

Me: “They don’t listen to me.”

Kid: “Oh. You should train them more.”

That’s The Trigger Word

| Maui, HI, USA | Working | November 8, 2016

(My girlfriend recently took a week vacation to Hawaii with her mother. Before she left I taught her to pronounce the name, in Hawaiian , of the state fish commonly known as the reef trigger fish. The Hawaiian name is notoriously difficult to pronounce for non-locals. While in front of a large tank of fish with a tour guide…)

Guide: “Can anyone tell me which is the state fish of Hawaii?”

Girlfriend: “That one there.”

Guide: “Correct! But can anyone tell me its name?” *expecting trigger fish*

Girlfriend: *with perfect Hawaiian pronunciation* “Humuhumu-nukunuku-a-pua’a!”

Guide: *with a stunned look on his face* “That’s the first time anyone has ruined my shtick.”

(My girlfriend had a smile on her face all day and I got a shirt with a humuhumu-nuk… trigger fish.)

Three Thinking

| Long Island, NY, USA | Right | November 5, 2016

(The aquarium that I work at offers daily passes as well as yearly passes. You have the option to upgrade from a daily pass to a yearly pass at the end of your visit with a copy of your receipt. Also, we do not charge for children that are two and under.)

Customer: “I would like to upgrade to the yearly pass.”

Me: “Sure, we have a couple of options. Here is a form with the types of memberships we offer.”

(I go over the various types we have and we find a plan that suits her family.)

Me: “Okay, I just need you to fill out the bottom half with your name as well as the children’s names and their dates of births.”

Customer: “Uh… why do you need their birthdays? That’s not important.”

Me: *confused* “Well, we need it to make sure we don’t charge you for an extra child because I see on your receipt here that you have a child that is under three.”

Customer: “To be honest, I lied about that. He’s three, but I didn’t want to pay for him.”

Me: “…”

Coworker: “…”

Customer: “I’m sure people do this all the time…”

Happy Feet Will Make You Walk On Water

| Newport, KY, USA | Related | October 28, 2015

(My parents and I are visiting the local aquarium. At the penguin exhibit, the ledge on which the penguins can enter the water is at the perfect height where it indeed looks like the birds are walking on water. Just as we’re getting a good look at the exhibit, a group of Catholic school children with a couple of nuns join us in the viewing space.)

Dad: *loudly* “Look, [My Name], God’s a penguin! I thought the second coming would be more glorious than this!”

(The kids all but knocked each other over clamoring for a spot closer to the glass. The nuns gave us dirty looks, and my embarrassed mother ushered us to the next exhibit, while Dad and I cracked up. I can only imagine the questions those nuns got!)

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