My mom and I went to the aquarium. Mom was just a couple of years shy of the cut-off to qualify for the senior discount, which was sixty-five and up. When we noticed, we joked a little about it with the ticket lady.

I pointed to the single grey hair on my head that I’ve had since high school.

Me: “What, you didn’t notice I’m going grey? Clearly, I qualify!”

Neither of us got the senior discount, but we felt good anyway knowing we made the lady smile a little at our antics.

I work at an aquarium that has an exhibit on Beluga whales. I’m giving a tour to a group, explaining how to tell the genders apart.

Guest: “Wait, aren’t they all male?”

Me: “Actually, no, this particular whale is a female.”

Guest: “No… that can’t be right.”

Me: “Why do you think that?”

Guest: “Whales are the boys and dolphins are the girls!”

Before I can think up a diplomatic response, one of the guest’s friends speaks up. They are laughing and speaking sarcastically.

Guest’s Friend: “No, [Guest], don’t you remember that episode of Glee? It explained it all; dolphins are just gay sharks.” *Winks at me*

Guest: *Thinks* “Oh… okay, then. That makes sense.” 

Does it?!

My wife and I were attending an aquatic theme park with another couple. We were in the aquarium watching the dolphins swim. A boy of about five or six asked his mother a question.

Boy: “How do they hold their breath for so long?”

Mother: “They don’t. They’re fish. They breathe water, just like we do.”

We all looked at each other. Do we say something? Should we comment on how dolphins are mammals that have evolved the ability to hold their breath for long periods? Do we even address the idea that those people breathe water?

We took too long to decide, and they left. I felt bad. That kid is going to have serious problems when confronted with the actualities of life.

I work in a water-based theme park that includes aquariums and rides, as well as an underwater mermaid show that I am currently selling tickets for. The mermaid show is a group of synchronized swimmers wearing merfolk tails performing underwater acrobatic feats. A guest from the previous show storms up to me.

Guest: “You’re all a bunch of liars! You said you had a mermaid show, but it’s just a bunch of regular people wearing mermaid tails!”

Me: “Well… yes, ma’am. That’s the show.”

Guest: “So, y’all are liars! You’re advertising fake mermaids!”

Me: “And where would we get real mermaids, ma’am?”

Guest: “Same place as you get all the other fish in this place: the ocean, duh!”

I look painfully at my manager, who knows I can’t respond to this without insulting the guest.

Manager: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but the mermaids are all extinct. They were hunted to extinction by all the whaling ships. Our show is just a representation of what they used to look like.”

Guest: “Oh! That’s awful! Thank you for letting me know!”

Manager: “You’re welcome, ma’am. Please enjoy the rest of your stay.”

She walks off.

Me: *To my manager* “You’re just perpetuating the cycle of stupid.”

Manager: “I used to work in a zoo with fake dinosaurs where this would happen every week. This is nothing.”

Stay in school, kids!

CONTENT WARNING: Animal Abuse & Death

I work in a large aquarium. We have several pools with goldfish and other species. We sometimes get kids, and even adults, who want to touch the fish. One day, I see a little boy grab the tail of a goldfish and pull it out of the water.

Me: “Please put that back in the water.”

The boy just stares at me. Thinking he might not understand me, I gently take the fish and put it back in the water. The boy then grabs a different fish.

Me: “Please don’t grab the fish like that. You could really hurt them. Now put him back in the water.”

The boy blew a raspberry at me and then took off with the fish.

Sighing, I called my manager over and told her what was going on. She sent security to find the boy and the fish.

A few minutes later, security radio’d that they’d found the boy and his mother, who was insisting that her son was an angel and had done nothing wrong, even when the boy put the fish in his mouth. His mother shrieked and slapped the fish away, where it landed hard on the cold concrete. I picked up the fish and security took the extremely misbehaved boy and his crazy mother away and banned them for life.

Unfortunately, the fish died, and we installed video cameras the next week.