In our restaurant, we normally serve coffee in cafetières (French presses), where ground coffee and hot water are placed in a beaker and a filter is pressed down to hold the grounds at the bottom.

Today, we have a larger group whose coffee is to be served in large thermos jugs. I come into the kitchen to find my coworker putting ground coffee and water directly into the thermos jugs and mixing them with a table knife.

Me: “Hey, you can’t do it like that. You have to make the coffee in the cafetière first and then pour it into the thermos jugs.”

Coworker: “I think it’s fine like that.”

Me: “No, this is not instant coffee; it doesn’t dissolve. If you just mix it like that, the guests will get grounds floating around in their coffee.”

Coworker: “Well, you can do it, then.” *Walks off*

I made the coffee correctly. This coworker later complained that I was “always telling her what to do”. I believe I had good reason sometimes.

This was many years ago when there was an E. coli outbreak that affected lettuce. Salads of all kinds were pulled out of restaurants and stores for weeks.

I was working as a server, and the recall had been in place for about three weeks when two ladies were seated at my table.

Customer #1: “I would like a house salad as my side, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any salads available right now due to the recall. Is there something else you would like?”

Customer #1: “No, I’ll take the salad. I don’t think those outbreaks are real. It’s just the government testing on us. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

Customer #2: “You’ll have to get something else. It doesn’t matter that it’s not real; they don’t actually have any lettuce, and the government will shut them down if they try to sell it during their test.”

Customer #1: “Oh, that makes sense. I’ll just need a moment to decide, then.”

Me: “No problem. I’ll be back to check on you.”

I’ve often wondered over the years if the second lady believed in the lettuce conspiracy or if she just knew how to deal with the first lady well.

Related:
Lettuce Be Clear About This

A few months after we have cameras installed, a group comes in consisting of three adults and two kids who are maybe six or seven. They order and sit at two tables to wait. The adults are at a four-seater table and the kids are at a two-seater right next to them.

Immediately, all of the adults bury themselves in their phones, not paying any attention to the kids. The kids decide it’s a dandy idea to play with the salt and pepper shakers by crashing them into each other. A cashier walks over to very obviously clean a nearby table, giving the adults the opportunity to step in and stop the kids from roughly playing with glass.

Crickets from the adults. They’re too busy on their phones.

The cashier walks over to the kids’ table with a huge smile and takes the shakers OFF THE TABLE.

Cashier: *With a big grin* “Don’t want you to get hurt, guys!”

As she walks away with the shakers, the kids start complaining to Mom. It takes Mom a minute to even look up ’cause, you know, HER PHONE.

Mom: *To the cashier* “Why are you so mean? The kids weren’t doing anything wrong!

Blah, blah, blah. Their food is ready, and they go out ranting and moaning.

Mom: “Well, we were gonna stay and eat, but because you’re so rude, now we’re not!”

We try to hide from our faces that this is a win.

Mom: “And we’re never coming back!”

We try to hide from our faces that this is an even bigger win!

Later in the day, Mom ups the ante. She goes to our Facebook to tell her version of what happened.

Mom: “The cashier screamed at my kids! She wrenched the shakers out of their hands and nobody apologized!”

By the time any of us noticed, there were already a few comments, all on her side. Oh, poor kids, the cashier should be fired, you should have gotten your food for free, they owe you an apology, every retail worker on the face of the earth doesn’t want to work anymore, they and all their family members should die in a fire, etc. It was the standard Internet commentary from people who weren’t there, assumed they knew everything, and had absolutely zero chill.

My IT team — basically my two sons and a nephew — uploaded the footage of what REALLY happened. About the only thing Mom didn’t lie about was that they were there and nobody apologized as there was nothing to apologize for. Nobody screamed, the cashier was showing her pearly whites, and nobody “wrenched” the shakers out of the kids’ hands. BUT someone was more interested in her phone than watching her kids. It showed the kids trying to get her attention and her shooing them away.

The next morning, there were about four phone messages from Mom begging us to take down the video. She was getting roasted and toasted online and begged us to pleeeeeeeeeease take it down NOW.

We did eventually take it down… about a month later.

I own a bunch of restaurants and work in them like a dog, and nobody really knows I am the owner.

Customer: “Straw!”

I assume this is their way of saying, “Can I please have a straw?” but I am not going to reward rudeness.

I put a slightly perplexed but truly concerned expression on my face, get closer, and nod my head.

Me: “Straw?”

Customer: “Strraawww…”

Me: “Yeah, a straw.”

Customer: “Yes! Can I get a straw?”

Me: “Absolutely. I was not sure what you were getting at there.”

I chuckled like they were a kid saying something stupid that everyone finally figured out.

This strategy worked 100% of the time.

A customer has been hanging out at our restaurant for almost three hours having dinner with her friend. We are slow, and they are very cool and chatty with me, sharing that they haven’t seen each other for over twenty years. They enjoy the food and service.

All is going well.

When they are finally ready to leave:

Customer: “I’ll be paying the entire bill.”

It is about 230-something dollars. When I turn the handheld to her on the tip screen, she very politely and properly says:

Customer: “Not this time, darling. Another time.”

A few seconds later, her card is declined.

I politely try to assist while laughing my a** off on the inside. I ask her to check if her bank has contacted her, yadda yadda yadda, the usual lines I give to avoid customers being embarrassed when this happens. I am overly sweet — sickeningly so.

Customer: “Can I go get you the cash and come back? I don’t have any on me.”

Me: “Not this time, darling. Another time.”

She had to grovel to her friend to pay.