They’re Not The Brightest Star In The Sky

| Plainsboro, NJ, USA | Right | October 10, 2016

(I lifeguard at a pool in a residential neighborhood. We’re required by state law to check the chlorine and PH of the water every hour. As I’m testing the chemicals, a woman approaches.)

Woman: “Is the chlorine all right? Is it safe to come in?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

Woman: “Okay, because last time we came here, when we went home our skin was dark!”

Me: “Oh, the chlorine wouldn’t do that to your skin.”

Woman: “No? Then what would?!”

Me: “…The sun?”

She Is Seventeen, Going On A**-Hole

| Berkeley, CA, USA | Right | October 3, 2016

(I work as a lifeguard in a brand-new state-of-the-art pool. We have many different pools within our facility, one of which is the ‘therapy pool.’ The rule of this pool is that you MUST be eighteen or older to use this pool. This exchange happens as I’m on duty for the therapy pool. Three girls approach me. They all look around borderline eighteen, so I ask them their age.)

Girl #1: “Eighteen.”

Girl #2: “Eighteen.”

Girl #3: “Um… actually, I’m only seventeen.”

(It’s not a crowded night and I’m feeling jolly, so I don’t press on.)

Me: “That’s okay, you can go ahead on in. No one will really notice.”

Girl #3: “Wow, thanks!”

(They spend about an hour in the pool, and act normally. About thirty minutes after they leave, I’m approached by my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Did you let someone under eighteen in the therapy pool?”

Me: “Yes, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Was it?”

Supervisor: “No, it really wasn’t. However, the one that was seventeen complained about you.”

Me: “Are you f****** serious? I let her get in with her friends and she complains about me? Sheesh.”

Supervisor: *laughs* “Yes, I know. Frankly, I was appalled and told her to get out of the facility.”

(I couldn’t believe that she did that. The nerve of some people! I should have kicked her out.)

Has A Rock Solid Murder Plan

| CA, USA | Right | September 20, 2016

(I work as a swim teacher at my local swimming pool. My first lesson on a Saturday morning is two brothers, about three and four years old.)

Me: “Now, you want to move your arms like this, to pull the water!” *demonstrates*

Four-Year Old: *excitedly* “If I killed my brother with a rock in a river, the rock would be too heavy and drag me under, too!”

Me: “Okay… let’s work on some kicks.”

(Apart from this incident and occasionally hugging each other like koala bears, those two were great students!)

Wait Until You’re 21 Tall

| NY, USA | Right | September 16, 2016

(This is my third year as a lifeguard at the local town pool. I am currently up on the stand overlooking the dive tank, which is 13 feet deep. A young boy, no more than six years old, walks up to me and this conversation ensues.)

Young Boy: “Mister?”

Me: “Hi, buddy, can I help you?”

Young Boy: “How deep is this?”

Me: “It’s 13 feet deep.”

Young Boy: “How deep is 13 feet?”

(We actually get this question a lot, so I usually compare it to the person’s height to give them a frame of reference.)

Me: “How tall are you?”

Young Boy: *after a couple seconds of intense thought* “Eight.”

Me: “You’re eight tall?”

Young Boy: *after a couple more seconds of intense thought* “Sometimes.”

Me: “Okay. You can’t stand in the water.”

Young Boy: “Oh, okay.” *walks away*

The Devil’s In The Details

| Stoughton, WI, USA | Friendly | September 12, 2016

(I buy a local pool pass for my whole family but they are so busy they never come out with me and my daughter, so I just have friends join me. They are usually male. I never talk about my job and very few people know what I do.)

Me: *to the check in lady* “Three under pass 69.”

Friend: “Seriously?”

(Later I got a text reminding me to pay a bill.)

Me: “I need to pay this quickly. Sorry!” *on phone* “Yes, my Social Security number is [bunch of numbers] 666.”

(I get off the phone and see my friend looking me up and down.)

Me: “What?”

Friend: “You don’t say where you work; you leave for foreign countries all the time! Now your pool pass is 69 and you have 666 in your Social Security number!”

Me: “Yeah? And?”

Friend: “I knew it. You are the devil in disguise.”

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