I’ve been teaching in our local swimming pool for about twenty-five years now. I’ve been blessed/cursed with youthful looks. Many children and parents gasp when they hear I am over forty years old.

The cursed part comes with parents and other adults sometimes not taking me seriously, until they hear my age, and sometimes after hearing my qualifications. They often ask for a second opinion from another teacher, who is heading towards their pension, but has been teaching swimming for not even five years.

Currently, our pool is being remodelled, with a large part being demolished and rebuilt. Only two pools are available, with four big group-changing rooms and four smaller one-person-changing rooms. The big rooms are: father and sons (and adult men), father and daughter, mother and son, and mother and daughter (and adult women). This remodelling has been going on for a year already, with these changing rooms for all.

Lessons have ended, and it’s crowded with children heading to the changing rooms to go home, and new students are coming in. At the same time, two women enter the hallway as well (there’s a special adult class). Only one does the talking, the other remains silent the entire time. They seem pension age, but I’m terrible at guessing ages myself. Grey hair, lots of wrinkles.

Woman: “And here’s the changing rooms for the kids… And here are the changing rooms for… ugh, they are taken! How rude! In my time, teachers were a lot stricter! Well, now we’re forced to undress in the hallway!”

A child has finished changing and leaves the single changing room. The woman spots this, grabs her clothes, but she’s slow, and another child has already taken the single changing room. The child never saw the woman eyeing that changing room; I don’t blame her one bit.

Woman: “How rude! Really! If I had been a teacher, I would’ve said something about it!”

She goes on for about another minute about how rude the children are and that the single rooms should be adults only. I’ve had enough, hearing her badmouth the students who have done nothing wrong.

Me: “The changing rooms are for everyone.”

Woman: “Yes, for adults!”

Me: “For adults and children. Anyone can use them, and they are doing nothing wrong.”

Woman: “In my time, teachers were a lot stricter!”

Me: “They are doing nothing wrong. You are most welcome in the bigger changing rooms.”

Woman: “But I don’t want to! They are so crowded and I don’t like being there!”

Me: “And so do some of the children! Not everyone likes the big rooms.”

Woman: “They should have more available!”

Me: “They are still being built! This is just how things are at this moment; they can’t build it any faster.”

Woman: “Well, in my time, teachers were a lot stricter!”

Me: “Yes, and nowadays, we treat children equal to adults!”

Woman: “What does a wench—” *’wicht’; a young girl* “—like you know about proper respect?!”

Me: “This ‘wench’ is over forty years old, and I will not treat my students as if they are less than an adult.”

Woman: “I need my privacy!”

She is still undressing in the hallway to the changing rooms! She clearly wore her bathing suit under her clothes, so no scandalous skin could be seen during this encounter.

Me: “So do they!”

I walked away. I heard her wail about ‘teachers in her day’ and filing a complaint. I went to the reception and informed them about in the possible ‘incoming complaint’. They were looking forward to it.

And we are all looking forward to more single-changing rooms!

I’m working as a lifeguard at a neighborhood outdoor pool during a hot summer weekend. It’s packed, with kids everywhere and the sound of splash battles nonstop.

A woman marches up to the lifeguard stand, arms crossed, clearly not having the day she imagined.

Customer: “Excuse me. There are children splashing in the water.”

Me: “Yup… that does tend to happen in pools.”

Customer: “Well, I came here to relax, not to get wet. They’re splashing near my chair.”

Me: “You’re seated next to the shallow end. That’s usually the splashiest zone.”

Customer: “Then do something. Isn’t that what you’re here for?”

Me: “I’m here to make sure nobody drowns, ma’am.”

Customer: *With a dramatic sigh.* “This would never happen at the Four Seasons.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you want dry peace and quiet, may I suggest literally anywhere but a neighborhood outdoor pool during summer break?”

She tried to find someone higher up to complain to, until she realized I’m employed by the HOA, of which she is a member. Later, the head of the HOA told me her grievance was essentially “You’re basically complaining that water is wet,” and was told to go to a spa if she was that bothered by it.

I’m a lifeguard at an outdoor pool.

Me: “Okay, we have a lightning warning, so everyone needs to get out of the pool. You can all get back in when the warning is over.”

Most people start getting out of the pool. Most. A woman is continuing to play with her child.

Me: “Ma’am, you and your child need to get out of the pool.”

Woman: “But we just got in!”

Me: “There’s nothing I can do, ma’am. There’s a lighting warning.”

Woman: “Well if you see any lightning coming down just let us know and we’ll get out.”

Me: “…I won’t be able to do that, ma’am, the lightning moves too fast. You know what also moves fast? Police cars on their way here when I tell them about someone recklessly putting a child in danger.”

She got out. There was no lightning but her glaring at me was thunderous.

I used to sell pool and hot tub chemicals. A part of the job is testing customers’ pool or hot tub water to see what chemicals they needed.

If you don’t take care of your pool or check it often, you need a lot of chemicals to fix the mess you’ve made, particularly if you use chlorine pucks. They generally have such a low pH level that it burns away at your heater coil and causes you to have copper in your water.

A couple of years ago, a customer came up to me to test their pool water. It was a complete mess, and it had a bunch of copper it in.

Me: “The main issue is that your pH is so low that it’s making your chlorine less effective, and you have copper in your water.”

Customer: “Yeah, just get me the stuff I need to fix it.”

I go and grab all the chemicals he needs and put them on the counter.

Customer: “How much is all of this going to cost?”

Me: “Around $250.”

Customer: “I’m not paying that much. Is all of this really necessary?”

Me: “Yes. You won’t be able to hold chlorine. And you need to get the copper out. If you oxidize copper with a shock, it’s going to stain parts of your pool and can even tint your hair green if you have recently dyed blonde hair.”

Customer: “My daughter is having a pool party next weekend, and I just want the pool to have chlorine for then.”

Me: “Yes, and you need all of this to make sure you’re good to go.”

Customer: “Can you just put everything away and only give me the chlorine?”

Me: “Fine.”

I’m not going to argue. I don’t work on commission.

A couple of days later, the customer’s wife came in. It was subtle, but I could tell her hair had a funny tint to it. She asked for all the chemicals that I had recommended to her husband, and she paid with zero hesitation. The husband never came in again, and his wife took care of the pool from that moment forward. The next time the wife came in, it looked like her hair had been dyed the original blonde colour.

I work as a lifeguard at my local pool.

Customer: “Excuse me? I’m just wondering what you do with the pool water at night?”

Me: “Like, where do we put it?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “It stays in the pool until tomorrow… when we use the pool again.”

Customer: “Isn’t that a bit disgusting?”

Me: “The water is pumped through cleaning and filtration systems and goes through regular chemical balancing to keep it clean.”

Customer: “Can’t you just replace it every night?”

Me: “The pool is over 130,000 gallons, ma’am.”

Customer: “Just keep the faucet running overnight! It’s not hard!”