All’s Fair In Love And Water-Gun War

At my town pool, they have three pools. There is the Swimming Pool, which is for lap swimming, water polo, and all those games. The second, known as the Baby Pool, is the smallest. Since you have to be at least four years old to go into the Swimming Pool, the toddlers are allowed to play in the small, easily watchable Baby Pool.

The final pool — the Splash Pool — is where this situation went down. This pool is full of cool blue and white structures that spray out water. It is the only pool that accepts water gun use, although there is “Peace Time” twice per day: Toddler Time and the first hour of opening. The first hour of opening is self-explanatory, but Toddler Time is when parents can allow their little ones to play without the fear of them being caught in the crossfire.

During wars, there are typically two “Clans” who took up territory and roleplay total destruction. My little brother and I usually get a good set of teammates due to the fact that we always carry big double-barreled-shotgun-like sprayers. On the day of this encounter, my friend was with us, using a big Super Soaker AR with multiple firing types. We had another teammate who only had a basic pistol, but I had played with him before and he had good tactics.

On the other Clan were two kids [Kid #1] and [Kid #2] with some pretty cool Super Soakers. They needed some more people, so when [Kid #3] and [Kid #4] came from the Swimming Pool, they handed them some basic foam push guns. Due to their soft padding, they were also used as batons for close-quarters combat, and it was always a good complimentary weapon when used correctly. Of course, with our pistol-wielding clansmen, we had ditched the batons. The war started, and almost immediately [Kid #3] and [Kid #4] charged at us with their guns held baton-style. [Kid #4] was shot in the face and started screaming. His friend got hit as well and stopped, trying to call a timeout. Their teammate came from behind them, confused.

Kid #4: “WHO SHOT ME?”

Friend: “Me. Why’d you call a timeout?”

Kid #3: “BECAUSE YOU SHOT MY FRIEND IN THE FACE!”

Little Brother: “Why wasn’t he wearing goggles? It’s his fault if he wasn’t.”

Kid #4: “SHUT UP! YOU GUYS ARE STUPID LITTLE PIECES OF S*** WITH YOUR STUPID GUNS!”

[Kid #4] started hitting my brother with his gun, and [Kid #1] and [Kid #2] yanked his and [Kid #3]’s guns away.

Kid #1: “You guys are terrible at the game! Go away!”

Kid #2: “You guys are also mean. We don’t want babies.”

[Kid #4] and [Kid #3] left the pool, [Kid #4] still crying, and they walked back toward the Swimming Pool. We started setting up a game with three teams of two, but before we could start playing, we heard a woman yelling at us. We looked in the direction of the voice to see a woman with [Kid #3] and [Kid #4] in tow. It was [Kid #3]’s mom.

Mom: “WHO HURT MY SON AND HIS FRIEND?!”

Me: “No one! They should have been wearing goggles if they didn’t want to get hit in the face!”

Mom: “What do you mean?! Why would my son be hit in the first place?!”

Me: “We were playing with our water guns. They were on a team and were shot. That’s the point of the game.”

Kid #3: “No! He’s lying! They shot us when we were minding our own business!”

Kid #1: “Hey, that’s not true! You guys were f—”

Mom: “You think it’s funny to attack my son?! Give me your weapon, now!”

She tried grabbing for my gun, and [Little Brother] just sprayed her.

Mom: “YOU BRAT! DON’T TOUCH ME!”

Me: “Stay back!”

I started thinking of the worst thing I could say and found a good word.

Me: “Stay back, b****!”

Mom: “EXCUSE ME?! THAT’S IT! WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?!”

Me: “They aren’t here. They dropped us off! Leave us be, or I’ll spray you again!”

Mom: “Wow! Your parents aren’t here to chaperone in a pool! That’s very dangerous. I will call the police because I guess you are being neglected by them!”

She thought she had won, and she started to walk away. [Friend] and I, figuring this was over, started playing Rock Paper Scissors. [Mom] looked over her shoulder and saw us.

Mom: “What are you doing?!”

Friend: “Playing a game.”

Mom: “No! You are insulting me!”

[Mom] started trudging toward us in the water, and [Little Brother] sprayed her again. She got up close to [Little Brother] and started yanking the gun away from him. Some nearby man started screaming at [Mom], telling her to stop. She ignored him until a whistle was blown. Then, she looked at the man. He had his shirt off and was wearing red pants that said “Lifeguard” on them, and he had a whistle in his mouth.

Mom: “HELP ME! THESE VIOLENT CHILDREN ARE ATTACKING ME!”

Lifeguard: “No. They were playing with water guns. Toddler Time was an hour ago, so there is no reason they can’t play. Those boys did agree to play. I’m asking you to leave the pool, now!”

Mom: “NO! THAT’S NOT FAIR!”

The lifeguard walked over to his chair and grabbed a walkie-talkie. He called for pool management staff. A minute later, an employee was there with two other lifeguards, and they forced [Mom], [Kid #3], and [Kid #4] to pick up their items and leave.

We found two new kids to play with us and continued our war until closing time.