I worked at a franchise gym. We had to give every prospective client a tour because it was part of our “secret shopper” score. I was showing one lady the stationary bikes.

Customer: “How do you stop it when you want to get off?”

Me: “You just… stop pedaling.”

Customer: “You can… do that?”

Me: “Well, they don’t pedal for you.” *Laughs.*

Customer: “They don’t? Then what’s the point?!”

A few years back, I’m swimming with my three-year-old son. We had the pool to ourselves apart from one other lady.

The pool is L-shaped, split into the main bit with lanes, and a square bit that was notionally the kids’ pool, but only because it’s shallower.

My son was learning to swim without armbands, and so we were in the wide lane, while the lady was swimming in the narrow lane, labelled Adults Only.

After one length of my son swimming a whole length with me encouraging him, she says:

Lady: “You can’t swim here; this is adults only.”

Bull-s*** lady, you’re in the adults-only bit. Except, I can’t say that in front of my very eloquent three-year-old.

Me: “It’s just your lane that’s adults only, look, there’s the sign. My son is learning to swim lengths.”

She starts ranting at me about how she pays her membership fees (so do I, funnily enough) and I’m wrong (check the sign) and basically having a tantrum.

Lady, I’m Mum to a three-year-old. I can handle this behaviour, and I’m gonna speak to you exactly as I would to my child, probably in the same tone of voice, because I’m in Mummy mode, and my son is listening.

Me: “I can see you’re upset about this, but I’m very sorry, we are allowed to swim here.”

She rants a bit more, and I very calmly gentle parent her, until she eventually sputters and tells me:

Lady: “Shut up!”

And flounces off.

Son: “Mummy! She just told you to shut up! That’s so rude!”

I made no effort to speak quietly and said:

Me: “Yes, it really was. She was cross because she couldn’t get her own way. But you’re right, it’s very rude to say that to someone.”

We then proceeded to swim a good few more lengths, and I very vocally and cheerfully encouraged him the whole time.

Went to the front desk after to double-check I was right (I was). Apparently, she’d also been to complain and been told to suck it up.

The gym I work at was originally started as a tax-subsidized gym for the elderly or injured, but we also have some heavy weights. The gym attendees are roughly one-third elderly, one-third rehab patients, and one-third serious lifters. We have strict rules to maintain a pleasant atmosphere, since it is intended as a place for health rather than ‘gainz’.

I was teaching a lady in her seventies how to deadlift (20 kgs, by order of her physical therapist) when I noticed some loud teens. They had occupied far too many racks and dumbbells, dropped weights with a lot of noise, and grunted with almost cartoonish sounds. They also meandered around, grunting and flexing, to the annoyance of everyone around.

I told them to pipe down and to follow our rules, but they told me to f*** off. I had to escalate to my manager, so I went back to my client:

Me: “Sorry, I’m going to have to make you wait for a bit. I have to handle the teens over there; it might take a while. Are you okay with waiting?”

Lady: “Ah, see, I have a tournament after this.”

Me: “Then we might need to reschedule. On the house, of course.”

Lady: “F*** no. Watch me.”

She instantly switched to looking very frail and hobbled over to the teens. In a very quavering, but quite loud, voice, she said:

Lady: “Excuse me?”

Teen: “Yeah?”

Lady: “Could I perhaps offer you a laxative?” *Rummages through her purse.*

Teen: “What? No!”

Lady: “Well, you are grunting a lot and sort of wandering around looking so very poop-faced, like you need to poop, and I thought I would help.”

Teen: “We don’t need that!”

Lady: “Then why are you grunting and slamming weights and walking around so much? There are many better ways to poop. Have a laxative!” *Holds out a bottle of pills.*

Another old lady hobbled up, rummaging through her purse.

Other Lady: “That’s no good, that’s too strong for these little boys. I think I have some half-strength laxatives here.”

Lady: “Oh, good point!”

The teens looked like they would die from embarrassment, so they packed up and left as quickly as they could. The old lady returned and finished her exercises. She could leave for her tournament on time.

What tournament? Mario Kart with her grandchildren at the local game store, of course. I hope to be her one day.

Our store sells home gyms and exercise equipment. A customer wanders over to me, red and sweaty.

Customer: “I came here to buy a treadmill, but none of them are working!”

Me: “That’s odd, I was doing a demonstration with one just this morning.”

I walk over to the treadmills with her and turn one on.

Customer: “Oh, wait… it… moved on its own?”

Me: “Uh… yes? You set the speed and elevation on these controls here.”

It was then I realised that she just stepped on all the treadmills without powering them on and was just… forcing that sucker to move through sheer force.

For context, I went to a fitness and community center with a popular four-letter song in 2025. I used to swim laps for health, and afterwards I would take a dip in the men’s locker-room hot tub. Nowadays, I don’t go to this center because I exercise at home, but this event felt like the world trying to push me in that direction.

I had just gotten done with my swimming and had just gotten in the hot tub. There was a timer for the bubbles, and I usually just set it to ten minutes, wait for the bubbles, and leave. So now I’m in the tub, and in comes another guy who sits across from me.

We end up striking up a conversation about dieting and what we are doing and stuff, a normal hot tub discussion. At one point, there was a lapse in talking, and then the guy dropped this:

Guy: “Hey, are you Christian?”

Me: “Yeah?” *I’m not.*

Guy: “Well, with all this stuff going on in the news, how are you preparing for the end of the world?”

Me: *Regretting my life choices.* “Well, I mean, I just do what I can, I guess.”

Guy: “Yeah, well, it’s good that you’re exercising, it will help prepare you for the coming storm.”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

After that, I found an excuse to leave the tub and did. Seriously, who decides that a hot tub when I’m half naked and unable to easily leave is the best time to talk about the end times?