I work at a college. The school has just opened a new parking lot.

Biology Professor: “I decided to park in the new lot, and get this: they left a huge rock right next to the entrance. I almost swiped it when I pulled in. I’m going to ask facilities to remove it.”

After lunch:

Biology Professor: “Well, I went out for lunch, and the rock was already gone! Guess I’m not the only one who noticed. Honestly, I should have more faith in [School].”

A little later, a student bursts into the office.

Student: “Hey, [Biology Professor]! Know anything about snapping turtles? There’s a huge one wandering around the new lot and security doesn’t know how to make it move!”

After the turtle has been evicted:

Biology Professor: “I just put two and two together. The rock that wasn’t there… The snapping turtle… I don’t have faith in [School] anymore.”

Me: “You’re the one who thought it was a rock!”

Biology Professor: “Fine. I also don’t have faith in my optometrist.”

I used to work in a pretty nice pet store that, like many others, sold betta fish. Once a week or so, we’d switch all the bettas from their old, dirty cups into clean new ones. As anyone who’s had fish or worked in a pet store can tell you, catching a slippery little fish in a three-inch-by-three-inch cube is surprisingly challenging.

One evening, I’m moving the fish into their new cups, and one is being just PARTICULARLY difficult. At this point, I think it’s only my coworker and me in the store. I’m muttering to myself as I chase the fish with the little net scoop.

Me: “Get in the net… in the net… in the net… in the— I AM YOUR GOD, FISH!”

I hear unfamiliar laughter behind me and freeze. Slowly, I turn around and see a customer I hadn’t noticed standing at the cash register, obviously amused by my little outburst. My coworker is grinning at me. I’m a little embarrassed, but I laugh.

Me: “Well, it’s true!”

Customer: “No, no, I get it. it’s just really funny!”

All bettas were eventually successfully transferred to clean cups without further incident.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t serve you at the drive-thru.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not?!”

Me: “You’re really going to make me say it?”

Customer: “Why can’t I be served in the drive-thru?!”

Me: “Because you’re on a horse, sir.”

Customer: “That’s discrimination!”

Me: “I can only serve customers in a vehicle, sir, not on an animal.”

Customer: “What if I said it was a seeing-eye horse?”

I went into a very large feed store for the very first time and was a little overwhelmed by the size of the place. A clerk directed me to the medications, and I was looking through them when two women in their early thirties spotted me and walked over.

Woman #1: “Excuse me, but I’m looking for something for my horse. He has [some sort of problem that I don’t remember] with [some piece of horse anatomy that’s unknown to me].”

Me: “Sorry, but I don’t work here.”

Woman #1: “But you’re standing there in front of the medicines!”

Me: “I’m shopping. I don’t work here, sorry.”

The women left for a few minutes and then returned.

Woman #1: “We’ve decided that since we thought you worked here, you need to help us anyway.” 

[Woman #2] nodded.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t know anything about horses. If you need help, you will need to ask somebody who works here.”

Woman #1: “But I can’t find anybody, and you’re here. What’s that in your hand?”

Me: “It’s something to stop feather plucking in chickens.”

Woman #1: “Does it help horses?”

Me: “Whaaaaat?!”

[Woman #1] gave a loud sigh.

Woman #1: “We need help with our horse. Will any of these help?”

She pointed to the shelf.

Me: “I don’t know anything about treating horses. Maybe you could call your vet. They might be able to help you.”

Woman #1: “But vets cost money, and they’d probably want us to bring him in.”

[Woman #2] nodded again.

Woman #1: “Just tell me what you think will help.”

Me: “But I don’t work here, and I don’t know anything about treating horses.”

I decided to walk away and come back later. Maybe they would find something for their horse’s problem and I would be able to shop in peace. A little while later, I returned to the same aisle and it was empty. Now to get a few things for the chickens. But nope. They spotted me and headed back for another round.

Woman #1: “Look, we need something for our horse. If you didn’t know anything about medicines, you wouldn’t be in this aisle. We don’t want to call the vet because that’s expensive, and we’re not taking him in. If you don’t know, why don’t you call somebody who does?”

Woman #2: “Yeah, we can’t afford that. We’re not going to the vet. We just need some medicine for him.”

Me: “You want me to call a vet for you?! It sounds like you need to call your vet. Maybe they could advise you over the phone — because I don’t know anything about treating horses! I am here looking for stuff for my chickens, and I know nothing about treating horses!“

A clerk must have heard me raise my voice because he came over. The women immediately went over to him, complaining because their horse needed help, I wouldn’t help them, and they did not want to pay for a vet.

I headed straight for the registers. I just hope that poor horse got the help he needed.

My long-time girlfriend of eight years recently passed away. I’ve stayed close with her parents in the weeks and months since.

One day, I’m over at her house helping her parents with some stuff. In the family living room, they have several couches and chairs in a semi-circular set-up centered around the TV. Seats were first-come, first-serve, but everyone had their unofficial-official seat.

Girlfriend’s Dad: “We’ve been thinking about who should take over [Girlfriend]’s seat. We thought you would be the perfect heir to it if you want.”

Me: “Sure, that would be great!”

Just then, we hear clawing at the back door and see my girlfriend’s cat standing outside, begging to be let in. I go and open the door for her. The cat races in and jumps into my girlfriend’s seat, looks at me and meows, and then settles in for a nap.

Me: “I think [Girlfriend] just established who the heir to her seat is, and I guess it’s not me.”

Girlfriend’s Dad: “Guess not.”