Back in the early 2000s, my mother used to host day trips through our local community college, meant for people in their 60s and above. If there are more than 10 people, she asks me to drive the college’s second van, since I work for the college as well, and have had the safety course. We’re almost to our destination point when we miss our turn off, and are forced to leave the highway to take an underpass. However, at the red light, I get separated from her.

She calls me on my cell phone to give me directions. Unbeknownst to me, my brother has changed my usual ringtone from a generic ring to “Kyle’s Mom is a Big Fat B****” from South Park. The song floods the small van. What’s worse is, because I’m driving, I can’t stop the phone ringing, I can’t pick up, and I can only sit there in horror as the song stops… then picks up again.

I hurriedly stop, grab my phone during the third call to answer my mom, and get safely to our destination. As my group, all elderly women, exits the vehicle, one of them says, “I’m going to pray for you,” and refuses to ride back with me on the trip home. Years later, and I still slap my brother upside the head when I think about it.

(It’s the Sunday before Halloween. As our store hours are shorter on Sundays, the store owners have allowed all the employees to dress up in costume and play PG movies on the television in the dining area. My best friend and I are dressed up as Sarah Williams and Jareth the Goblin King from the 1986 film “Labyrinth.” About twenty minutes into the film, I’m approached by a customer and her friend. She glances at the movie, sizes up my Jareth costume, and immediately breaks out into song:)

Customer: “You remind me of the babe!”

Me: *elated* “What babe?”

Customer: “The babe with the power!”

Me: “What power?”

Customer: “The power of Voodoo!”

Me: “Who do?”

Customer: “You do!”

Me: “Do what?”

Customer: “Remind me of the babe!”

Me: *laughing* “That just made my day! You’re definitely my favorite customer! Would you like a free cookie?”

Customer: *still smiling* “Chocolate chip, please!”

Customer’s Friend: “I don’t get it…”

Coworker: “It’s from the movie we have playing.” *gestures at the TV*

Customer’s Friend: *pointing at our coworker in the back, who works in production* “Is she from the movie, too…?”

Me: “No, she’s dressed up as Mrs. Lovette from ‘Sweeney Todd’.”

Customer: *chuckles* “I hope she didn’t bake my cookie.”

Customer’s Friend: *still confused* “Who…?”

Me: “She… bakes people into pies.”

Customer’s Friend: *horrified* “And you’re letting her work in the BACK?!”

This story is part of our Halloween roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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The ‘South Park’ movie has just come out in theaters, including the theater where I am working. There is no single, key, specific bad customer here; just countless under-age kids trying to sneak in, to the point where corporate office sent a notation that all theaters must post someone inside the door for every showing.

I am the youngest employee, and in fact, one of the only ones who is not old enough to be a parent or grandparent.

As everyone else on the staff actively dislikes South Park, three guesses as to who gets stationed to stand just inside the entry to that theater, day after day, eight hour shift after eight hour shift.

Without meaning to, I have memorized much of the d*** film and can quote dialogue verbatim. Kind of ruined the show for me, and set me on the path of hating bratty, entitled customers. I also heard of a guy at another theater doing the same job who got maced for not letting a middle-school kid into the movie when she tried to sneak in.

(I am on my way to work early morning when an older black woman in an electric wheelchair approaches.)

Woman: “Excuse me, can you help? My chair is low on power and I need to get to an appointment. Could you push my wheelchair as it doesn’t have enough power to get up the curb ramps of the sidewalks. It’s only a few blocks.”

(The few blocks turns out to be a little over half a mile in the heart of Skid Row, where the sidewalks are blocked by people living in tents or just on the sidewalks themselves, out in the open. What is left of the charge in her chair gives out about halfway to her destination. If you’ve ever tried pushing an electric wheelchair with no charge, you know it’s like pushing a car with no tires or rims. When we get to the destination she offers me $5 for helping her.)

Woman: “Here, take this.”

Me: “No, hold onto it in case you need it later.”

(There are several people already at the clinic gate, waiting for it to be opened. They see me, a pasty older white guy pushing the lady in her chair. After I wish her a good day and good luck, one of the other people waiting in line yells to me:)

Person: “Hey, Miss Daisy! You’re doing it wrong!”

(I thought I would pee my pants from laughing!)

(I have a girlfriend whom I only get to see about once a month due to distance. When together, one of the things we do is catch up on “The Big Bang Theory” on the DVR. Usually, I “drive” the remote and fast-forward through the commercials, trying to hit “play” again right before the show resumes. Often there’s a pattern to what types of commercials happen in what order, but this pattern has apparently recently changed, and so I’m not hitting “play” in the right places.)

Me: “Usually, I can hit the end of the commercials right on, but it seems like they’ve changed the pattern they use to program them. That’s not right.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I just sounded disturbingly like Sheldon right now, didn’t I?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, and I’m ignoring you just like Leonard.”

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