An A-malling Lack Of Comprehension

, , , , | Right | July 14, 2020

I’m straightening up the store for the night right at closing time. Two teenage girls are still browsing the section I’m in.

Intercom: “Attention, shoppers, the mall is now closed. Please make your purchases and head to the nearest exit. Thank you for shopping at [Mall].”

Girl: *To her friend* “Does that mean we have to leave?”

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You Know What Happens When Mama’s Not Happy…

, , , , , , , | Working | July 13, 2020

I’m the author of the story Oh, Brother!. I am driving down the way that the old restaurant used to be and notice that a new place has opened up: a new Italian place, even, with a sign very similar to the old one. I’m curious at the odds of an Italian business so like the old one opening up, so I go to walk inside, and I’m stunned to see the brothers there working. 

They see me, they obviously recognize me, and they give me a big, genuine smile. I feel like I’ve walked into another universe, so I go up and ask what’s up and if they’ve decided to try again.

One of them laughs kind of uncomfortably and looks back towards the kitchen and then leans in and whispers, “Mama heard our fighting ruined our business and came to America just to kick our a**es and make us work together again.”

Just then, a frail, old Italian lady hobbles out of the kitchen, smiles at me, and asks her sons if they’ve taken my order in one of the sweetest, gentlest voices I’ve heard.

I decide to go ahead and get something to support the new business. All three are nothing but genuinely polite to me, and I end up wishing them the best and heading home. The food is better than what they were making when I was working at the old place and it’s so delicious I end up making it a frequent stop for dinner. And it stays open for longer than four months this time. 

Moral of the story: there is no force of nature that’s more terrifying and more capable of stopping familial conflict than an enraged Italian matriarch.

This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!

Read the next July 2020 Roundup story!

Read the July 2020 Roundup!

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At Least Alexa Is Nicer Than Bender

, , , , , , , | Related | June 29, 2020

I’ve been working from home during the health crisis and apparently, Alexa is over my crap. This happens after I have her pause my music to take a call.

Me: “Alexa, resume.”

Alexa: “No.”

Daughter: “The robot uprising has begun.”

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Unfiltered Story #193771

, , , | Unfiltered | May 4, 2020

(I am a night auditor at a hotel near downtown. Across the street is a small chain fast food restaurant that sells burgers, BBQ, chicken, hot dogs, etc. A large group of about 6 or 7 come back from drinking downtown all night and decide in the lobby that they want some burgers. One of the more clearly drunk men decides to wait for his order in the lobby and takes a seat on the opposite end from where the front desk is. About 5 minutes after his group goes to the fast food joint, this happens).


Me: I’m sorry sir, I’m not to leave the lobby unless it is an emergency.

Drunk Guest: No! GET ME A F****** BURGER! NOW!

Me: SIr, I think the rest of your group is across the street now, getting food. They shouldn’t be gone too much longer.

Drunk Guest: Go up to my room now! Get me a beer and bring me a f****** burger! NOW S***HEAD!

(At this point I’m very annoyed, but I’m also a pretty patient guy, so I try to be nice one more time).

Me: Sir, I’ve told you once already, I’m not to leave the lobby unless it’s an emergency. You’re group should be back before too long though.

Drunk Guest: I SAID GET ME A F****** BURGER F****** NOW! F***! DO IT NOW!!!

(I have now lost all patience)

Me: No.

Drunk Guest: Why the f*** not?!

Me: I am not your personal delivery service. I will not go get you a burger, and you can either wait for the rest of your group, or you can keep harassing me and I can evict you. If you refuse to go, I can call police who will kindly escort you off the property. What’s it gonna be?

Drunk Guest: You need to fix your f****** attitude a**hole!

(The guest then left the lobby and went up to his room. The best part: the rest of his group returned a few minutes later and he wouldn’t answer his phone to come down and get his burger, so they gave it to me. Karma never tasted better)

Serving Sonic

, , , , , , , | Right | March 27, 2020

While cashiering, I have a break in customers and work on some straightening. When I next look up, I see a couple going over their items with a woman cradling her substantial amount of fabric. Then, I see something that looks like a tiny paw reach out. I am too far away to be sure, but I assume it has to be a kitten to be that small. 

They soon come up to my register as I’m the only cashier open, and I ask for the fabric ticket to scan, as well as the usual customer service questions. Just as I’m asking them how their evening is going, the woman sets down the fabric and it rustles. She asks me if I want to see their new baby and starts to uncover the top of this vague fabric nest.

A hedgehog perks up and, within a moment, attempts to dash across my register!

The woman catches her pet before it can get too far away or come to any harm, and thankfully, she holds on to it in the fabric for the rest of the short transaction, both her and her partner pleased and friendly the whole time. It is hardly a bad experience but decidedly one of the stranger things to have ever crossed my register.

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