(My coworker comes up and asks if the mail’s been sent out yet. I tell her it hasn’t, and she hands me a small cardboard envelope.)

Coworker: “Can you mail this out, please?”

Me: *taking it* “Sure. Ooh, it’s squishy.”

Coworker: “Yeah.” *laughs* “It’s a fecal sample.”

(With a look of horror, I drop the envelope on my desk, wildly wiping my hands off*.)

Coworker: *laughing* “It’s in something!”

Me: “Not enough somethings! God, [Coworker]!”

(Granted, I didn’t get anything on me, and it was perfectly sealed, but still! Warn a girl, jeez!)

(This little girl around seven years of age comes into our store with her mother. I spot them and joke with my fellow coworker, telling her she should take this order.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], this one’s all you.”

Coworker: “Nah, dude. It’s your turn.”

(I reluctantly agree and step up to the register to take their order. The little girl speaks in an extremely condescending tone. It seems she heard what I said to my coworker.)

Girl: “I agree; you should let her do it.”

(I do a double-take, a little shocked.)

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Girl: “You told her she should take my order. I agree. Let her do it.”

(The little brat’s mother doesn’t care at all about how her daughter is speaking to me. As my coworker is taking their order, the little girl continues to make rude, snide remarks.)

Coworker: *after taking the mother’s order, now speaking to the daughter* “All right, and what can I get for you?”

Girl: “Nothing. Your food sucks. I think I’ll stick to [Other Fast Food Chain], thanks.”

(I just walked away, shaking my head. This girl couldn’t have been more than seven years old, and she was treating both my coworker and me like she was our superior.)

(My family has always been accident-prone, especially my brother and me. When he gets married and they start having a family, I decide to warn my sister-in-law.)

Me: “Are you sure you want to do this? Just so you know, my brother has the Mother’s Curse. ‘May you have children like yourself so you know what it’s like.’”

Sister-In-Law: “Oh, it’s worse than that. I have the Mother’s Curse, too. So it’s doubled!

(Fast forward several years and four kids later. At a family gathering, my sister-in-law explains all of the times in the last year that her children have been in Urgent Care from accidental injuries.)

Sister: *referring to my experience after an injury that required repeated medical interventions* “Well, as long as the ER nurses don’t know you by name, I think you’re doing just fine.”

Sister-In-Law: “Well, they don’t know us by name, but they sort of recognize us now.”

(On a later date, my brother is joking with our father:)

Brother: “Last time we took a kid in, I told the intake nurse, ‘[Family Name], party of six. We have a reservation?’”

(And recently, after a particularly eventful month:)

Brother: “We have our own examination room!”

(I work at the front desk and I am currently printing off some documents for another department. Our technology, including this printer, is known to be cranky sometimes. I have to clear yet another paper jam, and I smack the back door to close it, otherwise it doesn’t close right. This results in a fairly loud crashing sound.)

Boss: *pops her head out of her nearby office* “What happened?!”

Me: “It’s okay; it’s just me putting the fear of God into the printer.”

Boss: “Oh, good. Carry on.” *leaves*

(I’m a fairly capable technical person, but sometimes a good smack upside the door is all it takes to fix it. And yes, it’s working now; it learned its lesson.)

(I work in a coffee shop. It’s a slow night and I’m keeping an eye on the front counter. My friend has stopped by and we end up talking for a minute when a woman comes in and joins our conversation. At the end of our conversation, this scene comes into play:)

Woman: “Hey, can I ask you something?”

Me: “Sure! What can I do for you?”

(She leans in over the counter a little and glances around to see if anyone is watching.)

Woman: “I need five dollars. Do you have any on you?”

Me: “Um… No, I don’t have anything on me. What do you need five dollars for?”

Woman: *casually, as if there’s nothing weird about this scenario* “I just needed some money to buy a soda.”

Me: “Oh, you mean for here?”

(Our drinks are about a dollar plus tax, and I notice she only has a dollar with her. Right before I’m about to offer to pay for her drink, she cuts me off.)

Woman: “No, I wanted to get a pop from [Store down the block]. Are you sure you don’t have any money?” *she leans over and peers into the tip jar beside her* “I wouldn’t want you to take anything from the tip jar or the register, because [Manager who isn’t there] would probably rip you a new one.”

(At this point, I’m freaked out and annoyed at her persistence, even though I have told her four times that I don’t have money on me and I’m not giving her money from the tip jar or the register.)

Woman: “Well, are you sure you don’t have any in your coat pocket?”

Me: “I don’t. I’m broke.”

Woman: “Can you go look?”

(I hesitated, thinking she was going to steal from the tip jar while I’m away, but thankfully my friend had been standing behind the woman the entire time and kept an eye on her while I went back and talked to my coworker, who was also the acting manager for the evening. I explained what was going on, and she came back with me to try and get the woman to leave. As soon as the woman saw my coworker, she acted like nothing had happened and left. Apparently this woman is a known drinker and frequently comes around trying to bum money off of people. She’s even shown up at my coworker’s house!)