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Meaty Political Issues

, , , , , | Right | November 26, 2010

(One of the meats we offer is a barbecued shredded beef, which we refer to as barbacoa.)

Customer: “I’ll take a burrito with Barack Obama.”

Me: “One burrito with barbacoa coming up.”

Customer: “What’d you call it?”

Me: “Barbacoa.”

Customer: “Oh, thank God. I’m a Republican.”

Not Much Food For Thought

, , , | Right | November 22, 2010

(I’m a hostess seating a very attractive couple and their adorable nine-month-old baby.)

Me: “Do we have anything to celebrate tonight?”

Wife: “No… Well…”

Me: “Yes?”

Wife: *as if divulging a great secret* “Well, I’ve been on a cleanse since I had my baby, and I’m only allowed to eat on certain days. Today… I get to eat DINNER!”

Me: “Uhm…”

Wife: *nervous giggle*

A Smooth Transaction

, , , | Right | October 30, 2010

(Around 2 AM, a man comes in and is searching up and down the aisle that I am stocking.)

Me: “Hello, sir, can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “No, it’s much too embarrassing to ask for.”

Me: “Okay, well, let me know.”

(He walks away and continues searching. Five minutes later he’s back.)

Customer: “I’ve decided I don’t care how embarrassing it is.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Where’s the lube?!”

Knows Knot Of Mass

, , , , | Right | October 23, 2010

(I work for a discount store that sells bulk birdseed that the customer scoops themselves. A customer approaches the counter with a bag that’s quite full but not tied.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, how are you today?” (I start tying the bag shut so I can lift it on the counter to weigh without spilling.)

Customer: “No! Don’t!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Don’t tie a knot in it or it’ll weigh more!”

Me: “Ma’am. I’m sorry but, how’s that possible?”

Customer: “It’s a knot! They’re heavier!”


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How Not To Courier Favor In The Marriage

, , | Right | October 13, 2010

(A customer calls about a delivery.)

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t guarantee your delivery by any certain time. If you look at the order you’ll see it says estimated delivery date.”

Caller: “I don’t care what it says. All I know is that it says today’s date between 8 am and 5 pm.”

Me: “Ma’am, that was just the estimated date. Your order will be at your house on Monday.”

Caller: “Are you stupid? It has today’s date on it.”

Me: “Is there anyone else in your home that I can speak to about this?”

Caller: “My husband, hang on.”

(She puts her husband on the phone.)

Me: “Sir, could you please explain to your wife that the delivery is not guaranteed today? The date on the order is an estimate and it will be there on Monday.”

Caller’s Husband: *yelling at wife* “God d*** can’t you f****** read! It says estimated date right there. It will be here Monday! Tell the guy you’re sorry for being a dumba**.”

(He puts his wife back on the phone.)

Caller: “I’m sorry I didn’t see that. Have a nice night.” *click*