Guess We’ll Just Live In Sin, Then!

, , , , | Working | January 29, 2021

When my fianceé and I were planning our wedding, one of our first decisions was the person who would perform the service. She had been raised in a fundamentalist Protestant sect, and although she had become more liberal in her thinking, she was still friendly with her pastor and his family, so he was a natural choice.

We made an appointment to ask the pastor to fill the ceremonial role. And we were shocked when he refused, quite cruelly, and turned on me, asking me pointed questions about my beliefs and referring to our “mixed marriage.” My metaphysics is more middle of the road. I stood my ground, at one point asking him:

Me: “So, you believe that Anne Frank, unbaptized infants, and toddlers go to Hell?”

Pastor: “There are degrees of punishment.”

So, yes. We left with my fianceé in tears, and we got my parents’ minister to officiate.

But it didn’t end there. Between then and the wedding, the pastor called and begged my fianceé not to marry me, saying it would be “her biggest mistake.” She hung up on him.

Everything got settled when his wife wrote my fianceé a letter and told her that they had always hoped she would marry their oldest son. He wasn’t worried about her immortal soul; he just wanted to keep her on the market!

We got married without her minister in attendance and, several decades later, we are happily retired with successful children and well-adjusted grandkids. And the oldest son they wanted her to marry? Mutual friends report he is living in a squalid trailer park in Florida, barely making ends meet.

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Poor Etta

, , , , , | Friendly | December 15, 2020

I’m grabbing groceries on my way home from work one afternoon. As I’m picking out a box of cereal, an older man approaches me.

Man: “Excuse me, miss? This might sound strange, but is your name by any chance Etta?”

Me: *Laughs awkwardly* “Nope, it’s [My Name].”

Man: “Ah, I figured it was a long shot. See, the thing is, I ask because you remind me of my late wife.”

I’m not sure what to say.

Me: “Uh…”

Man: “Oh, not when she was on her way out! No, no. You remind me of her back in ’57 when we first went steady. You’re the good version, not the used one.” *Chuckles*

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Learn It And Learn It Well

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 17, 2020

My partner and I had a quick registry office wedding last week as our real wedding has been rescheduled to next year. We are now in the process for adjusting to being sort of married.

In conversation, my partner says something cheeky and I GLARE at him in a mock-aggressive warning. Something occurs to me, so I pull the expression again and point at my face.

Me: “Hey, [New Husband], what’s this?”

New Husband: “It’s… your face? Being annoyed?”

Me: “No, it’s a strong wife-eye signal.”

I love being married.

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Listening And Communication Are Also Options

, , , , , , , | Romantic | April 9, 2020

I’m a 12-year-old boy. I’m sitting at the dinner table with my dad and my stepmom, who are having a conversation about some details of their relationship. When they successfully finish the conversation, I speak up.

Me: “I don’t understand women.”

Dad: “You’re twenty years ahead of the game, then.”

Me: “What?”

Dad: “Men cannot understand women. The best you can manage is to be loving and kind to them.”

Stepmom: “He’s right. Don’t bother trying to figure us women out. Just give us cuddles and listen when we speak.” 

Dad: “And if you’re ever tempted to argue with one, just remember that the woman is always right.”

I filed that advice away and have had great success in my romantic relationships by following it.

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A Marriage Isn’t Real Unless It Starts In Debt

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 31, 2020

We were young. We were in love. We had great friends who helped us out when we got married. It was thirty-four years ago. All that made it possible to throw our wedding for less than $400.

When an acquaintance at college asked about our wedding, she pressed for the financials. When I told her, she said, “Then you’re not really married!”

I avoided her after that. (By the way, we are still happily married.)

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