Learn It And Learn It Well

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 17, 2020

My partner and I had a quick registry office wedding last week as our real wedding has been rescheduled to next year. We are now in the process for adjusting to being sort of married.

In conversation, my partner says something cheeky and I GLARE at him in a mock-aggressive warning. Something occurs to me, so I pull the expression again and point at my face.

Me: “Hey, [New Husband], what’s this?”

New Husband: “It’s… your face? Being annoyed?”

Me: “No, it’s a strong wife-eye signal.”

I love being married.

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Listening And Communication Are Also Options

, , , , , , , | Romantic | April 9, 2020

I’m a 12-year-old boy. I’m sitting at the dinner table with my dad and my stepmom, who are having a conversation about some details of their relationship. When they successfully finish the conversation, I speak up.

Me: “I don’t understand women.”

Dad: “You’re twenty years ahead of the game, then.”

Me: “What?”

Dad: “Men cannot understand women. The best you can manage is to be loving and kind to them.”

Stepmom: “He’s right. Don’t bother trying to figure us women out. Just give us cuddles and listen when we speak.” 

Dad: “And if you’re ever tempted to argue with one, just remember that the woman is always right.”

I filed that advice away and have had great success in my romantic relationships by following it.

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A Marriage Isn’t Real Unless It Starts In Debt

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 31, 2020

We were young. We were in love. We had great friends who helped us out when we got married. It was thirty-four years ago. All that made it possible to throw our wedding for less than $400.

When an acquaintance at college asked about our wedding, she pressed for the financials. When I told her, she said, “Then you’re not really married!”

I avoided her after that. (By the way, we are still happily married.)

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When Mixed Feelings End Up With A Mixer

, , , , , | Related | November 5, 2019

(My wife and I start dating in 2010. I am the first — and only — real boyfriend she has ever had. We date for two years, get engaged, and are together for another two years before we officially tie the knot. We deal with long distances, being in college, and holding off until we both graduate — I am a year ahead of her. On top of that, we go through premarital counseling with the pastor who marries us. The only thing we don’t do is actually live together, because of our shared religious beliefs. To say we have a solid relationship would be an understatement. My wife’s aunt is two-times divorced, going through marital problems with her eventual ex-husband, and has an all-around polar opposite personality and lifestyle of ours. This phone call happens about two months before our wedding, while my wife is in full-on planning mode with her mom.)

Wife: “Hello? Oh, hi, [Aunt]!”

Aunt: “Hi, [Wife], I’m just RSVPing for your wedding. We are not going to be there.”

Wife: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

Aunt: “Yeah, we just don’t feel like we can support your marriage to [My Name]. You guys barely know each other, you’ve never dated anyone else, and you two haven’t even lived together! I just don’t think you guys are going to make it, and I don’t want to see you make the same mistake I did. You’re young; you should go out and date other people. Really make sure [My Name] is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.”

Wife: “I’m really sorry to hear that, [Aunt]. We were really looking forward to seeing all of you. If it makes you feel any better, [My Name] and I have a really solid foundation. We’ve been doing [everything I mentioned above], and we’ve dealt with the different bumps in our relationship so far with open and honest conversations. We don’t ‘fight’ but we make sure to talk things out and not bottle up our emotions. If you really can’t support us or come I understand, but we would still love to have you at the wedding, even if only so we can see [cousins 20+ years younger than her]. I’d really just love to have all the family there.”

Aunt: “Oh, well, I guess we could try to come. I’m sorry I didn’t trust your judgement about [My Name]. Now, I just don’t know what kind of gift to get you. Is there something not on your registry that you’d like?”

Wife: “Well, the only thing we didn’t put on the registry was a [Brand] stand mixer because we knew it was more than most people could afford and we had enough other expensive things on there that we thought were more important.”

Aunt: “Great! What color do you want?”

(And that’s how my wife caused her aunt to guilt trip herself into buying us a red [Brand] stand mixer for our wedding. We just passed our five-year anniversary and had our second kid. Our marriage is stronger than ever. I’m super glad my wife didn’t let her aunt or anyone else talk her out of marrying me!)

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Welcome To 2019

, , , | Friendly | March 3, 2019

(We have a new girl join our dragon boat team. She’s very sweet and seems kind of sheltered. One day after practice, some of the girls from the team go for a Bloody Mary and she joins us, which is unusual. We are discussing what we did for Valentine’s Day.)

Me: “We stayed in, I made us a special dinner, we split a bottle of wine, and he washed up. Nothing too special.”

New Starter: “Aw, it’s nice that your husband washed up.”

Me: “Oh, well, actually, he always does. I always cook, so it’s only fair really.”

New Starter: *kind of wide-eyed* “Really?”

Me: “Well, of course! We both earn and we both split the chores.”

(There are murmurs of agreement from the rest of the group.)

New Starter: “Um, I thought it was like, a woman’s thing to do housework?”

(I think we all look a little bit shocked at her, which, in retrospect, I feel bad about because she seems to really believe what she’s saying. It’s also worth noting that she works full time.)

New Starter: “That’s what my mum said, and my husband, too. She showed me, like in the movies?”

Teammate: *known for being super blunt* “Were these movies from the fifties?”

(A couple of girls laugh and I shoot them a look. Clearly, this poor girl has been brainwashed or something. I lean over to her.)

Me: “[New Starter], it definitely used to be like that, but it really isn’t anymore. In a healthy relationship, it’s fair to share the workload.”

(She looked at me like I’d just told her where babies come from. Then, she turned bright pink, and jumped up and ran out of the cafe. I hope she’s enlightened her husband, or dumped him!)

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