Welcome To 2019

, , , | Friendly | March 3, 2019

(We have a new girl join our dragon boat team. She’s very sweet and seems kind of sheltered. One day after practice, some of the girls from the team go for a Bloody Mary and she joins us, which is unusual. We are discussing what we did for Valentine’s Day.)

Me: “We stayed in, I made us a special dinner, we split a bottle of wine, and he washed up. Nothing too special.”

New Starter: “Aw, it’s nice that your husband washed up.”

Me: “Oh, well, actually, he always does. I always cook, so it’s only fair really.”

New Starter: *kind of wide-eyed* “Really?”

Me: “Well, of course! We both earn and we both split the chores.”

(There are murmurs of agreement from the rest of the group.)

New Starter: “Um, I thought it was like, a woman’s thing to do housework?”

(I think we all look a little bit shocked at her, which, in retrospect, I feel bad about because she seems to really believe what she’s saying. It’s also worth noting that she works full time.)

New Starter: “That’s what my mum said, and my husband, too. She showed me, like in the movies?”

Teammate: *known for being super blunt* “Were these movies from the fifties?”

(A couple of girls laugh and I shoot them a look. Clearly, this poor girl has been brainwashed or something. I lean over to her.)

Me: “[New Starter], it definitely used to be like that, but it really isn’t anymore. In a healthy relationship, it’s fair to share the workload.”

(She looked at me like I’d just told her where babies come from. Then, she turned bright pink, and jumped up and ran out of the cafe. I hope she’s enlightened her husband, or dumped him!)

Gangbangers Have To Use The Overflow Parking

, , , , | Romantic | January 27, 2019

(My husband and I took our nine-month-old daughter to the doctor’s for her booster flu shot. We drive into a spot that’s labeled “patron parking,” and my husband observes something to the effect of:)

Husband: “Yep, we’re allowed to park here.”

(I turn and get out of the car, while telling him:)

Me: “The label is probably for game days; the lot is rather close to the [Local College Stadium].”

(He gives me a funny look, and comes around to get the baby out of the car.)

Husband: “What did you say the label was for?”

Me: “Game days!”

Husband: *a massive look of relief rests on his face* “Oh, good. I thought you said they were for GANGBANGS.”

(I was laughing so hard that I barely made it to the building in a straight line.)

Old People Were The Teen Marriages Of Yesteryear

, , | Right | November 24, 2018

(I am fifteen. An older customer comes up to me and I say the usual, “Hi, how are you?” She’s quite a nice woman. Then, she looks at my hands:)

Customer: “Oh, you haven’t got a ring on your finger yet!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I don’t.”

Customer: “You know, I got married when I was 19; that was a long time ago, obviously.”

Me: “Wow, really?”

Customer: “Yes. But nowadays you see a lot of girls who are past the age of 30 and aren’t even engaged, poor souls. I personally think it just isn’t right if a woman isn’t married by the time she’s 23.”

Me: *everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, so I can’t really judge* “That’s fair enough, I suppose. I mean, I would personally like to get married before 25, but that’s just me.”

Customer: “So, how come you haven’t got a ring on your finger, then?”

Me: “I’m actually 15.”

(The poor lady started repeatedly apologising, and I had to reassure her it was okay. We just laughed it off.)

Behind Every Angry Man, Is A Long-Suffering Wife

, , , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(I am a ‘meter maid.’ My job is to ticket cars that have not paid for their meter. I am putting a ticket on a parked car when the driver, a big, long-haired guy, comes up to me, furious. His mousy little wife is following him but is very quiet. He yells at me that he was only parked ‘for two minutes’ and I have no business giving him a ticket.)

Me: “Sir, I have been on this block for ten minutes so I know that your car has been here longer than that.”

Driver: “How dare you call me a liar! I just pulled up here and went inside to get change and pick up my wife. Can’t you even give an honest person a break!”

(He’s looming over me and rather intimidating, I’m wondering if he’s going to actually hit me, when suddenly, his wife steps right in front of me and starts yelling at him.)

Wife: “How dare YOU! She’s just doing her job and you’re yelling at her because you screwed up! You know full well you could have put money in the meter but you were just trying to be cheap. You apologize to her right now and take your ticket like a grownup!”

(He looked absolutely stunned and froze completely. She glared at him until he muttered “Sorry” and wouldn’t meet my eyes. She then apologized calmly to me and held out her hand for the ticket. I let her off with a warning!)

A Marriage Of Inconvenience

, , , , , | Friendly | June 29, 2018

My husband had a best friend since school. I happened to meet them together at a festival, and my husband and I fell in love at first sight. We kissed before we knew each other’s ages and surnames. We moved in together a year later and have been happy ever since.

That was 2003. Life changes, and for thirteen years I’ve been his girlfriend, but basically we are living the married life. Childhood friendships drift apart, but we traditionally invite everybody at least once a year for a very nice Christmas party.

At 30, I decide kids are now or never, and we are soon expecting twins. As we are very unceremonial, but want to avoid legal annoyances, we want to marry before the kids are born. As I am not christened and never missed anything, we do a simple legal wedding at the town house with only our parents and the future godparents for the twins.

We don’t tell anybody, as we feel it unnecessary; I’m pregnant-brained as f*** and don’t want to deal with a big party. We also don’t want people to feel obligated to gift us stuff or money.

Cut to a year later. The twins are born and are a lovely handful. We are stressed beyond belief, but want to celebrate the occasion with friends. We invite everybody and celebrate the kid’s birthday, revealing at the party that we got married. Everybody is happy, we party, and again, life goes on. The kids grow and we are fully occupied with them.

They have just turned three. At their birthday party, one of the godparents asks us what we are doing about the wedding of my husband’s childhood best friend, mentioned earlier. We didn’t even know he was engaged, but we say, “How nice! No, we did not get the card yet! Do tell, when is the wedding?”

He pauses and then very carefully tells us the invite came six months ago, and the wedding is next month. The friend was being childish and wanted to pay us back for not telling him personally about our wedding before we married.

He seriously planned to have the wedding and just tell his wife, sister, and our whole circle of mutual friends that he gave us the invite personally while he just threw it away. He, and I quote him here, wanted to have his wedding and send us a picture afterwards to “see how it feels.”

As our godparent-friend was close with the friend’s sister and future wife, he got a very stern talking to and now we are invited. As we want to make his day special — as he values his wedding day more than we did ours — I am painting something for their special day and we will give some money for their honeymoon.

Still, amazing how petty a man in his forties can be.

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