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Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 71

, , , , | Romantic | January 10, 2018

(I asked my wife the question. I was raised in the South and went hunting a lot.)

Me: “What would you do if I was bitten by a zombie?”

Wife: “Logically, I’d shoot you. But in reality I have no idea.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’d shoot you, but I’m better with guns than you are.”

Wife: “This is true. Eh, we’re together enough that we’d probably be bitten at the same time, anyway.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

Related:
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 70
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 69
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 68

O Holy Gifts

, , , , , , , | Related | January 9, 2018

(My mom’s college friend is Irish Catholic, but her husband isn’t. This is during her wedding.)

Priest: “Can you bring up the gifts up after the intercession prayer?”

Husband: “Sure.”

(After the intercessory prayer, the husband brought up the wedding gifts! “Gifts” in the Catholic Church means the chalice and water!)

The Case Of The Two-Dollar Punch

, , | Romantic | January 9, 2018

(My partner and I are getting out of bed to start the day. I’ve been a sleep-walker/talker since childhood, though it’s rarer now that I’m older.)

Partner: “Do you remember waking me up last night?”

Me: “What? Well, I guess. I needed a drink around four. Sorry I woke you.”

Partner: “No, earlier than that. You punched me in the back.”

Me: “What?!”

Partner: “Yeah, you hit me, and when I rolled over to ask why, you looked me right in the face and said—” *drops his voice to a creepy whisper* “—’twoooooo dollar.'”

Me: “…”

Partner: “Then you rolled over and went back to sleep.”

Me: “No. No, I do not remember that.”

Partner: “I’m going to get a security camera or something set up in here one of these days, just to record the creepy s*** your unconscious a** says.”

Italian Stereotypes Needs A Dressing

| Romantic | January 8, 2018

(We decide to go try a new Italian restaurant for dinner. We walk in and it’s the most stereotypical “Italian restaurant” decor I’ve ever actually seen in real life. There are plastic grapes stapled to the walls two inches from us. Red, white, and green paint. Canvasses with pictures of Italy on the walls. The restaurant literally has the word Italy in their name. We’re ordering our dinner and everything is going fine until:)

Server: “And for you?”

Husband: “I’ll do the cheesy gnocchi.”

Server: “And what kind of dressing for your salad?”

Husband: “Um… do you have Italian?”

Server: “Yup! I’ll get that right in!”

Me: “Babe. I’m pretty sure they have ITALIAN dressing.”

Husband: “…I’m tired!”

Gotta Marry Them All

, , , , , | Learning | December 20, 2017

(I am a teacher, and I go by “Miss” since I’m not married. One of my students realizes that “Miss” means I’m not married and gives me this advice.)

Student: “Miss [My Name], you should just get married.”

Me: “Okay, [Student]. I’ll get on that.”

Student: “Good! Also, when you walk down the aisle, you should have the Pokémon theme song playing!”