The Case Of The Two-Dollar Punch

, , | Romantic | January 9, 2018

(My partner and I are getting out of bed to start the day. I’ve been a sleep-walker/talker since childhood, though it’s rarer now that I’m older.)

Partner: “Do you remember waking me up last night?”

Me: “What? Well, I guess. I needed a drink around four. Sorry I woke you.”

Partner: “No, earlier than that. You punched me in the back.”

Me: “What?!”

Partner: “Yeah, you hit me, and when I rolled over to ask why, you looked me right in the face and said—” *drops his voice to a creepy whisper* “—’twoooooo dollar.'”

Me: “…”

Partner: “Then you rolled over and went back to sleep.”

Me: “No. No, I do not remember that.”

Partner: “I’m going to get a security camera or something set up in here one of these days, just to record the creepy s*** your unconscious a** says.”

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Italian Stereotypes Needs A Dressing

| Romantic | January 8, 2018

(We decide to go try a new Italian restaurant for dinner. We walk in and it’s the most stereotypical “Italian restaurant” decor I’ve ever actually seen in real life. There are plastic grapes stapled to the walls two inches from us. Red, white, and green paint. Canvasses with pictures of Italy on the walls. The restaurant literally has the word Italy in their name. We’re ordering our dinner and everything is going fine until:)

Server: “And for you?”

Husband: “I’ll do the cheesy gnocchi.”

Server: “And what kind of dressing for your salad?”

Husband: “Um… do you have Italian?”

Server: “Yup! I’ll get that right in!”

Me: “Babe. I’m pretty sure they have ITALIAN dressing.”

Husband: “…I’m tired!”

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Gotta Marry Them All

, , , , , | Learning | December 20, 2017

(I am a teacher, and I go by “Miss” since I’m not married. One of my students realizes that “Miss” means I’m not married and gives me this advice.)

Student: “Miss [My Name], you should just get married.”

Me: “Okay, [Student]. I’ll get on that.”

Student: “Good! Also, when you walk down the aisle, you should have the Pokémon theme song playing!”

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Oh The Eye-rony

, , , , | Healthy | November 19, 2017

(I walk into my optometrist’s office and find a new secretary. I’m curious about what happened to “Jane,” the last one, especially since “Jane” and the doctor were married! I’m the only one in the office right now so I decide to be nosey:)

Me: *after the preliminary sign in conversation* “So, Jane is no longer here?”

New Secretary: “No, she’s gone.”

Me: “I’m surprised considering her relationship with the Doctor.”

New Secretary: “It was all very awkward, Jane needed to start wearing glasses but she refused to. The doctor had to fire her because she was giving out the wrong prescriptions to people and messing up things like that.”

Me: “Ooh, that’s not good. Wait, she was married to an optometrist and worked in an optometrist’s office and refused to wear glasses?”

New Secretary: “Yup. I shouldn’t say this but I believe it was a case of vanity gone wrong. They’re getting divorced now, too.”

Me: “Gee, I wonder why?”

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Getting A Dress Down From Sis

, , , , , , | Related | November 15, 2017

(I grew up gay, and since I was little I have loved to dress in women’s clothing rather than men’s. My parents don’t like it, but let me do it. I soon meet the man I would marry and we hit it off. When my tribe allows same-sex marriage, we naturally decide to get married. My twin sister decides to give him The Talk while I’m with my mother, putting on my dress and makeup. One thing to note about my twin sister is she is fiercely protective of me, even going so far as to beat up childhood bullies.)

Twin Sister: “Hey, [Husband].”

Husband: “Oh, hi there, [Twin Sister]. Why are you in here?”

Twin Sister: “Just wanted to let you know something. If you ever make [My Name] feel like s*** for who he is, I’ll know, and I’ll end you. Capisce?”

Husband: “Yeah, capisce…”

(I only want to share that because of something that happened later on. We were in an argument, and my husband decided to attack me where it hurt: my cross-dressing. I left our home crying and decided to call my twin sister to spend the night at her home. She accepted me in and soon left for two hours, coming back with some food for us to eat. The next morning arrived and the doorbell rang. I answered to find [Husband] looking as if he had been put through the wringer. I was confused until he flinched when my sister leaned on the doorway behind me. It all made sense after that. I soon forgave him and so did [Twin Sister]. We never got into an argument that bad again, and he has never insulted my cross-dressing again.)

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