Tech Support: More Important Than The President

, , , , | Right | October 4, 2018

(I am on a call with a client who’s a president of sorts for a pretty big-name company. I’m walking him through the process to install a few company applications on his phone. As we’re speaking, I hear someone trying to get his attention to ask him something. After a few moments of this, the client turns to that person speaking and says, loudly I might add:)

Caller: “Shut up, will you?! I’m on the phone with someone more important than you! You’re a VP; you figure it out!”

(I had to mute the call for a moment, I was laughing so hard.)

I’m A Complete Lesbozionist

, , , , , , , | Related | October 4, 2018

(It’s my 18th birthday party, just after I’ve officially come out of the closet to my family. It is snowing outside, which means the rest of my family is surprised when my grandfather and step-grandmother arrive, as they NEVER go out in the snow. It soon becomes apparent why when my step-grandmother asks to speak to me in private. She tells me that she and my grandfather heard about my “decision” and she wants me to reconsider. She and I have never been even a little bit close, but I make the mistake of humoring her for over an hour. She tells me about how hard it was for her to have a lesbian daughter, and how wonderful it was when she then came back to the Mormon church.)

Step-Grandmother: “And I had to work very hard to speak frankly with my daughter about her… um… lesbozism.”

(Suddenly it felt like my soul had left my body as I contemplated the word “lesbozism” until she stopped talking. Needless to say, she didn’t convince me, and years later my friends and I still speak of “lesbozism,” and its practitioners, “lesbozoos.”)

Trying To (Car) Wash Their Hands Of Grandma

, , , , | Right | September 6, 2018

A brand new car wash opened and promised free car washes for anyone in line on the first day. My grandmother was the very first person in line. When she went in, she managed to put her car in gear. It jumped the track and she stomped on the gas instead of the brake. As a result the car rammed into the equipment and seriously damaged it.

The car wash had to close down for almost a month for repairs. When it finally opened again, my grandmother went back and asked them when she would get her free car wash. The response she received was a little less than positive.

Try This New IPA! Tastes Like The Holocaust!

, , , , , , | Right | August 7, 2018

Me: “Hello, sir, may I see your ID?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “I’m supposed to get ID when someone buys beer.”

(The customer just continues to stare at me, as if expecting more of an explanation.)

Me: “It’s the law.”

Customer: “So, you just do whatever the government tells you to do?”

(I’m not really sure how to respond, so I just remain silent. The customer suddenly becomes obscenely angry.)

Customer: “Honestly, you’re no better than those Nazis throwing Jews in the oven!”

(He rattles off some more nonsense about how I’m a Nazi for daring to ask for his ID, and then some switch in his brain goes from crazy to horny.)

Customer: “But you’re pretty cute, so I guess I can show you just this once.”

Beggars Can Be Choosers, Apparently

, , , , , , , | Friendly | August 7, 2018

A few years ago, I used to take the buses to come home from a coffee shop where I worked.

There was a homeless man at a gas station with a sign, asking for money. I made good tips there, and usually this was money that I use to buy food for dinner every night for my children, but that day I was okay, so I decided to give him my entire bag of tips. I was feeling good about it, so I turned back to look at him when I had walked away.

That man took out the dollar bills out and was throwing the bag with the rest of the money away in a trash can! I was mad! Yes, it was change, but probably at least $10 worth of change!

I marched right back up to him, took the bag out of the trash and took the bills back straight from his hand! I felt bad, but I was mad that he had just thoughtlessly thrown out good money.

I bought groceries for my kids, instead.

Page 1/512345