What’s The French Word For “Macabre”?

, , , , , | Learning | September 14, 2018

(I am in Honors French 3, and we are learning verbs that have to do with love and hate. Our teacher is trying to get us to write a story about love. This all takes place in French. Sophie and Jacques are the story’s characters.)

Teacher: “So, Jacques tries to find Sophie but he can’t, and starts crying. Then what?”

Student #1: “Sophie comes over.”

Teacher: “And asks, ‘Why are you crying?’ And he says, ‘I thought I’d never find you.’ And then what happens?”

Student #2: “Sophie kills Jacques!”

Teacher: “With what?”

Student #3: “A fork!”

Teacher: “How?”

Student #4: “She stabs him in the eye, then the ear.”

Teacher: “So, Jacques falls to the ground, and then what happens?”

Student #5: “Sophie eats Jacques!”

Teacher: “This is in a park… What do the people walking by say?”

Student #6: “They also start eating Jacques! It’s a buffet!”

(We all found this hilarious and couldn’t stop laughing. The teacher called our sense of humor macabre.)

Someone’s Been Drinking The Kool Aid

, , , , , | Right | September 13, 2018

(A guy walks into our outlet store carrying a bottle of wine.)

Customer: “I want to return this bottle.”

(He takes it out of the brown bag and I see it has already been opened and some wine has been removed.)

Me: “That’s fine. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Yes, here it is.”

Me: “Can I ask why you are returning it?”

Customer: “I didn’t realize it had alcohol in it.”

America: The Land Of The Litigated

, , , , , | Legal | August 30, 2018

(My boss is either from India or a first-generation US citizen, as are the manager and two other employees. Every few months we’ll have an Indian temp who is either saving up for their new life in the States, or just looking for work experience abroad. I’m working with one of the temps when she needs something from the cabinet under the open register.)

Me: “Careful, the drawer’s open.”

Temp: “I’ll sue.”

Me: *nodding* “Good, you understand how America works.”

Skirting Around Who To Blame

, , , , | Working | August 8, 2018

(I work in a store in the mall that sells higher-end clothing. We have different “styles” — casual, evening, business attire, etc. — in the main women’s room. A customer comes in and I do my whole routine.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Store]! Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Do you sell skirts?”

Me: “What kind of skirt are you looking for?”

Customer: *getting a little impatient* “A skirt. Do you sell them?”

Me: “Well, yes. But they’re scattered throughout the store.”

Customer: “Show me.”

(I start showing the customer where we have all of our skirts. By the time we get to the back of the store, she’s clearly disinterested.)

Me: “…and here are the pencil skirts.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me where the pencil skirts were?! God, can’t you teens do anything right?”

(The customer then stormed out of the store.)

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Tasers And Batons And Sprays, Oh My

, , , | Right | August 4, 2018

(I work in a head shop, where we sell various knick-knacks, as well as adult novelties and smoking accessories. We have a beautiful sugar skull bust that sits on top of our humidor, which is not for sale. He is our unofficial store mascot, and we’ve named him Poe. Unfortunately for us, people have a hard time accepting that he is not for sale. We have a couple who comes in once a month and always makes a fuss about it.)

Woman: *gesturing to Poe* “I love this guy.”

Me: “As we’ve told you, ma’am, Poe is not for sale. We do have some sugar skulls over on the black shelving.”

Woman: “I remember. We were here about a month ago and I bought that sugar skull painting. I collect skulls.”

(I know all of this, as I’m the one who sold her the painting, and refused to sell her Poe then.)

Me: “We did get a new one in, down the bottom. It’s a bank.”

(The couple continues to shop while I watch them from behind the counter.)

Man: *trying to be funny and speaking loud enough for me to hear* “I could distract her, and you could grab him and make a run for it.”

Me: *getting really fed up because I don’t find jokes about stealing funny* “Go right ahead. But I will warn you: I have multiple tasers, pepper spray, and batons right next to me. I’ve been dying to try them out.”

(I flashed them my sweetest smile and pointed to the shelf. They both looked at me for a beat, then at the shelf full of weaponry right next to me, then continued to browse for another minute, before leaving empty-handed. I am happy to say, I haven’t seen either of them since!)

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